Santharian Development

I've only just aplied for joining your team. I found out about your site 2 days ago, and yesterday I wrote this poem. As it is my first work dedicated to this project it is about Ava, of course. Later on I plan a lot of menstrel work. Gonna make songs out of legends!  

The Eternal Dance



When the Origin was born

When the End of Ends began;

Time was making it’s first spin

Avá, Mother, dreameth then…



Cloaked in eternal sleep;

An enchanted mystery

Cleared in her blissful eyes

Thus the Living came to be.



~*~



And she saw them in her thoughts;

Separate now from the Whole

But with minds of their own;

Spirits of eternal soul.



Thus they came, the elven race,

First to speak and first to sing;

First to laugh and first to love;

To love Avá the Supreme.



Many other things she saw:

Men, dwarves, forests, stars and skies…

And she saw all were unique,

And she wondered, who am I?



Am I being just as them,

Why cannot I see myself?

Have of myself I dreameth

As I dreameth of an elf?



And she saw the answer then

And she was amazed and thrilled;

Scared of the truth she saw

But proud of what she built.



Then she looked upon herself

And perfection there she saw;

Void and eternity

Thus she marveléd in awe.



She saw beauty; She saw bliss,

But in darkness she saw sin -

Then an image came to her

That have always there been…





Then she knew He was inside

Ever with her, ever there.

He, the Cóor, Lord of the Dark,

He the bringer of despair.



And She knew that She was Him

And He knew that He was Her;

They knew they will always be;

And knew that they always were.



But Blissful She has remained,

And terrible He has stayed.

And He offered her a hand

And in his her hand she laid.



And they danced above the stars

In the cosmos; in the void.

In the darkness; in the light.

She created; He destroyed.



So it was, so it will be

So they danced, and dance today.

All is ever intertwined

In their eternal play.



But She was who first awoke,

She who gave the Good a chance

And as long as Goodness wins

She leads The Eternal Dance.



~*~



When the Origin was born

When the End of Ends began;

Time was making it’s first spin

Avá, Mother, dreameth then.



During the eternal sleep

An enchanted mystery

Cleared in her blissful eyes

Thus began the history…

 

Oh, that clears up who you're *draws a crittled line from Anastasia mail to Mutares being proud of his associative skills*

Welcome!

As I feel incapable to criticize poetic texts I just say: On first glimpse amazing! Maybe some things are not 100% the way the cosmology works but I guess that is something our Artimidor should point out when he stumbles over such an occurrence.

Koldar Mondrakken, Knight of the Moonlight
--Santharian Master of Disaster--
One day I'll be the greatest of all Jedi!!

Only thing I see, if you're willing to accept going back over the poem and making a few smal changes. You say that Ava "saw" things. "Saw" is used much too frequently. Try other synonyms, or even other tenses. Also, change "she." Maybe to Ava, and leave out another syllable. A few examples, may or may not be to your liking. I'm also probably not the best to judge poetry, but I have some opinions. If I'm wrong, then DISAGREE with me.



And she KNEW the answer then
Was amazed and TRULY thrilled;
AFRAID of truth SHE'D SEEN,
But proud of what she built.



She saw beauty; GAZED ON bliss,

Stormcrow

Psychotic Wizard-Type

I'll fix all except "gazed" on bliss... kinda doesn't fit, don't you think. Sort of... bliss and gaze don't go together. But I'll change it anyway, to something milder than gaze, but... ah, I'll see.
Thanks again!  

That's true. It was just an example. I didn't try very hard to find a very good word.

Stormcrow

Psychotic Wizard-Type

to an invisable hymn like tune with lutes a strumming in her head*

Ohh.....pants

*grin*