I have changed bath to bathe, but I like the effect added to this poem by lines 2 and 4 in stanza 2. If you really think re-wording is necessary, I'd like an example if you could. Thanks for taking the time to look this little guy over.
Deci, I do wonder how you manage to contribute so much. It seems there's never a time when one can't find a new Deci written post. If you keep this up Nybelmar will be the most developed area in all of Caelereth. YOU KNOW YOUR MAKING LESS PRODUCTIVE DEVELOPERS SUCH AS MYSELF LOOK REALLY BAD!!!! But, we sure can't complain about the quality of your work. Another great entry here.
Deci, Should i replace 'do' with 'so'? The line does need siix syllables, so I can't just take 'do' out. Maybe a complete rewording would be better. What do you think?
I haven't written poetry since I was a child in grade school (Maybe a little attempt here or there, but nothing serious), but I figured there is no better place than here to begins such quests. I have written here a very simple attempt at a poem with a meter of slack, stress; slack, stress; slack, stress....... I did not attempt to create any running rhythm, and so you'll find that my lines do not display any kind of continual connection between the rhythmical and metrical stresses. I would like critique on this poem as if you approached it as a foot-verse attempt. I know that this is very rough and elementry, but starting simple is the best way to learn in my opinion. Feel free to be absolutely honest as you criticise this poem, as it will certainly need a lot of change before it is compendium worthy.
Contamar the Great
Oh how the ice, it is so grand; So high the canopy; The mighty roots stab at the sand; The Contamar's great tree,
A song in the wind, crystal grass; With stalks so luminous, They shine clear like a royal glass; Whistling a tune, gorgeous.
Warm and healing their waters are; All creatures bathe in glee; For this water they travel far; A warm bath, under tree.
Oh, how great art thou Contamar; A land of ice and song, And your acclaim is heard afar; For your grace I do long.
My god, what a story! I couldn't help but to capitulate to the torrent of excitement that was boiling from the words of this story. I has hoped to read it critically in order to help it achieve blarrowableness, but as I said, I was forced into succumbing to the energy of the story. In my heightened state of excitement, I was only able to find one potential mistake: " I had remembered our Sister Superior told us that our Blood Magic could allow us to do amazing things, claiming that the founder, Kashina Scaralus, took three wounds in the heart and two in the skull and still managed to route a detatchment of invaders before circumming to death." I think that you meant to say, "before succumbing (rather than circumming) to death." Well done.
I can't wait to see where this one goes. Some of the grammar so far is a little rough, but that's to be expected in an unfinished and preliminary version of the entry. I really enjoy how the forest seems to come alive as both haunting and beautiful. This strange mixture makes for a great and original entry. I'll be sure to give it a Uri when you're all done.
With the help of the neighborhood orc, I've come up with these ones. (It was more the other way around as you'll soon see)
Saying: "A Warg's getten it's claws in't heart o' that 'un" Translation: "A Warg is getting it's claws into the heart of that one" Meaning: An outside source, usually another person is using their influence to harden the heart of the subject Source: Tharoc (Who else?)
Saying: "That 'uns gorra Warg's claws fer 'eart" Translation: "That one has a Warg's claw for a heart." Meaning: The subject is a cold or cruel person. Source: Tharoc
Saying: "A Warg's claws' getten owd o' that 'uns 'eart" Translation: "A Warg's claw is getting a hold of that one's heart" Meaning: Something --whether it be lost love, or gained annomosity-- is driving the compasion out of the subject's heart. Source: Tharoc
Thank you Tharoc, Azhira, Alysse, and Arti for the comments of encouragement. I am truly happy to have finally been able to make a complete contribution to the beautiful world we have here.
@Arti, I'm not sure that I have any clue as to what I'm supposed to do as the Literature Club President, but I do know a thing or two about politicking if you know what I mean. On a serious note though, thanks for the congrats, and my recently found love for this place and its wonderful members won't allow me to stay away too long. (even if I do have to stay up until the wee hours of the night).
I have finally finished integrating Thorac's comments. Sorry, I haven't been around, but I've just recently been voted president of my schools literature club, and that along with 25 credits of school and a job has kept me quite busy. I'll try to do as much as i can here and there. I do hope I'm still welcome, even if I can't spend the amount of time here that I wish I could.
Well, heck, I was just hoping I had a couple more useful comments, but as allways the problems with your entry here are few and far between. I hope I was at least of a little help.
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On a serious note though, thanks for the congrats, and my recently found love for this place and its wonderful members won't allow me to stay away too long. (even if I do have to stay up until the wee hours of the night).
