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Author Topic: Jumpers - still being added.  (Read 2870 times)
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Vata Epona
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« on: 15 August 2006, 22:01:15 »

Hi, still working on this, but posting it so you can see what im doing and post comments if you think its helpfull :)

Cheers !

V.E.



Pan`ol`s commonly known as "Jumpers" are insects that jump from tall trees and collide with their prey (small birds), before gliding towards earth,  workers then drag it back to the nest. They are aprox 6 NB long, 3 NB wide and 2 NB thick. Main habitats are the Zeiphyrian Forests are forests with tall trees where they burrow an nest in an unfortunate tree wich is ruled by a Queen. Can be squeezed to death for sweet ichor.

Appearance
All the Pan`ol are build with an exoskeleton, with an exception for the Queens body, with is a flexible skinlike bag. Light brown to dark green are the dominant colors for the colony, only the Jumpers have the ability to change a part of them into a bright yellow.

Jumpers
The Jumpers are the warriors of the colony. With the size of aprox 6 NB long, 3 NB wide and 2 NB thick, 6 legs with flexible skin between hindlegs (left two and right two), they are the biggest of the colony, Jumpers are sleek, fast and deadly for small birds. Their head is hard as a rock wich they use to smack a victim with, they also are the only part of the hive that has wings a standard green but can change to a bright yellow, wich are used to glide towards earth with, and wen yellow, serves a duel purpose for signaling the workers that a kill has bin made and they should collect it.
Their only function is climbing trees to extreem heights, jumping down from a branch using the flexible skin between their hindlegs to navigate towards any prey close enough to smack into and killing it on impact. Wen about 10 peds from the ground they open their colorful wings and glide towards the earth before locating another tree and starting the climb again.

Workers
The Workers are the backbone of the colony. With the size of aprox 4 NB long, 4 NB wide and 1 NB thick, 8 stubby legs and huge pinchers, they look strange wen moving around on the ground, but do not under estimate their strenght for these small critters can carry upto two and a half OD on their round flat back, and have bin known to bite the occasional curious human.
Tenacious little critters that will scuttle around the forest untill they see a yellow signal from a Jumper, rush towards the dropzone, once there, locate the prey and while forcing themselves under the body using their pinchers to drag the prey onto their backs and labouring back home where they deliver the food into the foodstore before scuttling back into the forest again.

Maids
The Maids are the helpers inside the hive. With the size of aprox 2 NB long, 1 NB wide and 1 thick, 6 legs and delicate pinchers, they tend to the Queen her needs, bringing new eggs towards the hatchery, larve to the larve room and feeding Queen and newborn.

Queen
The Queen is the mother of all Pal`ol. A head aprox half a NB but with a blubbery body 4 NB round no legs,shes an ugly bugger, but that is down to the fact that her lower body has no exoskeleton but is made of the same flexible skin as the Jumpers have. The main drive in her life to eat and lay eggs, and generally like all Royalty, being tended to all her whims, like, bring me food and take that egg away. She may lay up to 10 eggs a day, 50 a week.

Special Abilities


Territory
Jumpers will be found in the bigger forests and sometimes in woods that are highly populated with birdlife. They can not stand cold, therefor they live in calmer climates.

Habitat/Behavior
 
Diet
Their main food sources are small birds, small mammals and the occasional "Dragonfly Lizard".

Myth

Usages

Anything else
« Last Edit: 17 August 2006, 04:25:10 by Vata Epona » Logged
Ralhag Silverskin
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« Reply #1 on: 15 August 2006, 22:18:35 »

Um, very interesting, but it seems that the colony is so organized that a lot of explanation and extrapolation will be needed to help us get it all understood.

The concept is great.  The writing could be cleaned up a bit, just some grammatical errors and sentences that are a bit jumbled, no big problem.

For examples:
Quote
Pan`ol`s commonly known as "Jumpers" are insects that jump from tall trees and collide with their prey (small birds), before gliding towards earth,  workers then drag it back to the nest.

We get the idea about this sentence, but the way it is written is kind of confusing.

I think that perhaps this is trying to tell the reader too much information in only a small sentence.  In Santharia, every entry is expanded to put all the information into it comfortably.  There is no restrictons on space.


Maybe do not use the word "bugger", :)  It's not a word for insect, but something completely different. 

The first sentence of every paragraph for Jumpers, Workers, Maids, and Queen all have a very similiar feel to them, maybe different words or different structure would make for an easier read.

These are a few things that I noticed on my first read, I'm sure other people can help you out too.

I really like the entry though, and so I am excited for the rest.

Ralhag
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Vata Epona
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« Reply #2 on: 15 August 2006, 22:24:25 »

thank you :) the grammar is a bit of a problem for me yea... but I`ll work on it. going to work now, but will spend yet another sleepless night behind the comp trying to sort out these bugs with all the tips people can give me :)

Cheers !

V.E.
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Vata Epona
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« Reply #3 on: 16 August 2006, 10:04:26 »

alrighty Relhag,

I really had a great intro for my new bugs, but I thought it was to long because of this,
Quote
  Basic Overview of the Beast
Do a short description on the beast, which can be placed on top of the entry and at the general overview page: What kind of beast (category) is it? How large is it approx.? Where does it live? What are it's most important features etc. When you read the overview you should know most important things about the beast, before you've even read the whole entry.
so I cut it out and wrote this one, if you guys think a longer one will be better to understand my little friends. no problem, I`ll write a longer one. :)
Is it really that bad.. :)
Hope not :)

Quote
Relhag

Pan`ol`s commonly known as "Jumpers" are insects that jump from tall trees and collide with their prey (small birds), before gliding towards earth,  workers then drag it back to the nest.

We get the idea about this sentence, but the way it is written is kind of confusing.

I think that perhaps this is trying to tell the reader too much information in only a small sentence.  In Santharia, every entry is expanded to put all the information into it comfortably. There is no restrictons on space.
It might be that I`m Dutch (althought there seem to be many more Dutch people here) but no matter how I turn the sentence, I cant seem to see whats wrong with it..
And as it is and Intoduction, isnt it mend to give alot of info in a few lines?
Please elaborate,
Help.

I`m not trying to win a game of rules here or something, but I just dont understand it, I mean, I love detail in books, adore it, but wen someone says a short description I`ll write a short one, is it to short ? An introduction is a small shiny object to chatch the readers attention and tell the reader to read more about the selected object, if he/she wishes to gain more information.

Arg! I dunno man, I really had this superb idea in my head about these bugs, but, (as you all will no doubt have had) its harder than I thought man :) I will my best to detail and elaborate my bugs, but I`ll need the help of you guys...



Yours,

Cheers !

V.E.



comments and ideas still welcomed, seeing I`m still a newbie and this is still my first project here :)
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Ralhag Silverskin
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« Reply #4 on: 16 August 2006, 13:52:21 »

Hye Vata,

Umm, you can post a "short" entry and still use a good number of sentences.

Pan'ols, otherwise known as Jumpers, are large insects that are found throughout Santharia and get their name from their unique hunting style.  In order to acquire the necessary number of small birds that are required to feed the colony, the insects climb to the tops of trees and leap out at birds that happen to fly by too close.  Once the Jumper gets a hold of the bird and dispatches it, the two organisms come crashing to the forest floor, where Worker Pan'ols are waiting to haul the dead bird back to the colony.  The bug is yak yak yak about the size.  The insect primarily inhabits the Zeiphyrian Forest, but can also be found in any well treed area that has a plentiful supply of birdlife.  The insect can also actually be squeezed to produce a small amount of edible, sweet, ichor.  P.S. What is ichor?  :)

Umm, that is a sample that I think might be easier to read and comprehend.

I am not a good writer, nor do I use the English language properly, this is all just my humble opinion.

Ralhag
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Vata Epona
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« Reply #5 on: 16 August 2006, 17:12:11 »

Hmm.. Wish I could use english like you :D
Fairs fair, that does sound ALOT better yea, I`ll see what I can do :)

Thanks mate,

Cheers,

V.E.
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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #6 on: 16 August 2006, 18:59:56 »

One small thing, Vata. Could you edit your first post and change the message icon to 'Dev status 1 - work in progress'? That way, everybody knows that things are still being added, and you don't have to put it in the subject line (although you're allowed to, obviously).
Also, when you think you're done, but up the second dev status, so that people know they're allowed to comment. Some people wait for that sign to begin commenting, you see :)

Irid

PS: I'm from Flanders :D. But as everybody should understand what you're saying, at least most of the time, I refrain as much as possible from speaking Dutch. You were right, there are quite some native dutch speakers here. Gean Firefeet is one, and Ishmaelion, and me, and I think I'm forgetting some of them. But this is all off-topic. Sorry ;)
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Irid al'Menie
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« Reply #7 on: 18 August 2006, 05:48:39 »

Hmm...you sure the ramming can work?  I can't really see it killing a bird on impact, and if they were as efficient as you seem to be implying, the birds of the forest where this insect (or whatever it is) is found would probably be extinct already.  If this is supposed to be a completely new type of insect (which seems to be the case; I know of no RL insects that sound like them), you should consider turning this into an overview for them, and coming up with several other species.  If this is meant to be a species of some existing type of insect, maybe make it clearer what it is supposed to be?  It sounds like it might be some type of termite, but then it'd be a really weird species of termite. 

You should also consider giving them some kind of defense against other smaller predators like spiders or ants.  The warrior caste you created could hunt, defintely, but currently, it seems to be quite defenceless compared to other social insects. 
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colossuem
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« Reply #8 on: 04 September 2006, 20:48:02 »

A the top where it tells the Apperance what does NB stand for huh
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Ralhag Silverskin
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« Reply #9 on: 05 September 2006, 00:33:00 »

Nailsbreadth, a Santharian Measurement.

Look up how big it is, and report back, as a test to see if you can look things up??

Ralhag
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colossuem
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« Reply #10 on: 05 September 2006, 05:22:21 »

I know what a nailsbredth is I just didn't get the part about NB I don't think abbreviations should be used
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #11 on: 05 September 2006, 05:35:20 »

I don't see what the problem of using abbreviations is. I mean, all the time people use them. For instance in. for inch, or bbl for be back later or brb for be right back.

But, I see your point. Perhaps somewhere there should be a place where we list commonly used abbreviations and say what they mean.
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