Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

ishmaelion

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Re: Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

« Reply #30 on: 06 March 2007, 08:06:40 »

haha, well, I definitely didn't make it before the update, but I am back online, and I'll work on this beautiful plant first thing tomorrow...


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Mi a welaf gwr
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ishmaelion

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Re: Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

« Reply #31 on: 07 March 2007, 07:12:37 »

People People, finaly I finished the poem! I hope it is more suitable now, I tried to follow the sublime and brilliant first stanza Bard Judith wrote, and although it does not have that singular touch of the master herself, I hope it suits...

and I'll post it here as well, so you don't have to take the trouble going back to the first page of this thread:

A myriad of colour
Informs the perfect shape;
A hundred blending hues to form
A lovely woven cape.

The beauty of the light,
It’s holding me in awe;
It is the thing I love the most;
Amazing what I saw.

As touched by holy rain,
The petals are so bright;
I can’t believe my eyes no more,
I’m crippled by its might.

Lost in that one view,
It blinds me past repair.
A ray of sun in darkening times,
This flower oh so fair.


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Mi a welaf gwr
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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

« Reply #32 on: 15 March 2007, 04:56:05 »

Well, it's a shame that noone has commented on Ishy's poem revision since it was posted a week or so ago.

Anyway. The poem looks very nice to me now, has good pace, meter seems ok as well as far as I can judge. I think it is really good, it doesn't have that simplicity of the first versions anymore, but looks much more elaborated and produces refreshing images. At least in my point of view.

Only thing which doesn't sound very medieval to me is the line "It blinds me past repair" as "repair" is not very poetic and does sound somewhat technical. Maybe something like "begone is woe, despair" (would fit to the next line with the "darkening times"). Just my observation/suggestion. Overall it's really cool

I hear the rest of the entry is already quite fine as well and pretty much approved, so let's hear some other voices on the poem, so that we can get this one finally up! thumbup


« Last Edit: 15 March 2007, 06:14:59 by Artimidor Federkiel »	Logged

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Takór Salenár

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Re: Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

« Reply #33 on: 15 March 2007, 06:10:06 »

Well, I did it wrong once - what do you expect???


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

« Reply #34 on: 17 March 2007, 18:01:33 »

Ok, I'll prepare this one then, Ishmaelion - what about the suggestion I made regarding that line, do you think it's better that way? If so, then that's the only adjustment I'd still make here.


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)

Miraran Tehuriden

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Re: Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

« Reply #35 on: 18 March 2007, 01:27:18 »

No herbological problems here.. i don't have a clue about poetry one way or the other, so if people think the poetry is good, get it on the site!


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Avrah Kehabhra

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ishmaelion

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Re: Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern

« Reply #36 on: 18 March 2007, 04:53:25 »

Great! I'll change the sentence, thought about it, and I think your addition would enhance the overall poem! Thanks for your attention, and as far as I'm concerned, let's get this baby on the site! thumbup


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Injèr'cál'merin (desertflower) or Lantern