Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
  Show Posts
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 59
1  Santharian World Development / Santharian Artists Workshop and Resources / Re: Blackbeetle pic on: 13 August 2015, 18:59:10

That is all ^.^
2  Organization and General Discussions / Non-Santharian Stuff: Life, the Universe & Everything / Re: Game on Story Nexus based on Santharia world on: 29 November 2014, 18:30:26
Right! Sounds logical :) You're right, my capacity is 3, my skill was 4 (now 5)
3  Organization and General Discussions / Non-Santharian Stuff: Life, the Universe & Everything / Re: Game on Story Nexus based on Santharia world on: 28 November 2014, 04:08:11
Hi Rominet! I've been giving your game a go, I like it :)

One thing I have now: I am in the Three Arcs Keep, and one possibility outside the castle is to investigate the ruins for something interesting. The game says that it is locked for me because I need Discovery capacity 4 and I have 3... Problem is that my discovery capacity is, in fact, 4. I also still have enough action points, so that is not the problem.

Maybe the system just hasn't realised it and I need to come back later, if so I will be sure to let you know :)
4  Santharian World Development / Santharian Artists Workshop and Resources / Re: New external Santharian artist 3: Reegen on: 28 November 2014, 03:51:54
Uhm... Seems I haven't logged in for quite a long time, I missed both PMs until now! Do you still need a more elaborate caption?
5  Organization and General Discussions / Newbie Information, Joining Requests and Recruitment / Re: Hi kinda new on: 14 March 2014, 02:28:51
And I'm so old that I remember when Altario was new  shocked even though I'm more of a forum furniture than an actual developer at the moment ;)

Welcome, and I can only corroborate Altario's advice: read. A lot. And don't hesitate to ask questions if you're not sure about something, we don't bite! (unless you ask nicely)
6  Organization and General Discussions / Non-Santharian Stuff: Life, the Universe & Everything / Re: Come and look... on: 22 April 2013, 20:34:54
Wow, that's so nice, right out of a fairy tale!

Whereas we went for a walk by the seaside yesterday, and out of the wind (at a place where we had an ice cream) I think it almost neared 20 degrees! Though in the wind it was closer to 10 ;)
7  Organization and General Discussions / Non-Santharian Stuff: Life, the Universe & Everything / Re: The Hobbit Movie- What did you think? on: 08 January 2013, 19:57:04
Nice article :) I agree that it's probably a good idea to keep parts of Middle Earth away from theaters, as it leaves some things to the imagination.

Shaba, I can see where you're coming from with your comments. I went to see the film again last weekend and you do have valid points with your comments. I think that my standards of Hollywood movies is so low that I just allow myself to be entertained, rather than find fault with every change they made to the book. If I want the kind of luck that got Bilbo through his adventures, I'll read the book again ;)

Though now I'll never get rid of the image of Martin Freeman as Bilbo, I think. Not to worry though, I think I already stated somewhere that I liked him as Bilbo :) That's always a problem with a film adaptation of a book, the image of the actors gets superimposed on your own imagination (which makes me grateful that one of my absolute all time favourites, Juliet Marilier's Daughter of Sevenwaters, was never filmed, and I hope it never will be). I had that problem with LotR, and I'll have it with The Hobbit when I reread that, but the problem will be smaller because I re-read LotR oftener than The Hobbit.

One more positive thing I have to say is about Thorin. He's such a good actor that I didn't even realise I knew him :) Richard Armitage plays Guy of Gisborne in the BBC Robin Hood series, and Mr. Thornton in the BBC series North and South, both of which I've seen (in the first case just the first series). Still it took me two viewings and even then the credits at the end of the film to realise that I knew the actor. So that's good! :)
8  Organization and General Discussions / Non-Santharian Stuff: Life, the Universe & Everything / Re: The Hobbit Movie- What did you think? on: 28 December 2012, 01:46:17
Woops, slight misunderstanding :) I meant to say, while The Hobbit was written before LotR, the backstory that is added in the film was not. So the whole "what is Gandalf doing when not with the company" wasn't written until much later, but they added it to the movie anyway. That's what I wanted to say.

The Great Goblin was great :D I don't really know the actor (but then I knew hardly any of the actors), but he did a wonderful job.
9  Organization and General Discussions / Non-Santharian Stuff: Life, the Universe & Everything / Re: The Hobbit Movie- What did you think? on: 27 December 2012, 19:13:39
I loved it :) I saw the 3D 48 FPS version, and it was the first time I was really, REALLY impressed by the 3D - before this, I was always a bit Meh about the whole 3D hype, but this time I loved it, it was so clear and crisp and nice. No disrespect meant for your opinion, Seeker, but I really don't see the whole 'homevideo' comment that I hear so many people making.

Regarding the story: At least for this first part, they stayed quite close to the book, with some minor changes, and they added some backstory that is missing from the book (mostly because Tolkien didn't write it until after LotR). I can't wait until next year to see the next part. Martin Freeman is a wonderful Bilbo. The only thing is that only a couple of dwarves really stand out, and the rest only kind of tags along - which is a problem in the book as well, lets be honest :)

I liked how not all the dwarves looked and acted the same - i.e. axe-wielding and talking with a scottish accent, they really did their best to make them different from each other.

So yeah, basically... I really liked it :D

Dek: If your expectations are low to begin with, you're probably taking the right decision in not going to see it. As far as I saw, anyone I know who went in with low expectations came out thinking even worse of it. I went in without any expectations so I was free to be impressed ;)
10  Organization and General Discussions / Non-Santharian Stuff: Life, the Universe & Everything / Re: Merry Christmas ... on: 25 December 2012, 17:18:41
Merry christmast everyone! Nice lazy morning today, later on we're going to the in-laws, tomorrow to my own parents... yes, family time indeed!
11  Santharian World Development / Santharian Artists Workshop and Resources / Re: Cabin in the woods pic on: 20 December 2012, 16:12:44
Very nice picture once again, Seeker!

One small thing I'd like to point out is that (on my screen at least) it looks like the cabin's on fire... I'm sure that's not what you intended though ;)
12  Santharian World Development / The Santharian Library / Re: Touch of Eternity (Part 3/5) on: 20 December 2012, 01:19:36

"It's... it's..." My eyes were still busy taking it all in.You're fond of being busy, aren't you ;) Not really a problem here, but my suggestion would be "My eyes were having trouble taking it all in" "It's a whole town..." I finally shouted as I noticed further man made structures in the background. I looked left and right, and there were buildings everywhere. A market place, an inn, a small turret... Then darkness again, several long moments... Only to be followed once more by repeated flashes of lightning. With them the outlines of a whole city you already said it was a town, so no need for the indefinite article. Suggestion: "the whole outline of the city". Also, this lightning is behaving rather bizarrely, isn't it :) came into view, strike by strike... There! I saw a rider entering the main gate, guards walking on the battlements with torches ablaze, a carriage was travelling over a hill to the east that clearly I'm not sure how something can 'clearly' NOT be somewhere. Suggestion: "that I was sure hadn't been there" hadn't been there before... Don't overuse the ellipses. I count 7 just in this paragraph. Moment for moment this intangible sight was revealed to us only to be buried covered? again and again by night. Wherever it came from, whatever it represented, illusion or reality, dream or vision, my eyes were awestruck again and again and just couldn't let go of what presented itself to them. My heart raced wildly, spurred by the irregular pulse of the storm and its unlikely revelations.

Until that loud, violent, bloodcurdling bang.

The bang that brought rain, lightning and the darkness that had engulfed us to an instant end. Split sentence. Suggestion: The bang that brought an abrupt end to rain, lightning (etc)"It was as if a titan had? hit a skywide drum, with the echo reverberating throughout the swamp, sending jittering waves over the thick greenish-brown waters. The sound's force was so enormous so that we had to hold on to our tiny boat, only barely escaping a wet fate.

But then, within the blink of an eye, when the bang had trailed off, it was all over. Everything fell silent. The turbulence that had gripped the world around us had come to a standstill.

It's a bang. I'm having trouble imagining how it would 'trail off'.

We found ourselves sitting in the boat, drifting somewhere in the middle of the notorious Aeyshwyn's Mire - two adventurers, first teased, then surprised, shocked and confused by circumstances they failed to understand. It was as if everything had come apart at the seams, but only as long as to be able to marvel at it and question our perception. Looking out over the waters again now everything was pretty much the same as before. The swamp was steamy, muddy, uninviting as ever. The sky had turned back to grey and wafts of mist began to retake their territory by moving across the bog. And right ahead was that small island Albricht just had had just pointed at: A fallen giant redwood lay in front of it, but there was no sign of a palace anymore, no streets, no flags, no hills and carriage, and least of all a whole town. Suggestion: "but there was no sign of a palace anymore, no streets, flags, hills or carriages, and most certainly no town.

Part II

I looked at Albricht and Albricht looked at me.

"What do you make of it?" I inquired.

"I don't know," Albricht said. "But we've come to find out, didn't we?" Either: "we came to find out, didn't we" or "we've come to find out, haven't we" His eyes glowed with expectation.

I was quiet for a moment, thinking about the phenomenons, then my thoughts drifted off to the stranger we had seen before. He probably had made it even further into the swamp, who knows? But it looked like he was forced to turn around and get away as fast as he could. "Leave this place!" I heard his warning still ringing in my ears. In the face of what we had witnessed, his words sounded more and more sounded like a deadly threat. But I said nothing. Maybe it was because the sound of Albricht's oar dipping into the water had already broken the silence. An instance A moment later we both continued rowing towards our inevitable It's not really inevitable, though, is it? You could just turn around and go back home. Perhaps: "towards whatever lay ahead." fate. "Leave this place..." My mind however wouldn't let it go.

We didn't row for long. At some point the swamp as we used to know it came to a sudden end. You've only just entered the swamp that day for the first time, I don't think "know" is the right word here. I'd just leave out the whole "as we used to know it". Or so it seemed, as either we had come across a huge isle, or somehow we had completely crossed the whole mire, which however was highly unlikely.Suggestion: "which was highly unlikely, to say the least". But as a matter of fact a An entire strip of land lay just ahead of us, with a clearly visible path that led up to a hill climbing high above the haze that covered ground and water. Believe it or not, there was even a makeshift dock at the water's edge right there, awaiting us. Even though I wondered who might have put it there and how long ago such a thing had happened, the fact that it was there was good enough to make us steer towards it.

It was then that I had another sensation I couldn't explain. You know, for a moment it was as if I saw a boat moored already on that dock, I was very sure about it. But when we got there it clearly wasn't. Suggestion: But when we got there, nothing could be seen." See, I put the blame on the fog and the tricks it keeps playing to the eye, and when I kept doubting that it was the fog I said to myself that it was my no less no less than what? clouded state of mind that made me see things. Anyway, Albricht was bent on climbing that hill and see what was on the other side and we didn't lose time. I just wordlessly packed my things as Albricht did and we continued on foot, following the path that lay ahead.

When we arrived at the top of the hill the evening sun had already begun to descend behind our backs, and while we had kept the mist behind, greyness now had utterly reconquered the sky. High grasses and bushes were swaying in the wind on the way up, and the occasional trees on our wayside turned into a whole forest the higher we got. But once on top, there was no view to enjoy as we had hoped, rather the trail wound through dense thicket with no apparent end in sight, and the further we got, the more darkness took over. Along with it came disillusion and weariness. We travelled on for a while, but eventually we stopped and decided to rest in order to continue in the morning fresh and renewed. A campfire was quickly put together, our rations plundered. Then we both succumbed to our exhaustion, too tired to even think about all that what had transpired during this eventful day.

"Myrem! Get up! Myrem!"

When I opened my eyes it was still pitch-black around me, only the campfire was ablaze spreading warmth. I recognized Albricht shaking me vehemently, eventually completely tearing me out of my sleep. His tone was urgent and demanding.

I quickly grabbed my dagger I had hidden under my hat close by. A moment later I was on my knees, ready to strike.

But Albricht just tried to keep me quiet. "Hush..." he commanded. "Don't move." He pushed me away a bit from the fire, then motioned towards something in the distance. "Look! Do you see it?"

My eyes still only slowly adjusted to the darkness, but luckily the night had a full moon, which shed some light on our surroundings.

Indeed, there was something: Another light source was right ahead. Are you still in the thicket you mentioned? Might be worth mentioning that a view of the light source is not only obstructed by the night, but also by trees. It was difficult to judge in the cover of the night, but it appeared to be no less than a hundred peds away. It was no wisp, of that I was sure about either "of that I was sure" or "that I was sure about" immediately, as it was no orb and didn't move around, it looked more like...

"A campfire!" Albricht said. "Someone's out there."

I nodded. The same thing had come to my mind as well.

"What do we do now?"

"Who knows who it is..." Albricht said. "They might be bandits, or treasure hunters like ourselves, and not keen on having company at all. We better be careful."

"What if..." I began, but then something happened that made me stop.

The spot at which we had been staring at, the camp fire - at least that's what we guessed it to be - suddenly vanished. Night took over again, barely illuminated by the moonshine from above.

"Quick, quick... We have to put ours out. Come, toss some earth over it!" Albricht said. He dug with his hands in the dirt and covered the still glowing logs with it. I joined in and soon we had our fire entirely buried. Only the moonlight from above remained as the only light source.

"You think they have seen us? Have they covered their fire as well?" I asked. "Maybe they did it because they've seen ours?"

"I don't know. How would I?" I couldn't see Albricht's expression, but the tone in his voice confirmed that he was as worried as I.

We kept quiet for a while, listening intently. I noticed how Albricht's breath became heavier. Then we heard something in the distance, maybe people moving.

"That's them... We have to assume they saw us," Albricht whispered and I heard him rummaging in his backpack - clearly he was also looking for a weapon to confront possible attackers. Once he had found one, he ordered me to grab our stuff. "We need to move away from here... They might be heading towards us right now."

Sweat dripped from my brow as we left the campfire as quietly as we possibly could. While it was difficult to move in the darkness, we were also cloaked by it. We managed somehow to get quite a bit away from our starting point, but I wasn't too sure whether we actually moved away from our possible opponents or even involuntarily got closer.

"By the Twelve!" Albricht suddenly exclaimed.

"Hush!" I countered him instantly, You can't counter someone :) no problem to just delete the 'him' fearing we might have been heard by the others. But then I realized what had made Albricht stop. Or let's say: Albricht grabbed me, threw me to the ground, kept me from making another step. As at the very moment I tumbled and fell I became aware of it:

Again, the order in which things happen seems a bit strange. It reads like: Exclamation - hush - realisation - tackle, whereas I would expect Exclamation / tackle at approximately the same time, then the hushing, and then the realisation. Suggestion: "...Albricht suddenly exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me back. My instinct was to hush him, fearing the others might have overheard, but then I realised what he had seen."

Or something in that vein, it's your story ;)

Right in front of us, as if arisen out of nowhere, a gigantic canyon opened its maw into nothingness, and every further step would have been our sure demise. A canyon goes down, so 'arisen' is not really a good word here. "appearing" perhaps?

We lay there for a few moments unmovingly on what we now knew was a precipice. Wild thoughts were racing through my head. I was worried that we might have been heard when we hit the ground and that our pursuers drew closer now, weapons drawn, a clear goal in mind - and that we had no way nowhere to go.

"Where are they?" I whispered to Albricht. "Where should we head now?"

"They must be on the other side," Albricht answered calmly. What other side? Of the canyon? How does that work? Was the canyon between you guys and the campfire you first saw? If that's the case, why would Myrem be concerned they might be sneaking up from behind? (at least that is how I interpret his concern)

"You sure?"

He motioned me to follow him, and we kept moving on our knees carefully along the edge of the precipice, step by step in the half-dark, until we made a startling discovery: No less than a few peds away from us a rope bridge led over the canyon. It was quite an unsteady affair as far as we could make out. The creaking and groaning of the ropes holding the boards was clearly audible when the wind shook the whole construction, but otherwise the bridge seemed to be intact.

But that not enough missing a verb, my heartbeat missed a beat when we made another observation: Something flared up out of nowhere, a source of light. It was way ahead of us, then it was replaced by flickering. Clearly the newly created light was now slowly beginning to move towards us.

"They've lit a torch!" I exclaimed, there was no doubt about that.

"Yes..." Albricht agreed. "And they are on the other side of that bridge. If they try to come across we'll be waiting for them right here. We have the advantage now, Myrem! Quick, we have to move..."

We brought us in position at the end of the bridge and watched things proceed, hiding behind the bushes with bated breath.

Yes, someone had indeed entered the bridge! "entered" doesn't seem right with a bridge... Stepped onto maybe? Its creaking and groaning became more intense, the flickering of the torch that at first had seemed to be still quite a distance away, drew nearer and nearer. I gripped the dagger in my hand even tighter and bit my lip in tense anticipation. I was sure that I could already smell the burning resin of the torch. Only a few moments until we would confront them...

Part III

A flash, a yell, a fierce gust of wind.

Lightning ripped the night. It came out of nowhere, its fine illuminated cracks spreading like veins from one end of the sky to the other. For a moment everything was bathed in white again: the precipice, the rope bridge, figures in the middle of it, the (you hadn't introduced any ruins before, so no definite article) gigantic ruins on the other side... Yes, there were ruins that emerged out of the night on the other side of the canyon, several long fingers of broken walls reaching out against the elements in a stance of defiance...

But it was over already once the flash faded. As sudden as it had appeared, as sudden it was all gone. Peace and quiet settled, only the creaking and groaning of the bridge still kept us company. The first and second sentences basically say the say thing. Suggestion: But it was all over once the flash faded, gone as suddenly as it had appeared.

There was no light in sight to be seen?anymore though coming from the bridge.

"The wind must have blown out their torches!" I suggested.

But we waited and waited, and no torch was being rekindled. The silence, only disturbed by the howling of the wind and the sound of the bridge, turned eerier.

"I'm going," Albricht suddenly said resolutely, grabbed his backpack and pulled a torch from it.

"But... They will see you!" I objected stubbornly.

"There's nobody there anymore," Albricht answered. "Let's face it. They must have fallen off the bridge." The howling of the wind, a song of death...

"You can't be sure! And what if it is true... If you cross the bridge the same might happen to you! Who knows whether it's safe at all!"

"Then let's see," Albricht said and entered the bridge without further ado.

"You're mad!" I shouted, but he went anyway.

At first I watched Albricht and his flickering torch depart with unease. Apparently the bridge was robust enough to support him and allowed to proceed fast. But the further he progressed the more I found myself in the dark when his torch moved further and further away.

"Don't tarry, coward! Come!" I heard Albricht's command. He had turned around and waited on me now to catch up.

Frankly, I didn't have much choice. It was too late to make my own decisions now. You don't have a torch of your own to light? So I reluctantly obeyed and followed his example climbing onto the rope bridge.

There was really nothing to it, I thought. While the bridge only offered room for one, I could easily hold on to the ropes on either side which formed a railing, and the ropes were tight and strong. I felt confident. The logs below held our weight with ease and while the wind shook the construction, it wasn't enough to really bother me. And maybe, just maybe, it helped that the night kept us us from seeing down the whole depth of the canyon. Thus we just kept on moving, step by step. A silent prayer was on my lips nevertheless. Soon I had caught up with Albricht.

"See? Nobody there anymore!" Albricht said as we were halfway through. The torchlight showed that the rest of the bridge was clear. I breathed a sigh of relief, but only to be violently interrupted...

A sudden gust of wind knocked me off my feet. Caught unaware I tumbled and fell.

"Albricht!!" I screamed in deadly terror, grabbed whatever rope of the bridge I could hold onto. I hit the logs hard, but quickly pulled myself up.

"I told you!" I yelled against the wind. "I told you!" But the wind swallowed my words so that not even I could hear them.

There was another lightning, a flash that brought the gigantic ruins up ahead back from nothingness into plain view. The silhouettes of the broken building appeared closer than ever before. The closer they appeared, the more menacing they got became: The stone structure which had looked like fingers reaching out before seemed to turn into a claw now. A claw that beckoned us.

Our torch had gone out. Darkness engulfed us, but the wind had ceased.

"Stay calm!" I heard Albricht's voice. Thanks to the Twelve he was still there. Judging by the sounds he was busy again with his backpack. A moment later he had managed to light the torch anew.

"Quick!" he shouted and pushed ahead. I followed as fast as I could.

And that was it. We reached the end of the bridge without further incident. We both dropped into the grass instantly, breathing rapidly, overwhelmed by the pure joy that we had made it. The sky stayed dark and the wind was nothing more than a breeze now, just like before. But the fact that we might have barely escaped with our lives was soon forgotten. There was a simple reason for that.

"Did you see the tower?" Albricht asked excitedly.

Yes, a tower. That's what I must have seen, I was sure of it now. I nodded. And at the same time goosebumps spread all over my body in anticipation of what we might find there.

"This is not an illusion like those other things, it's right there!"

"Yes, I see..." My eyes were following Albricht's swaying of his torch. It revealed remnants of columns to our left and right and barely recognizable overgrown stairs just a few steps away leading up. Not too far away in the distance I could make out a column that was still standing, clearly as part of an entire wall, supporting a partly ruined structure: Yes, the tower! Did I interpret it correctly that it is still night at this point? Why not set up camp again and examine the spooky ruins in daylight?

"Indeed... We've arrived!" Albricht said, putting into words what we both sensed. We both felt elated - we've reached the end of our journey...

Albricht got up first. Torch in hand he moved straight on towards the ruins, and I followed.

Something felt strange, though. The broken columns we found lying around us, some of them were still standing, didn't seem to follow a certain pattern. This is a strange sentence... Suggestion: Some of the columns were still standing, but the broken ones that were lying around us (etc)" Also, at first I misinterpreted this sentence - fallen down pillars wouldn't follow a pattern, would they? If they just fell down because of age, one would fall left, the other right, etc. I think what you mean to say is that they wouldn't follow a set pattern if they were still standing? Rather they lay haphazardly here and there, dispersed, as if thrown in all directions due to by a force that once caused them to scatter. Huge pieces of the tower's once proud battlements now formed block-shaped grassy hills, quite a bit away from the main structure itself. When we approached the tower we saw that even the walls had large, irregular holes in them. Some of the walls looked literally torn apart.

When we reached what was left of the tower there were no stairs to be found, no portal anymore, no rooms left inside. There was only rubble surrounding the building's perimeter and parts of still erect walls pointing skywards. After a climb over a pile of debris we could at least see what was there, waiting for us within the former tower's broken walls...

At the center of the tower's ring - the moonlight shone on it idyllicaly - seven throne-like stone chairs were placed in a semi-circle. They were facing us like monuments of times past, surrounded by a couple of cold braziers. The area around the center was empty for some reason, entirely untouched by the destruction.

Albricht didn't hesitate an instant. "Let's go down there!" he shouted and slid down the rubble on the other side.

I for my part looked for a safer passage to descend the debris. As I did, I caught something out of the corner of my eye: a glimmer, an unusual sparkle. Curious and in hopes that I might have discovered something of value hidden there between pieces of rubble I stopped stopped or stooped? Both are possible :) and tried to uncovered it.

But I soon ceased my efforts as I found myself looking at my own reflection. It was just a broken mirror. Nothing unusual to find among these ruins, or so I thought, but as I wanted to move on, the figure in the piece of mirror suddenly stirred. Then so did I. I startled in shock started? You can startle someone else, but you can't say "I startled" as if I'd seen a ghost, tripped, lost my balance and fell backwards.

Then everything changed. There was a roaring thunder, the earth trembled, a blinding light. The startling frequency of these flashes might be noteworthy to the narrator, I'd say

When I looked up I was lying next to Albricht's feet. Everything around me was brightly illuminated and I smelled oil and incense burning. I realized that all the braziers had been lit as if by magic, and they threw their light on the stone chairs next to them.

"Dust yourself off, and be polite, Myrem!" I heard Albricht say as he extended a hand to me so that I could up. "We've got company!" He was grinning over his whole face.

I looked around to see what he meant, but there was nobody there. And then I finally realized and I was overcome by a hair-raising unease:

A skeleton was sitting in the stone chair next to me, another one in the adjacent one, and so on all the way through. Each of the seven chairs in front of me was occupied with fleshless bones, some of them held their skulls in mockery on their hands or struck poses, as if they were macabre string puppets and someone had had some fun with them.

Albricht laughed out aloud. "Looks like the place has some magic tricks to offer... But nothing to fear from those here! After all they're dead as stone..." he declared. "But this one... This one got something on it..."

He approached the skeleton on the central chair and pointed at a large ring around one of his bone fingers.

"Excuse me, but I'll have to relieve you of this one..." Albricht said and pulled the ring from the bone. "You know, this is just what a treasure hunter needs in order to gain fame and glory!"

"Indeed it is... visitor!"

A deep, hollow, bone-chilling voice suddenly crept out of nowhere, and it rang loud and menacingly through the remains of the fallen tower. It echoed again and again, and with it the earth began to tremble and the sky to rumble.

The skeleton's bony arm suddenly darted out and seized Albricht's wrist with a firm grip - and then the dead bones began to transform...

[To be continued...]

Phew! That took some time... :) Very nice story though, I'm curious to see what will happen next, and how this puzzle will fit together.
13  Santharian World Development / The Santharian Library / Re: Touch of Eternity (Part 3/5) on: 19 December 2012, 04:28:12
At some point in the distance we then began to see wisps dancing. Wisps, you know, those gently floating orbs of light nobody has ever been able to explain. Does anyone talk like this? Perhaps: You know wisps those floating balls of light. But they are harmless beings as far as is known as far as I know, well, and they gathered around us, swirling and twirling to and fro. First they appeared right ahead, then they suddenly showed up behind us and finally on all sides, as if they were forming a circle. Maybe they were laying out building? a trap I thought, and I contemplated whether a sword might have any effect on magical beings like those. You know, just in case they were in fact of evil nature, despite all the common belief that tells us otherwise. What are the Erpheronians thinking, I mused: How can steel ever beat magic? I don't understand this sentence. For a moment I thought I was in the wrong place. Or this one. Then again, maybe the wisps just preferred wanted? to watch us. After all they didn't get closer and stayed where they were, adding merely a solumn touch to our ongoing procession process? progress? I don't think procession is the correct word here. into no man's land. If that were all, so be it. all, I could live with that.?

The heavy rain came suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly. We were still too much immersed in taking in the astonishingly outlandish scenery astounding sight? It's dark, so I'd imagine you don't really see a lot of the scenery, so that the loud rolling thunder brutally jolted us out of our quiet fascination. It didn't last long Before long?until we were soaking wet. From time to time flashes of lightning bathed the swamp in blinding white for an instance, then the storm plunged us back into utter darkness again. Albricht and I were busy for a while to get accustomed to the situation, but there was really nothing we could do, except pulling our hats over the ears - well, and hoping that the worst would soon be over. How does getting used to pouring rain keep you 'busy'? perhaps you "needed a while"?

You might want to play with the order of things a bit in this paragraph. First you talk about rain, then thunder which surprises you, then rain again. It sounds as if you didn't really notice the rain until it started thundering, which would seem a bit odd - I'd imagine pouring rain would be hard to ignore.

However, more than just the weather had changed. There was something different about the circling wisps far off. When lightning struck and a flash painted everything in bright light the wisps seemed to disappear completely for a few moments - but once darkness reigned again they were very much alive, circling, swirling and twirling as if nothing had happened. Another flash of light, another one - and the same thing happened over and over again. I still starred at the wisps when I felt Albricht's elbow hit my side.

"There... Can you see it?" he suddenly whispered and pointed somewhere into the darkness. I followed his finger with my eyes, assuming he spoke about the weirdly behaving wisps as well, but all I could make out was a small island with a couple of trees. In front of it lay a giant redwood, brought down by the elements, halfway submerged by the swamp waters. It didn't strike me as anything special, so I shrugged it off at first, and looked questioningly back at Albricht. But then lightning flashed our surroundings again.

And I saw it: For the blink of an eye a building was there right in front of us. No, not just a building, it was a whole palace! More than a dozen of bulbous spires were towering above the swamp, a huge gate was clearly visible in the center of a massive wall, lots of banners blowing in the wind hanging from the windows. And the redwood in front of it at which I had just looked... was gone!

Pay attention to the order in which things happen again - if you are looking at Albricht, you're probably not looking at the island, so you wouldn't see the palace in the flash lightning, which usually only lasts for a second or so (if that - if they take longer it might be useful to note this in your story). Perhaps you almost look back at Albricht, or you want to look back, when the flash hits?

I was taken aback from by the unexpected sight and nearly caused our boat to capsize when I lost my grip. What were you holding that losing your grip in it causes the boat to rock?


A couple more paragraphs, more to follow :) Please take my comments as suggestions only :)
14  Santharian World Development / The Santharian Library / Re: Touch of Eternity (Part 3/5) on: 18 December 2012, 23:30:01
Reading this, constructing a post at the same time so I don't miss things the moment I spot them (as I usually do when I wait with the post until after the read-through)

Part I:
Only that: Then it all began - that, what never should have.
This sentence doesn't really make a lot of sense - I think I understand what you are trying to say, but it's not easy :)
Perhaps: Only that all began then, which should not have happened at all.
Though of course I'm not native English either so that might not be a lot clearer...

While it was approaching, it was still quite a distance away, but eventually I thought that I could make out two people sitting in it, rowing with full force in the direction we've been coming from. Other treasure hunters maybe, I thought by myself, but whether they had been successful or not, they were clearly in a hurry to get out. Yet it appeared that they didn't notice us at all, or didn't want to notice us, going straight passed!
Your story is in the past, so "the direction we had been coming from", not we have. Also, to make it entirely clear what you mean, I'd add "back in the direction", at first I interpreted it as though the second boat followed the same course as the first one, rather than exactly opposite.
Also, "I thought to myself" , not by myself
Also, "past", not passed

And that was the point when Albricht and I looked at each other bewildered due to the strangeness of the whole situation.
"each other, bewildered by" I don't feel that the person telling this story would really use a construction such as "due to", especially in the midst of the telling.

(Note: I'm switching tactics, I'm taking this one paragraph at a time now. I hope you don't mind my nitpicking, I'm really just trying to help!)

"Ho, travellers!" I shouted out aloud, quit rowing and waved with my hat. I couldn't help it and needed to get it off my chest: "Where are you going? What are you running from?" But already at the very moment I finished, I saw that there was actually only a single person sitting in the boat when it emerged from a waft of mist. The man was rowing incessantly and at first didn't bother to look over to us.

Shouting something is, by definition, aloud. Also, the second part seems a bit tacked on... Either make that into a separate sentence or really integrate it into the first, such as "stopping my rowing and waving my hat."
The second sentence seems sort of... odd. Try to avoid redundancy, I'd say. You're sitting in a boat in a spooky area, by all accounts haunted, and you see people fleeing the scene... Of course you want to know what's going on, that's quite a logical question, so there's no need to tell the readers that you wanted to know this. There's no problem with just deleting the whole first part and just continuing to speak after waving your hat.
"didn't bother" seems too nonchalant for the situation. I'd say "and at first did not even look over at us".

Finally there was a reaction on the other side: "Turn around, I beg you!" the shout came back. But there was no slow-down of oar strokes to perceive. The stranger's voice was clearly trembling. It sounded scared and insecure, but the message it bore left no doubts. "Turn around before it's too late!" it repeated. But within moments the passing boat was engulfed again by mist and with its disappearance the last spoken words slowly drowned in the distance: "Turn around! Leave this place..."

Is there a "side" to things here? I'd say "a reaction from the other boat" (not on).
"came back, though there..." "to be perceived"

Only the two of us remained, mouth agape. I found myself still hunched over the side of the boat, eyes fixed on the spot in the haze where that fleeting apparition had just gone by and from where soon afterwards not another sound could be heard. As if the cryptic stranger had never been there in the first place. I turned around and looked at my companion with questions all over my face.
I wouldn't say "soon afterwards". From how I interpet it, no sounds can be heard at this moment already, right? So no problem with "from where not another sound"

But Albricht was just sitting there, shrugged and kept on rowing silently. And after a while I gave up as well, put my hat back on my head and I joined in. In a way I think, the warning of the stranger had quite the opposite effect on us than he intended: It only strengthened our resolve to continue on, and so we did. It's odd, but true, now that I think of it, and my hair stands on end when I do.
The first sentence doesn't really know what it wants to say. Is Albricht sitting or rowing? "just sitting there" implies a static moment, "rowing" implies movement. My suggestion: "But Albricht just sat there for a moment longer, then shrugged and went on rowing."
Second sentence: no need for the "and".
"opposite effect from the one he intended"

However, this encounter wouldn't remain the only mystery we experienced when we got closer to the center of the swamp. The further we travelled, the eerier the place became. In the middle of the day a greyness, followed by a twilight, then a dreary darkness quickly descended upon us. The air was still hot and humid, but in a way everything was filled with a mix of otherwordly aura that slowly bled through the despair and hopelessness of the swamp. The darker it got, the more the water seemed to glitter and gleam bizarrely, almost as if we were moving through a dream, and sometimes I imagined that I might awake every moment. But I didn't. The wafts of mist got thicker and thicker, to a degree that we had difficulties to manoeuvre. There was always a fear that we might hit land or driftwood and make acquaintance with the mud first hand.
Suggestion: "encounter was not the only ... as we got"
At the end there, you make it sound almost as if the mist is solid, I don't think that's what you're trying to convey. Suggestion: The wafts of mist got thicker and thicker, slowing us down considerably. There was always the fear..."

**Reading on now, will continue this evening if you still want me to :)**
15  Santharian World Development / The Santharian Bestiary / Re: The Windrunner on: 08 November 2012, 21:08:09
Ooooh... I know you're still working on this but I'd just like to say that I really like the idea, and now might have to use it for a character on the RP boards.
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 59
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfxgfx gfxgfx