Santharian Development

Organization and General Discussions => The Continent of Aeruillin => Topic started by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 24 July 2003, 03:56:00



Title: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi - READY
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 24 July 2003, 03:56:00
EDIT: final revisions made, ready to go. Hope it is somewhat similar to what you wanted. :crazy    


We know not from whence these words came
a subtle kind of compassion
purity in a rare form

Grant, O Nakashi, thy Brilliance
And with Brilliance, Knowledge
And with Knowledge, Insight
And with Insight, Virtues
And with Virtues, Frankness
And with Frankness, Power
And with Power, the Love
The Love of all Beings
The Love of thee, O Queen of Light

Divine One, I can hear thy voice
and see thy angelic face.

Doest thou open thy eyes so deep
so profound in love to look
to the depth of my soul?

A tear begins to form;
the mists of ecstasy
has taken the faithful
to see, to hear, to taste
to a safe and precious place

Grant, O Nakashi, thy Brilliance
And with Brilliance, Knowledge
And with Knowledge, Insight
And with Insight, Virtues
And with Virtues, Frankness
And with Frankness, Power
And with Power, the Love
The Love of all Beings
The Love of thee, O Queen of Light

Hear the sound of the spirit’s song
Speaking softly to followers
Of her radiant vision

*****
---------

I was thinking of this as a song/prayer. The priest gives a sermon and then asks the people in the temple to recite a prayer to the goddess and sing with him/her. What i imagined was singing this as it is/was done in african american churches. There is one little thing though: The prayer has a set melody, and will be repeated until the deity answers them. According to the belief, the god(s) will chose someone to speak/sing for them. So if someone suddenly flies into a trans and starts singing a different melody/in a different tone, that shows the reaction of the deity. (legato would mean the god is not annoyed, willing to listen etc.) Therefore, it was essential for me to keep the chorus part short and easy to memorize (italics).

PS: When the holiday ends, and i have access to my piano once again I am planning to compose the melody as well. I was thinking of either a Celtic or an oriental one, but if anyone wants to compose something for this... feel free. (Since I can only begin working on this in November)

PS: This poem was also posted in the Library forum, to see the comments there, please follow this link (hope i can get it right this time...) here

Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 9/28/03 8:08


Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 19 August 2003, 00:22:00
is anybody out there?



Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 19 August 2003, 07:18:00
Nope, no Aeruillin developer available for a while.


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Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 19 August 2003, 09:47:00
hmm, does that mean i should quit working on Aeruillin, for i'm afraid to write something that does not fit the necessary style , or should i continue producing things and wait for the developers to be online?



Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 19 August 2003, 11:52:00
You won't have any luck with Aeruillin development in general in the near future. Amuwen has joined the navy and appears only sporadically (also she has promised to do work if possible for a non-Aeruillin area, Qel'tra'loh) and Artemis has school and computer problems at the moment, so these things need to be sorted out.

In short: No Aeruillin development recommended at the moment. Main focus is still Sarvonia.


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Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Amuwen on 19 August 2003, 15:59:00
Unfortunately, I don't know enough about Artemis's plans for Nakashi to be able to say if this is even relevant to her. I do love the idea though!

I'll be home until the 31st of August and I've just now gotten so I'm able to get on my computer daily so perhaps we shall see a bit of progress in here as well. I know I've still got several areas I wanted to finish that are barely touched yet. I'll have to go over all my old notes and then go from there.

I did just find out that my ship does have e-mail capability and they've just got a new net server thing,(That I don't really understand) I think it's a satellite type thingy... Here's the paragraph that said about it all:
Quote:
A few items of interest for you; The ship has e-mail capability and you will be set up with your own e-mail account on the ship's local area network.  You can send e-mail even while we are underway which makes keeping in touch with family and friends, (those that have e-mail), much easier.  We also have fast but limited Internet access thanks to the install of the new SHF, (super high frequency), antennas.  It's not as fast as a cable modem but it is much faster than dial-up.



Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 19 August 2003, 23:00:00
*blushes at the compliment and utters something like... ah, umm, i mean... thanks amuwen!*

back to business... what about the poem though? i am planning to compose the melody quite soon, so i'm in a hurry to make the final changes for the poem. it is hard to play around with the text after the melody is constructed - or at least for me.



Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Amuwen on 20 August 2003, 04:06:00
Ohhhkay...

I do see some things that don't quite fit. I was so hesitant to criticize this! I love the poem exactly the way it is, but there are parts that as much as I tried to find something, they just don't fit.

The parts where you say about Justice and Shelter don't work for this goddess. As much as she is the goddess of all, there are still more specific gods and goddesses.
Quote:
Léarin looked upon the land and created the elves. They were as she was, in her image, they did not age, and protected the land that surrounded them.

Léarin is the goddess that protects and shelters. She's also the goddess of mind.
Quote:
Jenevére looked upon the land, and did not know what to do. She held conference with the rest of the ten, and was advised to create a balance, as the Void had done before them.

Jenevére is more the goddess of balance and justice, if you will.

I think more lines reguarding how Nakashi is the goddess of light would be better added.

I still love the poem the way it is though!! It's just unfortunately my job to help make it fit better.:  



Title: Re: Grant O Divine Being - a prayer/song to Nakashi
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 20 August 2003, 12:36:00
yes, i guess that should change. i'll see what i can do, and hopefully will have it revised before friday. dont worry about the critism, i appreciate it.

also should the poem end as it does, or should we have the chorus repeated at the end? maybe slightly changed so that it ends with a request of goddess' help to purify their existance?

amuwen, maybe you could help me with this: could we make a small list of keywords concerning the goddess, so i could alter the chorus with that? i don't want to use every single thing - for example, i think the pegasus and the white flower does not fit into the poem. what i'm looking for is more like... virtues or states of being

so, we have
-innocence
-purity
-light

what else? i think i'll need two or three more more

thanks a lot for helping
alp

ps: when can i find you on msn, or chat? i'll begin working on the settlement tomorrow, so maybe some thought could also go into that



Title: :D
Post by: Artemis on 20 August 2003, 16:48:00
I'm here!!!

Santharia-starved Artemis is here!!!

Woohoo!!!

For One Night Only!!! Or, to be more precise, ten minutes only. I'm at a friends house. I stole the internet from them for a bit. Hehehe.

From what I can see, it's a good poem, however, it is not specific enough to Nakashi. As many people have also pointed out, you use words that are not relevant to her. It's good to see you changing that.

Perhaps, to make it more specific, you could actually add in her name in a few places. Also, look at the entry for her, there are examples of other names she is commonly called.

Words associated with Nakashi are, aside from the three mentioned - peace, honesty, brilliance.

Anyway, it's a good poem. It's just not relevant to Nakashi.

Please adjust it.

:D  :D  :D  



Title: Re: :D
Post by: Rayne (Alýr) on 20 August 2003, 16:18:00
Of course, he doesn't believe me when I say it...

::glares::

Edited by: Rayne Avalotus  at: 8/20/03 0:18


Title: Re: :D
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 21 August 2003, 02:40:00
okay, i made some slight changes today. poem edited. but hopefully will add some more stanzas soon

rayne, i'm so sorry. i don't know why but the moment i see you my darkside takes over... i really don't want to be enemies with you. i understand what you meant by a generic poem now. i guess i have to be more openminded, and willing to accept that i can be wrong. could we start over?

Artemis, amuwen ... thank you sooooo much! artemis i hope you'll be blessed by technology soon...

The only trouble is that somehow something in the chorus doesn't sound right, but this is the best i can do in such a short period of time. more to come by saturday



Title: Re: :D
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 22 August 2003, 13:36:00
Ok, try to go for a finished version, which Amuwen and/or Artemis can approve of finally.


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Title: Re: :D
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 22 August 2003, 13:43:00
and you say you can't read every single post... one can't make a good politician out of you! you don't know how to lie!..

okay will edit the poem to the final version soon enough, once and for all! now that sounds a bit arrogant, would you not say?



Title: Re: :D
Post by: Amuwen on 24 August 2003, 23:28:00
Okie-dokey. Will be awaiting your final version. :)

Glad to see Artemis for the brief time she was here. :)  Hope she gets things sorted out soon.



Title: Re: FINISHED
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 14 September 2003, 04:41:00
hurray!



Title: ...
Post by: Artemis on 16 September 2003, 03:45:00
Woohoo!!!

I like this - it is more relevant to Nakashi now, much more so. Just one tiny, insy thing... is it possible that you could actually include her name (Nakashi) in the poem? Just to show that this is just for her, specifically for her. It's not evil to mention her name you know!!! You wont be struck by lightening or anything!!!

Technically, I can't comment, as my poetry skills are none existent. I'm sure someone such as Lucirina can comment in that area.

Anyway, nice changes, I am much happier with this now.

:D  :D  :D  



Title: Re: ...
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 16 September 2003, 12:02:00
How about having O Nakashi (i surmise this would be 4 syl.) instead of O Queen of Light for the beginning of the chorus? that way not only do we also more of her names into the poem. variety is always good.



Title: Re: ...
Post by: Amuwen on 20 September 2003, 05:43:00
Looks great!:)  Glad to see another poem about Aeruillin added to the list! Especially one for a god. I'd say this one is good to go. I don't know how Arti does the whole integration thing, cause we haven't used it in here yet. I'm sure if we just direct his attention over here we can get it approved and added.



Title: Re: ...
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 21 September 2003, 11:31:00
Already marked for integration next week:)  


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Title: ...
Post by: Ailin Ioeil Seafra Cyeall on 30 September 2003, 11:33:00
Perhaps you could have at least told me before changing the poem...

I would really rather have the first stanza back, of "her" radiant vision if possible :)

PS: if you ever make the changes, could you also change "queen of light" to "lady of light"? rhymes better



Title: Re: ...
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 30 September 2003, 11:15:00
Ok, fixed. Somehow when doing the final check the "her" seemed to be displaced there, which was definitely a mistake on my side as I see now upon re-reading (and aside from that I also put up the wrong form of the old "you" in there for some unknown reason, so shame on me... :hammer  ). That was definitely not intended;)  

"Queen" is no no "lady" as well BTW.

Oh, and if possible please try to post with your dev name, Coren, it might get pretty confusing if you play more than one char at the RPG board... :lol  


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Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 9/29/03 19:15