Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Bestiary => Topic started by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 01 June 2010, 14:00:49



Title: The Tolu Pack-Beast
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 01 June 2010, 14:00:49
Animals, Domestic/Horses/Riding Beasts AND Animals, Wild/Others

 Overview
There is perhaps no stranger beast than the Tolu. A flabby, six-legged, horse-sized, beast of burden with naught but a pipe-straw for a mouth, the Tolu is a disturbing sight indeed for any who witness it. Any of course, but the Doimo Nomads, who are well-acquainted with this particular oddity, and have in fact formed a strong cultural bond with the creature.

 Appearance

In the distance, a Tolu could perhaps be mistaken for a horse. The distance however, would have to be significant. Rarely does a horse have an extra pair of legs, or as prodigious a proboscis as the Tolu. Nor do horses have (at least not to this compendiumist's knowledge!) have what can only be described as humps - strange stomach-like sacs drooping off the beast's girthy frame.

The Tolu's six legs are not quite evenly distributed. The two hind sets of legs are stockier, and a bit closer together than the spindly front pair. The odd balance leaves the Tolu with a stumbling, rambling gait, but also offers the beast considerable sprinting power when it pushes off with the hind set of limbs. The speed is absolutely surprising to witness at first glance. The wide, splayed, hooves look unsuited for anything but slow plodding, and the creature's usual scuttle is anything but dexterous.

Contributing to the Tolu's somewhat clumsy facade is it's corpulent frame. All across the pack-beast's torso flop anywhere from two to six large, flabby humps, filled with fat. Whilst adding a certain amount of comical whimsy to the Tolu, the humps seem to serve a practical purpose as well, acting as a natural canteen of sorts. A well-fed Tolu will be distinguished by the sheer number of humps present, while one belonging to  a less-well-to-do Nomad, or perhaps an unlucky wild specimen may have only one slender hump sticking from the side.

The Tolu's final distinguishing feature is indeed the one most off-putting. It has an extraordinarily thin snout, containing a long, serpentine tongue; the tongue seems perfectly made to suck water out of hard to reach places, or to reach high leaves in the rare desert trees. The Tolu's "jaw", if one can call it that, is little more than a slender pipe. Indeed, the beast has no teeth whatsoever, instead preferring to offer a powerful kick as its preferred defense.

The Tolu typically stands at one ped and two fores at the shoulder, weighing approximately 13 pygges and six mut.

In colour, the Tolu range from a fairly common sandy brown to a more piebald white and brown colouration, more common in females than males. Besides this detail, males and females are almost identical.  


Territory
The Tolu makes its home in the Naezshan Zhunith thirstlands, a brutal land of savage heat and frigid nights. The Tolu can be found roaming throughout the thirstlands, located in Western Nybelmar.  

Behavior
Unlike most animals, the Tolu live in different sized groups throughout their lives. In this way, they are perhaps more akin to man than beast. A Tolu, in the wild, is born within a large herd. These herds often number around twenty or so of the creatures. In true communal spirit, the healthiest Tolu care for the young, protecting them and feeding them. Mature, female Tolu lactate as long as they remain fertile (up until approximately 15 years old), and any female will gladly feed any young calf.

As the Tolu matures, it will strike off on its own, wandering the desert until it finds a suitable mate. It is believed that the Tolu travel along certain paths, or else follow some secret knowledge. It is almost unheard of to see an old bachelor, or a maiden Tolu past her prime. Even in the vast expanse of the desert, the Tolu will almost invariably find a mate.

Once properly met, a couple will often travel together for years, until the Tolu is just nearing full maturity. At this point, the Tolu pair will travel instinctively to a breeding ground, where they and many others will band together, forming or joining up with a larger herd.

As the Tolu reaches old age, it will wander off with its mate into the desert. Invariably, the two will find some desolate spot, lay their heads atop each other, and remain thusly until the last of their fate wastes away, and the beasts rejoin with the sand.

When domesticated by the Doimo nomads, however, the Tolu will usually only be found in pairs, as a Tolu cannot be domesticated after it has produced a calf. The usually docile creature will reject human (or any other beast for that matter) with violent force, kicking, spitting at, and occasionally head-butting any stranger, in defense of its calf.

Diet
The Tolu gets by on meals few and far between. Most of these meals consist of fruit pulp, nectar, water, and any other soft foodstuffs the Tolu can easily suck up using its narrow mouth. Besides vegetation, the Tolu will also consume locusts and other desert insects as a particular treat. The Doimo Nomads often use the particularly tasty Morselbunch Beetle as a reward whilst training young Tolu.


Mating
The Tolu mates with the first potential partner it finds, and remains faithful to this partner all its life.
 
When the time for breeding comes, typically in the coolest months, the Tolu will congregate in one specific area, and initiate a festival of sorts. The locations of these breeding grounds are evident to any traveler, specifically downwind. The male Tolu releases a powerful musk, used to encourage the female to submissiveness.

During this time, the male Tolu grows extremely aggressive, and fights within these gatherings are not uncommon. In addition, the entire herd will often become extremely hostile to outsiders, making close study, already an unsavory prospect, nigh impossible.

Usages
The Tolu is used by the Doimo nomads as a beast of burden. Its milk is sweet, succulent, and extremely nutritious, and its hide is sturdy and tough, perfect for building tents.  

Lore
As the male Tolu mates with the first available female it comes across, when a pair of young Doimo Nomads marries without their parent's consent, the tribe will often refer to the two as a "Tolling" couple, bearing the same meaning as elopement in other cultures.


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: seth ghibta on 01 June 2010, 21:46:24
ooh, i'm intrigued - want to hear more! :)


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 02 June 2010, 00:52:27
Very well then! Info to follow.

Animals, Domestic/Horses/Riding Beasts AND Animals, Wild/Others

Animals, Domestic/Horses/Riding Beasts AND Animals, Wild/Others

 Overview
No other animal perhaps, is as well-suited to the desert, as hardy a survivor, and as bizarre in appearance as the Tolu. A bit of horse, a bit of goat, and a bit of something else entirely have combined to create this oddity among creatures, but they have combined superbly. Well-suited for long-distance travel on the hot desert sands of the Naezshan Zhunith, the Tolu's six legs, various humps of fat, and splayed hooves make for an excellent dry-climate beast of burden, one often put to use by the Doimo Nomads.

 Appearance
The Tolu is a six-legged creature, with four legs in back, and two in front. The hooves are wide, tapering from the lanky and lengthy legs. This anatomy allows the Tolu to run with an odd, but incredibly powerful series of leaps and bounds. The speed at which this creature moves is surprising, not only because of the spindly nature of the legs in question, but also due to its somewhat corpulant nature. Drooping on both sides of the Tolu's body, as well as on the beast's back are anywhere from two to six large, flabby humps, filled with fat. Whilst adding a certain amount of comical whimsy to the Tolu, the humps seem to serve a practical purpose as well, acting as a natural canteen of sorts.

Though the Tolu appears to hold quite a bit of food, it also appears to take very little in. It has an extraordinarily thin snout, containing a long, serpentine tongue: the tongue seems perfectly made to suck water out of hard to reach places, or to reach high leaves in the rare desert trees.

The Tolu typically stands at 1 ped and 2 fores at the shoulder, weighing approximately 13 pygges and 6 mut. In color, the Tolu range from a fairly common sandy brown to a more piebald white and brown coloration, more common in females then males. Besides this detail, males and females are almost identical.  


Territory
The Tolu makes its home in the Naezshan Zhunith thirstlands, a brutal land of savage heat and frigid nights. The Tolu can be found roaming throughout the thirstlands, located in Western Nybelmar.  

Behaviour
Unlike most animals, the Tolu lives in different sized groups throughout its life. In this way, it is perhaps more akin to Man then beast. A Tolu, in the wild, is born within a large herd, numbering around twenty or so of the creatures. In true communal spirit, the healthiest Tolu care for the young, protecting them and feeding them. Female Tolu lactate throughout their lives, and any female will gladly feed the young.

As the Tolu matures, it will strike off on its own, wandering the desert until it finds a suitible mate. It is believed that the Tolu must travel along certain paths, because it is rare to see an old bachelor, and surprisingly, couples are oft sighted throughout the desert.

Such a couple will often travel together for years, until the Tolu is just nearing, as neared, or just passed, the peak of its life. At this point, the Tolu pair will travel instinctivly to a breeding ground, where they and many others will band together.

At this point, the Tolu form a small herd-community, and the process starts over again.

When domesticated by the Doimo nomads, however, the Tolu will usually only be found in pairs, as a Tolu cannot be domesticated after it has produced a calf. The usually docile creature will reject human (or any other beast for that matter) with violent force, kicking, spitting, and occasionally head-butting its aggressor.

Diet
The Tolu gets by on meals few and far between. Most of these meals consist of fruits, necter, water, and other soft foodstuffs the Tolu can easily suck up using its narrow mouth. Insects are a particular favorite.
Need More specifics here!

Mating
The Tolu mates with the first potential partner it finds, spawning the phrase "Easy as a Tolu" among some of the desert-folk. Upon finding a mate, the Tolu will travel together and remain strictly monogamous. When the time for breeding comes, typically in the coolest months, the Tolu will congregate in one specific area, and initiate a festival of sorts. It is at this point when the males release their musk, and the females become extremely submissive.

Myth/Lore
Story: How the Tolu got its humps.

Usages
The Tolu is used by the Doimo nomads as a beast of burden. Its milk is sweet, succulent, and extremely nutritious, and its hide is sturdy and tough, perfect for building tents.  


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Azhira Styralias on 02 June 2010, 01:13:26
Desert? Well that rules out my area... :P

I think if this creature is well researched, well integrated and especially well written, it can be accepted as a Masterwork. Get to work! :whip:


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Seeker on 02 June 2010, 02:05:55
If you put this in the Rahaz Dath you will be entering Talia's domain.  I would suggest getting her opinion on the idea befoe you spend too much time on it.


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 02 June 2010, 04:28:14
There's always the option to place such a creature also in one of Aeruillin's vast deserts, there should be more leeway there where they can live as its way less inhabited than Sarvonia. Though if it's a sort of camel it might be used by people for transporting stuff etc., so then you'd probably place it somewhere where people have access to it. At any rate Talia might have a word on that, as Aeruillin is also partly her thing.

At any rate I support a new approach on a masterwork with this idea, Nsiki!  :thumbup:


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: M´ruk Loshashzuck on 02 June 2010, 06:02:33
This reminded me of an idea I had a while back, of a cross between a spider and a camel. Ah well, great minds think alike, eh? At any rate, I love the idea. Have a great time completing it :)


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 02 June 2010, 07:48:49
Well, this is a bit of a surprise - I didn't expect the permission to go ahead with a new masterwork so quickly! Well. Let's see what we can do here. I like the idea of Aeruillin - I'll go bellring Talia!


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 02 June 2010, 08:52:12
Ideally, these fella's would be paired up with a nomadic tribe: and oddly enough it seems Aeruillian lacks one! Perhaps an offshoot of one of the tribes that only occupies a city or two? Or maybe the Shendar could use it? Eh, perhaps not... ideas appreciated! 


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: M´ruk Loshashzuck on 02 June 2010, 09:02:19
There are a few elven nomadic tribes down there, like the Tiraelhon. (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/elves/tiraelhon.htm)


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Azhira Styralias on 02 June 2010, 09:19:20
Sand Elves? How come I have never known this tribe before? How fascinating! An elven desert tribe. And that entry is wonderful, oh so many good ideas there! Oh we need to bring back the Aeruillian development.  :D


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: M´ruk Loshashzuck on 02 June 2010, 09:30:32
Yeah, I considered playing one on the RP side but there's not much to do on Aeruillin at the moment. :grin:

I wouldn't mind starting something over there, like the Hirafan mentioned in that entry, but Lady Tiaa (the writer of the entry) disappeared long ago, it seems, and it says that Aeruillin is closed to development. Ah well  :rolleyes:


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 02 June 2010, 09:44:10
I suppose elves would work - I've always preferred humans ;)
Thanks for the tip!


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: M´ruk Loshashzuck on 02 June 2010, 09:51:12
Well, a nomadic human tribe on Aeruillin is the  Sor’inyt (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/sor_inyt.htm), if that's any help. Both tribes could use these creatures, maybe even fight over them. Then again, it is your masterwork, so completely ignore me if you want.


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 03 June 2010, 03:34:39
Hey, hold your horses, Nsiki - need to get some more voices in on the masterwork thingy, just pointed out my opinion ;)

Anyway, guess Talia is on vacation or something right now, so it could take a while until you hear from her concerning this idea!


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 03 June 2010, 07:43:05
Consider my horse held ;)
And yup, I'll just stroll around and comment in the meantime!


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 17 June 2010, 05:11:13
Hello Nsiki! *waves to him*

I see, you are trying your hands at a beast this time (which is certainly much smaller in size than the Ring ;) )

As it is a desert beast, it needs a desert. Hmm. Here we might have a problem...

It does not fit in the Ráhaz-Dáth,  the Shendar with their ai'nuvics and aka'pis, there is no need for another animal of this kind.

Aeruillin is closed to development, especially the East. Reason: If at all, then the work on this continent should go into the West, which has already more places and tribe entries. I would not add an important animal to a tribe without the ok of the author either. In addition, as I'm currently the only expert on Aeruillin and I have only rarely time in the next weeks , it would be better, if you could place your animal in another area.

Nybelmar,  has deserts also and claims always, to be the exotic continent  :buck:

Would that be an option for you? I don't know, which tribe could use your animal, maybe you shout for one of our western compendiumists?


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 18 June 2010, 17:39:24
Nsiki, maybe a frozen desert would work as well? Though I don't see room for it in the East of Northern Sarvonia, maybe there are tribes in the West, some orcs, or other people? Why should we link camels, even if they have 6 legs, always only to hot deserts? On the other side, there might be a six legged creature already in Nybelmar, so it would fit well .


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 19 June 2010, 00:47:36
There is that possibility - switch the humps to flubs of blubber, make the hooves wide to walk on snow... I feel as though an arctic animal would need to be a bit... bigger, mayhaps.. I'll play with the idea, and see what comes up! And if not this beast, the next one will be found high in the Northern, craggy, mountains!
Thank you!


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 19 June 2010, 01:16:02
I've got Wison riders in the Icelands and they will be riding Tarandus Deer and Paxen in Iol, so I think I'm good for exotic mounts.  Like Talia said, the western half might be better, or further south, like Kanapan lands.


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 19 June 2010, 01:59:17
Concerning deserts: Well, there's also the dwarven realm of Denilou (http://www.santharia.com/places/denilou.htm), located far off the coast of Santharia. We have a larger desert there (the Holi'dispor), though who would use the beasts to travel where and why is another matter, as the dwarves live mainly in the mountains, and elves to the northwest. But in the long run this island could use some development as well, so there's an option at least :)


Title: Re: Muddlett-Esque Creature
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 19 June 2010, 13:31:34
I think I've found them a spot, over with the Domino Men, but Denilou intrigues me! I'll jot over that way once I'm done in the North :)


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 03 July 2010, 13:59:32
I'll be on vacation for the next week, but once I come back, this'll be all finished! Its done in my head, it just takes more time then it used to to get it down on paper..
But: see y'all in a week!


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 15 July 2010, 11:38:57
Ready for the first round of comments!


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on 18 July 2010, 07:16:52
First URI in a while so bear with me.


Overview
No other animal perhaps, This is gramatically incorrect.  It should either be 'Perhaps no other animal' or 'No other animal, perhaps,'.  The first option is not only gramatically better but also more fluid is as well-suited to the desert, as hardy a survivor, and as bizarre in appearance as the Tolu. Would you mind inserting an 'is' before all the 'as's?  Since its such a long series the reader loses the verb by the time he gets to the end of the sentence. Perhaps add a modifer here with a similar meaning to 'looking as if' or 'seems' like since I don't think its anatomically possible for these three creatures to mate.A bit of horse, a bit of goat, and a bit of something else entirely have combined to create this oddity among creatures, but they have combined superbly. Well-suited for long-distance travel on the hot desert sands of the Naezshan Zhunith, the Tolu's six legs, various humps of fatI'm going to assume these are like a camel's humps and can hold water?  If so, perhaps adding that feature here would be a good idea since its a necessity for being useful in a desert., and splayed hooves make for an excellent dry-climate beast of burden, one often put to use by the Doimo Nomads.

 Appearance
The Tolu is a six-legged creature, with four legs in back, and two in front. The hooves are wide, tapering from the lanky and lengthy The words lanky and lengthy mean the same thing.  No need to put them both herelegs. This anatomy allows the Tolu to run with an odd, but incredibly powerful series of leaps and bounds.Hmm...based on the physical appearance this beast seems like it would be more of a 'scuttler' like a crab or a spider.  I don't think it would be possible for it to leap and bound with six legs. The speed at which this creature moves is surprising, not only because of the spindly nature of the legs in question, but also due to its somewhat corpulent natureI think body or form would be a better word choice here. Drooping on both sides of the Tolu's body, as well as on the beast's back are anywhere from two to six largeNeed a second verb in this clause since you can't really droop off a back.  Something along the lines of perched or mounted would work., flabby humps, filled with fat. Whilst adding a certain amount of comical whimsy to the Tolu, the humps seem to serve a practical purpose as well, acting as a natural canteen of sorts.

Though the Tolu appears to hold quite a bit of food,This phrase reads a bit awkwardly.  I think its because hold isn't exactly the right word to use here.  Something like requires might work. it also appears to take very little inTry to avoid using prepositions at the end of sentences.. It has an extraordinarily thin snout, containing a long, serpentine tongue: A semi-colon or period should go here, not a full colon.  the tongue seems perfectly made to suck water out of hard to reach places, or to reach high leaves in the rare desert trees.

The Tolu typically stands at 1 ped and 2 fores at the shoulder, weighing approximately 13 pygges and 6 mut. In color, the Tolu range from a fairly common sandy brown to a more piebald white and brown coloration, more common in females then males. Besides this detail, males and females are almost identical.   
I'm having a bit of trouble imagining what this beast looks like.  Right now I have a picture of a giant, fleshy spider in my head, but based on your overview I don't think thats the impression you were trying to give.  Perhaps adding another paragraph or two to more clearly describe what the Tolu looks like could help solve this?  Unless of course that is what you intended.

Territory
The Tolu makes its home in the Naezshan Zhunith thirstlands, a brutal land of savage heat and frigid nights. The Tolu can be found roaming throughout the thirstlands, located in Western Nybelmar. 

Deci should look over this before it gets approved to check all the Nybelmar-y things.

Behaviour
Unlike most animals, the Tolu lives in different sized groups throughout its lives. In this way, it is They are perhaps more akin to man than beast. A Tolu, in the wild, is born within a large herd, numbering around twenty or so of the creatures. In true communal spirit, the healthiest Tolu care for the young, protecting them and feeding them. Female Tolu lactate throughout their lives, and any female will gladly feed the young.

As the Tolu matures, it will strike off on its own, wandering the desert until it finds a suitible mate. It is believed that the Tolu must travel along certain paths, because it is rare to see an old bachelor, and surprisingly, couples are often sighted throughout the desertThis last bit seems to contradict what you were trying to say initially.  If they all traveled on the same paths, there would be high concentrations of them in specific areas (the paths) while they'd be extremely rare elsewhere..

Such a couple will often travel together for years, until the Tolu is just nearing, as neared, or just passed erm...What?  Please sort these verbs out.  Also the its after this should be a their since you are talking about the couple, the peak of its life. At this point, the Tolu pair will travel instinctivly to a breeding ground, where they and many others will band together. This doesn't really make sense to me.  If the two aren't mating and making babies, why would they bother pairing up so early?  It seems rather inefficient, especially considering that they live in a desert so food is scarce.  Traveling in groups of two mean they can cover less ground, so they are less likely to find food and water, and when they do, they will have to split this meager supply in half.

At this pointYou use this clause in the sentence immediately preceding this.  Try to vary it up a bit., the Tolu form a small herd-community, and the process starts over again.

When domesticated by the Doimo nomads, however, the Tolu will usually only be found in pairs, as a Tolu cannot be domesticated after it has produced a calf. The usually docile creature will reject human (or any other beast for that matter) with violent force, kicking, spitting, and occasionally head-butting its aggressor. This is an unusual and interesting behavior.  Could you please elaborate more on it?  Perhaps you could even add a first person account of such behavior and some local speculation or myths as to why it happens.  Also, is this true for both genders or just the females?

Diet
The Tolu gets by on meals few and far between. Most of these meals consist of fruits, nectar, I don't know much about Nybelmar but I'm going to assume you did your research and all of these things exist in the desert that you mentioned. water, and other soft foodstuffs the Tolu can easily suck up using its narrow mouth. Insects are a particular favorite.
Need More specifics here!

Mating
The Tolu mates with the first potential partner it finds, spawning the phrase "Easy as a Tolu" among some of the desert-folk. Upon finding a mate, the Tolu will travel together and remain strictly monogamous. When the time for breeding comes, typically in the coolest months, the Tolu will congregate in one specific area, and initiate a festival of sorts. It is at this point when the males release their musk, and the females become extremely submissive.  What happens if one of the partners dies?  Will they take a new partner or will they live alone for the rest of their life?  Also, I think it would make more sense if they do the actual mating act seperately and then congregate afterwards to give birth.

Myth/Lore
Story: How the Tolu got its humps.

Usages
The Tolu is used by the Doimo nomads as a beast of burden. Its milk is sweet, succulent, and extremely nutritious, and its hide is sturdy and tough, perfect for building tents.    Including that it has a hide and utters above would be useful in the apperance section.  Also, you skipped the Special Abilities section.  Please add this.


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 18 July 2010, 13:50:23
Thanks so much Drasil!
And yes, the information on the Thirstlands was a bit sparse: next phase, after these edits are made will be to integrate the setting into the creature and vice versa, make it a bit more "Santhy" (or is that Nymby?). Anyways, thanks much, I'll post an update when I'm ready for more comments!


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Sparkle on 04 August 2010, 04:29:17
It has to be nice, because I kept on reading this.


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 07 August 2010, 03:00:57
Thanks :)
I'm almost done, trying to move into the new place, and getting ready for the start of a new school year!


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Azhira Styralias on 07 August 2010, 05:19:46
Thanks :)
I'm almost done, trying to move into the new place, and getting ready for the start of a new school year!

That is no excuse to delay an entry!   :hammer:


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on 07 August 2010, 06:15:14
We need to buy our local slave-driver a whip.   ;)


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 07 August 2010, 08:28:35
Also.. waiting for Deci?


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 21 August 2010, 23:11:15
Could I get a Nyb devver to check this out, give me a hand?


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 07 May 2013, 05:20:29
An update! Not for a masterwork, just for a bit of fun ;) If there are any points that you all think could be interesting places for expansion, do let me know.


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 14 May 2013, 03:53:44
Okeydokey, as the commenting situation these days is so overwhelmingly non-existent, I'll have a look here... I'm not an expert on Nybelmar nor on beasts, but here we go:

- Title could perhaps be "The Tolu Pack-Beast", as we always try to specify the type of animal already in the text you see in the menu.

- At the Overview maybe mention its approximate size, e.g. in comparison to a horse. Also an indicator of the continent where the Doimo Nomads live would be good. Note the spelling of "Doimo" BTW - as you wrote "Domino"... (also further down in the text) Also to mention: That "Tolu" is also used as the plural form.

- Now this sentence is a bit of a mystery to me:

Quote
The Tolu's six legs are not quite evenly distrusted.

Did you actually want to say that or did you want to use another word there, because "distrusted" looks rather out of place somehow.

- The size is also not really mentioned in the Appearance section, especially as you say that it looks like a horse in the distance, which doesn't mean that it's that size actually. As you say as well: The distance however, would have to be significant.

- "1 ped and 2 fores" - numbers smaller than 13 should be written in full (one, two).

- Some small fixes here:

Quote
In color, the Tolu range from a fairly common sandy brown to a more piebald white and brown colouration, more common in females than males.

...more akin to man than beast

...fights within these gatherings are not uncommo

I'd say itr's a nice entry, and a good way to start a comeback, Nsiki :) Didn't spot any major problems with it, and I hope the beast is fine with Nybelmarians as well. At any rate aura +1 for getting back to it again. With a few adjustments this should be ready to go up right away. :D


Title: Re: Tolu
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 14 May 2013, 17:15:06
What a great entry! Concise, well-written, cool concept! I love 'tolling'! (Perhaps add it as a Lore section to make it easier to locate?) I will definitely keep an eye out for your entries in the future, Nsiki. :)

No issues from a Nybelmar perspective.


Title: Re: The Tolu Pack-Beast
Post by: Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth on 14 May 2013, 23:20:03
Updates made! Thanks to Art and Coren :)


Title: Re: The Tolu Pack-Beast
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 17 May 2013, 04:15:32
Marked for integration then!  :thumbup:  :cool: