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Title: Hematia Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 11 June 2011, 14:42:33 Category: Weed.
Overview: Hematia [Kuglimz-Seitre: Rik'jyrl, also called Footsbane Flower] is a nasty, thorny plant, growing low to the ground, and killing almost every plant within a ped of its seed pod. It spreads quickly, and can cover perries (http://www.santharia.com/standards/measures_and_weights.htm) in mere months. Hematia has a strong, fibrous root that is great for making cord and thread. The plant grows mainly in the North (http://www.santharia.com/places/northern_sarvonia.htm) of Sarvonia (http://www.santharia.com/places/sarvonia.htm), but has been seen more than once in the South (http://www.santharia.com/places/santharia.htm), as well as in Nybelmar (http://www.santharia.com/places/nybelmar.htm). It grows from treeline to sea-level, except where the water would submerge it more than once a year. Description: Hematia is a sickly-looking gangrene plant, with shiny, teardrop-shaped leaves two nailsbreadths (http://www.santharia.com/standards/measures_and_weights.htm) wide and three long, all of which grow in a circular mat on the ground, a fore and a half in diameter. A brown, spherical seed pod, approximately as big as the circle made by one's thumb and forefinger, grows on a stalk in the center of that mat. Under each leaf is a two-nailsbreadth-long thorn that, when stepped on, will break off inside the skin. The thorn, which is not unlike those of the Lashardia plant, punctures the leaf above it, which contains a powerful toxin (http://www.santharia.com/medicine/poisons.htm) that causes excruciating pain in an open wound. The toxin also causes the victim's blood to flow more freely, causing them to bleed very profusely. While this has never been said to kill anyone, a victim will usually be weaker than normal for up to two weeks afterward, while they regain the lost blood. The plant's root system grows a ped (http://www.santharia.com/standards/measures_and_weights.htm) in all directions from the central seed pod, and Hematia will kill anything within that radius, by making the soil very aceedic as well as taking all of the area's water for itself. The roots themselves are fibrous, shiny and almost pure white, making them look rather nice when used as stitching on some clothing. Hematia has killed entire harvests' worth of crops for some Northern farmers, and has indirectly led to the production of many utensils to quickly get rid of the plant (Among many farmers called the "Footsbane Flower"). Only a few of these actually work.. These also tend to be spiked and rather menacing, and would make good weapons (http://www.santharia.com/weapons/weapons.htm) in a pinch. Territory: The Hematia plant can grow almost anywhere (http://www.santharia.com/places/caelereth.htm). It is, however, surprisingly rare outside of a few parts of Sarvonia's North (http://www.santharia.com/places/northern_sarvonia.htm), and has been spotted growing in Nybelmar (http://www.santharia.com/places/nybelmar.htm). It would grow to the treeline in most mountain ranges, and can survive second and third frosts that would kill weaker plants. The only mountain range that it is a common sight in is the Caaehl (http://www.santharia.com/places/caaehl_mountains.htm), however. It is also relatively common in the lands of the Kruul Peninsula (http://www.santharia.com/places/kruul_peninsula.htm), before the land becomes infertile. It is also seen in the Celeste Lowlands and the Kuglimz lands, and is scattered around the Kanapan Lands. Its toxin (http://www.santharia.com/medicine/poisons.htm) is actually more potent in the wintertime, under snow, and has been said to kill some small animals under these circumstances. The only place it will not grow is one with a moving waterline, like a swamp, or a particularly active floodplain. The plant drowns easily, and being submerged for so much as mere minutes in warmer climates leads to significantly raised chances of it dying of fungus. Uses: The Kanapan (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/kanapans.htm) tribe of Northern Sarvonia sometimes makes cord out of Hematia, and the Kuglimz (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/kuglimz.htm)'ura are sometimes fond of the use of Hematia thorns as decorations, and they also make arrowheads out of them that will break off in the skin. The Kuglimz'ura are also fond of mashing together huge pots of the toxin (http://www.santharia.com/medicine/poisons.htm) found in the leaves before a battle, and dipping blades and arrows in it. It does a fine job of nearly immobilizing a foe, even from a minor wound or glancing shot. The Kuglimz'ura also tend to use the white roots to stitch their clothing, as it adds a nice accent. The root is impossible to dye, though, so it isn't all that widely used. Trolls have been seen using whole Hematia plants, tied onto their Margh Grumph (http://www.santharia.com/weapons/margh_grumph_fist_weapon.htm) weapons, where it may be a better addition then the trolls know. Its main use, however, is its poison. As the Kuglimz'ura use it, it cripples foes with the sheer pain, and it is useful for torture for the same reason. Some of the Kuglimz and the Arthyrón have been known to concentrate the toxin, boiling the leaves for hours, replacing them when necessary, and removing the leaves so that the water boils away. A sticky paste is left that will burn bare skin when exposed to it. When boiled into a tea, it causes painful ulcers, bloating, and can leave one bedridden with pain and sickness for days, depending on whether it is administered more than once. The Arthyrón once hated the plant, and saw no good in it, but have grown fond of its poison, using it mainly as an enhancement to their arrows, and find it invaluable in driving off the Greater Hooded Trolog. Reproduction: The Hematia plant grows a seed pod about two days after the mat of leaves grows. Once this seed pod reaches its height of about a fore, it starts to grow seeds. Two weeks after it starts, the onion (http://www.santharia.com/herbarium/onions.htm)-like outer layer falls off, and the seeds leave the pod by wind or whenever the seed pod is bumped into. The cycle will repeat three weeks after the first seed is released, meaning that it will deposit seeds every five weeks. Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Bard Judith on 11 June 2011, 15:04:34 Well, it's not so much a technical ability to cite your sources as it is putting in the effort to do the research.
For example, you should avoid superlatives, and sweeping statements such as 'this plant has taken over much of Sarvonia's (note spelling) north, leaving little but the trees to compete', as the Northern developers, not to mention all of the various Northern tribes, will not appreciate your wholesale slaying-off our carefully developed northern plants! Instead, look through the herbarium and see which plants grow and flourish in the North, and do not create a plant that can't fit into the existing ecosystem! Which is not to say that this isn't a fascinating and well-concepted plant...it's just that you need to respect and research the work of prior developers. Everything accepted into the Compendium of the Santharian Dream needs to fit into the extant world of Caelereth. Little note which we wouldn't expect a newcomer to know: 'Acidic' is actually spelt 'aceedic' in Santharia, as it's a Gnomic word (from the language of the Gnomes, our scientific equivalent to Latin). I see you've checked your measurements - good job... you might also want to check the Climate thread (in these boards, not on the site) and see if any of the information there might be useful. As to cross-referring specifically - you could compare Sniper's Root to another thorny or poisonous plant we already have. You could talk about its usages by specific tribes: eg. the Kasumari are said to use its poison for torture, or the farmers of XXX find its fibers invaluable for rope and cordage, or herbwives in YYY brew an insect repellant which contains Sniper venom as one of its ingredients (and for bonus points, list other existing plants that could also go into the mixture! ) As much as possible, INTEGRATE your entry into the Compendium and the world so that it is part of the universe, rather than being a generic, stand-alone, vaguely fantasy-themed submission. Hope those little hints help! It's a pleasure to take the time to give them, especially when we don't have to worry about spell-checking or basic grammar first... :D This is a very promising entry, so let's see where you can take it from here. Regards from the Bard, Judith Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 11 June 2011, 15:39:54 Yep, a very good start, Vergos, and Judy already made some valuable comments :)
It's also part of the fun of creating something to check out other similar entries, see how others have done it and get inspiration from there on what you might still add to make your plant perfect. Like making a little saying, add some lore, things like that. And you might get ideas on where to place the plant better to avoid rather general statements that they grow in this, this and this continent. Just a few smaller things, as I'm not really an expert on plants: - As Judy already pointed out: It's "Sarvonia" (not Sardonia) - In the Overview you start three sentences in a row with "It..." Could be done better ;) - Also the Overview could have the specification that the plant grows "to the treeline in most mountain ranges", because as of yet where it grows is only vaguely specified, especially in the Overview. - At the end of the first Description paragraph you mention "when stepped on" and in the next sentence you continue with "When one steps on the plant", which is repetitive, so could be adjusted a bit. :) Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 11 June 2011, 16:07:00 I started to edit this today, but it's getting a tad late for me. I'll probably work a little more on this one tomorrow, and once I've polished this off enough, I'll start working on the trade of Treebending, which...
My god, I don't even know how to begin on that one. 'Tis goan' to be a long 'un, Ah' can smell 't in te wind... Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Bard Judith on 11 June 2011, 22:05:55 Aaaaah! Run away! It's another orcen developer!
(picks up her skirts and prepares to flee, then stops in abashment...) Oh, sorry, Vergos. We have a much-loved but currently absent orc named Tharoc Wargrider, who also speaks Tharian (what newcomers might call Terran English, the language of this site) with that particular dialect. Bard Judith and he were good friends and the accent brings back memories.... (clears her throat, drops her normally pleasant alto voice an octave, and tries it on) Hast tha onny orcen friends t' day, lad? Ah've been teckin' ma time t' be scribin' up ma entries of late an' have nobbut a mite ta tawk... Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Valan Nonesuch on 12 June 2011, 23:20:49 I'm concerned about the bowstring comments, so I'll ask our resident bowmaster Jonael to see if he can clairify that particular mark
Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr on 13 June 2011, 06:45:45 Right, well, time for the Uri-check, methinks. Comments are in orange, corrections in red.
Category: Weed. Overview: A nasty, thorny plant, growing low to the ground Could you please try to avoid using parentheses wherever possible; it's not great style, and in this case they're easily replaced with either commas or dashes(save for one stalk that houses the seed pod), and killing almost every plant within a ped of its seed pod. It spreads quickly.A bit bland this sentence. Perhaps an indicator of how quickly? Sniper's Root has a strong, fibrous root that is great for making bowstrings Again, parentheses. Perhaps a dash thus "...bowstrings - hence the name..." or commas(hence the name 'Sniper's Root'). The plant grows mainly in the North (http://www.santharia.com/places/northern_sarvonia.htm) of Sarvonia (http://www.santharia.com/places/sarvonia.htm), but has been seen more than once in the South (http://www.santharia.com/places/santharia.htm), as well as in Nybelmar (http://www.santharia.com/places/nybelmar.htm). It grows from treeline to sea-level, except where the water would submerge it more than once a year. Description: Sniper's root is a sickly-looking gangrene plant, with shiny, teardrop-shaped leaves two nailsbreadths (http://www.santharia.com/standards/measures_and_weights.htm) wide and three long, all of which grow in a circular mat on the ground, a fore and a half in diameter. A brown, spherical seed pod, approximately as big as the circle made by one's thumb and forefinger, grows on a stalk in the center of that mat. Under each leaf is a two-nailsbreadth-long thorn that, when stepped on, will break off inside the skin. This needs to be fixed here, so remove the paragraph break and either make these one sentence or two; eg, "...break off inside the skin. The thorn breaks through..." or "...when stepped on, breaks through the leaf above, which contains a powerful toxin, and break off inside the skin. The toxin causes {detail effects}..." , the thorn breaks through the leaf above it, which contains a powerful toxin (http://www.santharia.com/medicine/poisons.htm) that causes excruciating pain in an open wound. The toxin also causes the victim's blood to flow more freely, causing them to bleed very profusely. While this has never been said to kill anyone, a victim will usually be weaker than normal for up to two weeks afterward, while they regain the lost blood. The plant's root system grows a ped (http://www.santharia.com/standards/measures_and_weights.htm) in all directions from the central seed pod, and the Sniper's Root plant will kill anything within that radius, by making the soil very aceedic, Overcomma'd (I like this new word of mine :P) here; I would instinctively say remove either the comma before "by" or that after "aceedic", just for smoothness's sake.as well as taking all of the area's water for itself. The roots themselves are fibrous, shiny and almost pure white, making them look rather nice when used as stitching on some clothing. Sniper's Root has killed entire harvests' worth of crops for some Northern farmers, and has indirectly led to the production of many utensils to quickly get rid of the 'Footsbane Flower"Your style seems to be " " rather than ' ' so change the ' here to a ", as some in the North call it. Most of those don't work, but a few do. These also tend to be spiked and rather menacing, and would make good weapons (http://www.santharia.com/weapons/weapons.htm) in a pinch. Territory: The Sniper's Root plant grows almost anywhere (http://www.santharia.com/places/caelereth.htm). It inhabits many parts of Sarvonia's North (http://www.santharia.com/places/northern_sarvonia.htm), and has been spotted growing in Nybelmar (http://www.santharia.com/places/nybelmar.htm). It grows to the treeline in most mountain ranges, and can survive second and third frosts that would kill weaker plants. ItsPossessive of it takes no apostrophetoxin (http://www.santharia.com/medicine/poisons.htm) is actually more potent in the wintertime, under snow, and has been said to kill pets and other small animals under these circumstances. The only place it will not growno comma here Uses: The only real use of the Sniper's Root plant lies in the plant's root system itself. The roots, usually half a grain (http://www.santharia.com/standards/measures_and_weights.htm) to a grain thick, are strong and fibrous, and when twisted together,Either a comma after "and" or none after "together" make great bowstrings that will last a very long time. Bowstrings made of silk and flax are generally stronger, but more prone to breakingA paradox! By gum, a paradox! "stronger, but more prone to breaking". Would you either change this, or explain better what you mean by it, if it isn't a contradiction but an esoteric piece of bowmaking lore?. Theoretically, one with an allergy to the plant may in fact die if they were to step on it, but this has never officially happened.What do you mean, "officially"? Would something like "there are no records" or "there are no verified accounts" work better? The Kanapan (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/kanapans.htm) tribe of Northern Sarvonia sometimes makes cord out of Sniper's Root, and the Kuglimz (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/humans/kuglimz.htm)'ura are sometimes fond of the use of Sniper's Root bowstrings, especially since it complements Kuglimz'ura bow design, and won't break when strung together with animal sinew. The Kuglimz'ura are also fond of mashing together huge pots of the toxin (http://www.santharia.com/medicine/poisons.htm) found in the leaves before a battle, and dipping blades and arrows in it. It does a fine job of nearly immobilizing a foe, even from a minor wound or glancing shot. The Kuglimz'ura also tend to use the white roots to stitch their clothing, as it adds a nice accent. The root is impossible to dye, though, so it isn't all that widely used. Reproduction: The Sniper's Root plant grows a seed pod about two days after the mat of leaves grows. Once this seed pod reaches its height of about a fore, it starts to grow seeds. Two weeks after it starts, the outer layer Parentheses... Use commas or dashes here.(like a thicker kind of onion (http://www.santharia.com/herbarium/onions.htm) skin) falls off, and the seeds leave the pod by wind, or whenever the seed pod is bumped into. The cycle will repeat every three weeks after the first seed, meaning that it will deposit seeds every five weeks.This is a bit unclear, and at first reads like it should be every three weeks that seeds are deposited. The problem is that you said "every" three weeks after the first seed; to clarify, you should probably remove the every, and add "is released" for clarification, thus giving "...cycle will repeat three weeks after the first seed is released, meaning..." or something like that. And you have a big gap here for some reason... :D Love the entry, a very nice addition to the Herbarium. Well done! Good overall - and don't mind me, I'm fussy. It reads very nicely indeed. Ath EDIT to fix the formatting Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Seeker on 13 June 2011, 06:54:57 Vergos i like your little plant here. A very good entry for a first start. So well done. :thumbup:
I hope you don't get overwhelmed by the comments. Especially the Uri check. The Uri check is designed to look at details. Just as Athviaro has done. So learn from the comments and have fun. It will be worth it when this little plant gets finally approved and posted. Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Azhira Styralias on 14 June 2011, 03:32:43 This nasty (in a good way!) plant would greatly ruin existing plants, farms and ecosystems in the ranges you are suggesting - especially the flora-rich Kanapan lands.
I'd prefer to see the Sniper Root in north Caaehl'heroth (the Caaehl Mountain range (http://www.santharia.com/places/caaehl_mountains.htm) perhaps), the Aden peninsula, the Kr'uul peninsula (http://www.santharia.com/places/kruul_peninsula.htm) or the corrupt Water Marshes. (http://www.santharia.com/places/faavcalar.htm) The Root belongs somewhere not very pretty and kinda desolate since it takes over any existing nice plants that are around it. Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Jonael Tomeskrift on 14 June 2011, 04:13:42 Heya Vergos, it's grand to see you so keenly developing. And that at a good level too, welcome to the Compendium
Reading through the entry so far, two concerns came up: 1. While the entry is well grounded and incorporated, there is a certain sense of overwhelming uses to the plant. While it is only a personal preference of mine, I would strongly recommend (with any entry that is) to stick to only one or two really intricate and deep-rooted ideas/concepts. While it takes away that sense of overdoing it, it also means that you will focus all your creativity and efforts into two beautifully rich and fruitful concepts about the entry you have just designed. So with this entry my recommendation would be to ease up a little on the applications and uses of the sniper's root ^^ at the moment these come across as a little too plentiful yet superficial. which leads into 2. The use of the sniper's root as a bow string. The idea is enticing, and having looked into it, could probably work when used to reinforce the animal sinew, given the nature of the material, but at the same time the single meter length of these strands brings up reservations in my mind. The success of a bow string is determined by consistency along its full length and it's strength. So you'll see that one meter is very short. Dunno, I guess if elaborated on and ironing out some of the technical issues it could work... As mentioned above though I would much rather recommend dropping this aspect and focusing a little more on a few of the others. Now, just so that it doesn't look like I'm only spelling doom on this grand first entry, let em propose an alternate: Have a look at the Margh Grumph (http://www.santharia.com/weapons/margh_grumph_fist_weapon.htm) entry. It is a 'makeshift' weapon of sorts used by trolls, and the sniper's root looks like an absolute trump card for this type of weapon. Maybe consider one of the sniper's roots as one of the more fatal additions to the margh grumph? All in all great effort, and well under way, keep it up ^^ Jonael Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 26 July 2011, 14:39:31 Alright-- After a too-long absence, I'm finally back and putting a couple more touches on this plant. Please go through again and find anything you see that bothers you, or reiterate something I haven't fixed yet. I'm going through the existing Herbarium to find more plants similar to what will soon be Sniper's Root (Although I might change the name, as nary a sniper you'll find using it, after these revisions)-- If you can think of any off the top of your head with similar leaves, thorns or reproduction, then I'd be very happy to look into them. Sorry for the wait, by the way. I'd been in a long battle with the demon named Procrastination, however feeble an excuse that is.
Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 26 July 2011, 15:42:33 On an unrelated topic, as soon as I am finished with this masterpiece (Oh, what a hideous masterpiece it is), I'll be moving on to some utterly crazier ideas-- And since I'd rather not start a topic anew only to find that my ideas are completely ridiculous, I'll post some of them right here, for your reading pleasure.
First of all, in my strange daydreams, especially the ones I have at three in the morning, I've thought up a complete and utter work of genius. Of course, that means it will be nigh impossible to put on paper. So far, I've thought up a town, a set of cliffs, a cave system, a swamp, around five plants, two or three animals, and a lot of complete ridiculous (Yes-- I know that's an adjective). The basic idea starts with the aforementioned cliffs: A set of limestone cliffs with all sorts of plant life growing out of them, including a yet unnamed tree that grows directly into it (the cliffs get light all day long, as they are the high ground and face North) and a vine that they call the Fool's Rope, for many have gripped it only to find it just barely won't hold their weight. It feels sturdy, due to tendrils gripping into the rock face under each leaf, but the tendrils quickly snap if the vine is moved from the cliff face and the vine snaps at one of many joints. The cliff itself is dangerously fragile, as roots have pried open crevices and cracks. The bottom of the cliffs is covered in broken rocks, fallen trees, and the odd victim of the Fool's Rope. If one were to fall down this cliff, they'd be faced with a choice: Try and climb again (which yields two fates: Reach the top, or the caves filled with crystals, which so many climbers seek, or to fall down and face the choice again-- If the climber hasn't died) or to go West, into the marshland. The marshland truly isn't one-- The stagnant and odorous air might make it feel like one at times, but it is truly a lagoon, a pool filled with clear water, with trees growing out of it and the odd water lily floating atop. In fact, if you were to arrive during the early spring, when the flowers' perfume drowns out that stench that you just won't say is rotting flesh, then it's actually a very pleasant-seeming place. However, there's a reason this isn't a tourist destination, and that smell wasn't coming from anything harmless at all... A deadly variant of the Tangleweed lives in this swamp-- One more deadly than the others. While the other variants' tendrils may break with a sharp tug, or at worst a slice of the knife, the warm water of the Marshland strengthened these, so that they wrap around a victim's ankle and wait for it to fall or to crouch and try to untangle its tendrils. Make no mistake, these tangleweeds grow in matches, so where one is, more are waiting. If the victim noticed in time and crouched to undo it, more will only wrap around whatever is nearest, dragging the unfortunate victim ever-closer to the water, or until they can go no further. In the latter case, the person is either trying in vain to tear off the sticky tendrils, which would by now be hopelessly tangled around whatever appendage was in the area, or they'd have their arms tangled, too. Either way, the fish and worse that live in the swamp know, somehow, when the Tangleweeds have ensnared another victim, and will soon come to feed. The weed wins anyway, as the tendrils have 'collectors' that can filter the nutrient-rich blood out of the water. Okay, this is already too long for an 'introduction' to this idea-- Just know this-- In the cliffs are caves that hold the incentive adventurers have to climb them. The town uses the cliffs as a defense. There are strange tribes in the marshes. The trees are not just trees. There's a reason that no algae grows in the water. Plot points, plot points, etc. Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Deklitch Hardin on 26 July 2011, 16:14:29 so ... what area in Caeleroth does all of this take place in? have you already looked to see if there is one that meets the conditions you have mentioned? It is best to find an area that'll fit the ideas rather than coming up with an idea and forcing the area to fit the idea. I'm not saying what you're proposing is a bad idea ... in fact, I like it ... I'm just wondering if you've got any ideas as to where you'd like to put it.
Title: Re: Sniper's Root Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 27 July 2011, 04:52:08 so ... what area in Caeleroth does all of this take place in? have you already looked to see if there is one that meets the conditions you have mentioned? It is best to find an area that'll fit the ideas rather than coming up with an idea and forcing the area to fit the idea. I'm not saying what you're proposing is a bad idea ... in fact, I like it ... I'm just wondering if you've got any ideas as to where you'd like to put it. Well, the reason I haven't is that I'm not sure if any if it is possible, worth the trouble, or sensible. After this plant gets all set, I'll look into it, either for an undeveloped north-facing cliff (like at the edge of a plateau), a swamp that borders some undeveloped area, or just a blank slate of some kind. For now, though, I'm looking into a new name for this plant here. Title: Re: Rik'jyrl (Frmr. Sniper's Root) Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 27 July 2011, 05:46:13 I've changed the name of this plant to Rik'jyrl, which I believe means "Hooked Plant" in the Kuglimz language. If there's another plant with this name that I've missed, tell me, and the same goes if I've completely botched the grammar of that language. I only have a rudimentary understanding of that language.
Title: Re: Rik'jyrl (Frmr. Sniper's Root) Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 28 July 2011, 03:49:00 Okeydokey, let's have a closer look at this one:
- Concerning the name: I guess "Rik'jyrl" is ok as a Kuglim-Seitre word, ideally a proper Tharian (=English) name would also be good - especially as you say that it grows practically everywhere. As you're writing this entry for the Santharian Compendium the Tharian name would be the primary one used by the writer if the plant is common in Santharia as well. "Hooked Plant" is the translation, but would be hardly used in a colloquial conversation I assume. - A side note: Putting the links in the text isn't really necessary, I'll do that usually when I put up the entry. It's easier when I do them on my local hard drive and the upload it all with the entry. Saves you some time :) - You say: "The Rik'jyrl plant grows almost anywhere." Would be better written "can grow almost anywhere" I assume, because later you make it more relative. "Rare" outside Northern Sarvonia and "twice in Nybelmar" isn't exactly "anywhere". In general it's still rather unclear where the plant grows, because as far as I can see what you've mentioned is not really Kuglimz territory (correct me if I'm wrong!). The Kruul Peninsula e.g. is far away from the Kuglimz (see here (http://www.santharia.com/places/places_pics/northern_sarvonia_tribes.jpg) a very rough map who lives where). - "Has been said to kill pets and other small animals". The term "pets" doesn't seem to fit here, because this is a plant grows out in the nature where not too many pets are around I assume. See previous issue. So better change that to "rodents" or something similar, or mention territory closer to the Kuglimz. And mention the Kanapan lands in Territory, it's just not very precise at the moment. - But these are just minor things. I really like the plant, the entry is very well written, didn't even spot a typo! So for me it looks already very complete for a first entry, so I can only say: Well done, Vergos! :thumbup: I guess you've definitely earned you aura +1! On your other ideas: - General note: Maybe these ideas are better discussed in an own topic, otherwise people might comment more on the ideas than on the posted plant and it could get confusing. - As far as these ideas concerned: My only question would be: Quote ...the cliffs get light all day long, as they are the high ground and face North... Don't know exactly why it is important that it faces North? Maybe you could explain that. Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 04 August 2011, 04:51:30 Alright, I believe that's the last of it. Thanks for all the help, and we'll see how the rest of my stay here goes, I guess!
Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Deklitch Hardin on 04 August 2011, 06:27:20 Vergos, in future, please colour changes you make to your entries.
I would greatly appreciate it if you would either (1) remove the eastern coastline of the Kruul peninsula from the area of your plant, or (2) mention the Arthyron elves in your entry somewhere, as they are the main inhabitants of the eastern coastline of this peninsula. The eastern coastline of the peninsula is rocky and has cliffs, so it could help you in that regard. Maybe the elves use it against the Hooded Trolog (a big nasty poisonous reptilian monster who resides in the waters of Eight Winds Bay and attacks elves) or something. If you need a marsh somewhere around there, I'm sure something along those lines could be created for your purposes. Good entry otherwise Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 05 August 2011, 14:52:58 It shouldn't be a problem. I must have missed them while I was scouring the tribes references-- Maybe because I was mainly looking at human tribes. I'll start work on it now, and this change I *will* color.
Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 06 August 2011, 08:04:56 Alright-- That is fixed, the changes are in red.
Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 09 August 2011, 03:33:58 Ok, one more look...
- I agree that you should make sure to mark changes when you edit posts (unless you only correct minor things like typos and stuff). Because if someone wants to recheck your entry and see how you've improved your post, it should be clear what was actually changed. No need to mark every word or so, you can as well mark a paragraph to indicate where adjustments were made. So keep that in mind for the future, Vergos :) - I see you've now used another name, which is fine. Though you don't need to get rid of the Kuglimz name altogether, becaue the plant still grows in this region - you can just put it in brackets and mention that it's the Kuglimz-Seitre version. - Same as with the term "Footsbane Flower" BTW. Could be also put in brackets, and the various names should all be part of the Overview to have them all collected. - Guess there rest of the changes as far as I can see fix the other smaller problems I've spotted before, so that's all fine. The plant is also somewhat embedded with various references here and there - keep this in mind, this makes an entry really good. It's all about making it part of the world. Maybe you'll have some myth/lore in future entries, but personally I'm happy with this one, Vergos! - Hope you'll also put one of your mentioned exiting ideas on digital paper soon! Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Deklitch Hardin on 09 August 2011, 08:07:29 Thank you for your inclusion of the Arthyron in the entry ... looks like a great entry to me.
Nothing more from me other than another +1 aura. Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Vergos Exitalis on 09 August 2011, 12:37:14 Aye, and thankya for the +aura. I would have added some lore to this plant, but in my opinion it's not really distinctive enough for people to have made stories about it. People on Earth don't make strange stories about *everything* they come across, and I suppose that's what I'm thinking of when I ask myself how people would behave. If I make the cliffs/swamp entry, that'll definitely have lore-- It's just begging for a bogeyman story, after all.
Title: Re: Hematia Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 10 August 2011, 04:01:43 Yep - don't worry, Vergos, you don't need lore for every kind of plant you're developing of course ;) Just aim to embed your entries as good as possible in the world, that's the thing. And from what I read your other ideas definitely sound like there's a story or two associated with them...
I'll mark this one now for integration, will be up next update then! Congrats on your very first completed entry! Woo-hooo! :thumbup: |