The Wretched Elf

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[Letitia De Lockhart]

Okay I wrote this about a week ago in my franch lesson (that is probably why I only speak one language), I already posted it in the Role playing forum as my first charecter, Aroura.

This poem is of unknown origin, it was found in the latter part of the 1500’s in a small box hidden under a loose floor board in the Library of the Grey, Located within Nyermersys. It is said that the poem was written about the Eophyrhim dark elves around the time of the Sarvonian Wars, it is also said to be a possibility that the poem refers to Queprur, the goddess of death. Other than that it is a mystery to the meaning of these words. The parchment was quite damaged when found but luckily just about readable.

The Wretched Elf

Ears of the dagger point;
Eyes of the fire burn,
Lips of the ruby blood;
The wretched elf comes.

Cold of the frozen soul;
A mind of the sinister kind,
Hands of a killer be;
The wretched elf comes.

Skin brighter than white;
Hair darker than night,
Teeth yellow as rotten flesh;
The wretched elf comes.

Pain in the heart;
Loss of the mind,
Freezing of the lungs;
The wretched elf comes.

Body gone cold;
Soul gone to dust,
Death is to me;
As the wretched elf comes.

[Miraran Tehuriden]

Is this consistent with the Elven view on Death?

[Bard Judith]

Well, as long as it was written by a human, it doesn't matter.   It could be the viewpoint of a (prejudiced or fearful) human trying to anthropomorphize Death, in the figure of a frightening and mysterious elf  - just as we made Death an animated skeleton in a robe...
No one asked how skeletons felt about it...

[Letitia De Lockhart]

Okay, thank you for reading through my poem, what do you think, is it any good.

[Letitia De Lockhart]

Please tell me if there is something I have missed out that I am supposed to do so I can get comments or something. I know my work may not be brilliant but I suppose that is one reason why I am here to practise my writing and I would never know how to improve if no one ever told me, just like any normal human being.

[Bard Judith]

Letitia!  So sorry - I am the bard around here and as such should be looking at submitted poetry - however, I'm on vacation in tropical, rocky, lovely Chejudo (island off the coast of South Korea) for the next week and have intermittent internet access.     Please don't feel neglected - I think this is great and will comment in detail when I'm back from vacation. 

In the meantime, why don't you try reading some other submissions and leaving your own comments and critiques?  As you note, everyone appreciates some attention and has room for improvement....

Regards from the bard,
Judith

[Letitia De Lockhart]

Thank you very much for your comment and I hope you enjoy your holiday, it sounds lovely. Also I will have a look at and try to comment on some other peoples work, thanks again.

[Artimidor Federkiel]

Hmmm... So the "wretched elf" stands for "death" in general, is a personification, like"grim reaper". To me this is still a bit of a stretch given the fact how elves are in Santharia. Unless you make the connection to those elves that are considered evil - like the Dark Elves or the Shadow Elves. It would make more sense from my perspective to establish the link to the Dark Elves (the Eophyrhim), who stand for death and destruction as they have wreaked havoc during the Sarvonian Wars and killed many men. So this would explain why a human would write such a poem, seeing elves as the bad guys. Thought through the poem could be placed historically at a time of the Sarvonian Wars or shortly after that. Just a suggestion.

Incidentally characteristics you describe fit the Eophyrhim description, like the hair that is darker than night and their pallid skin.

The text itself is very well designed, getting bit by bit into the matter of the elf. It has a nice haunting line, a good pace, a direction and a conclusion. - With other words: I like it as it is, Letitia! - I would just suggest to alter that introductory story somewhat, but other than that it is a very nice poem

P.S. As you write so nice poems, Letitia, I've "awared" you with a golden forum portrait frame!

[Letitia De Lockhart]

Oh that is wonderful, thank you very much, I love the frame, and it is like my 2 day's early birthday present. So this poem was worth missing half an hour of my French lesson for.
I will look into the introduction and try to alter and hopefully improve it to the high standard required. And again thank you, not only for the frame but also for creating this wonderful warm and caring community of which although I am still quite new to I am already absolutly in love with.

[Letitia De Lockhart]

I have tried to change the introduction, is that any better. I have probably actually changed the whole direction of the poem now but I thought that could be easier in a way and possibly a bit more believable.

[Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels]

It is a good poem and I like it very much, but I would prefer another introduction. It is too long. Not that I really mind that you introduce your own person in your first submission (which we normally try to avoid), but as a mere outcome of bad dreams it is not as haunting as it could be. I would propose that it is old, its origin unknown and found its way only recently to Santharia. So a story can be told around it about a (Nybelmarian) young man who had a strange encounter - or anything you can think of. Or even more than one, alterations...

[Letitia De Lockhart]

Okay this is just getting quite confusing now, so you are saying that I should not say that Letitia wrote it but someone who never existed.
Or how about this, in the my character CD for Letitia in the role playing forum I have created a whole family tree, so what about if I was to say it was written by her great grandfather and was not found till decades after his death hidden in a small box somewhere within the grounds of their estate by Letitia. Her great grandfather on her father’s side was in the navy so he would have had a few adventures in his time.
Or should I just completely detach it from my character in every way.

[Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin]

I think (and when I do, I am USUALLY wrong) that what is being said about the intro, is that it sounds almost too much like an RP post.  On this side, distancing yourself from your characters on the RP side seems to work better.  The RP side is contemporary and fleeting, while here, we are creating things that are historic and static.  I know what I want to say, but I'm not sure it is coming across properly.  A poem important enough to be in the compendium (by important, I'm talking Santharian historically or culturally important, NOT how well you write, for you write very well) it has to have some significance to it.  Just like a modern day encyclopedia does not have every poem written by (insert modern day poet name here), but still has references to Shakespeare, Shelley, Byron, Platt, etc, so would the compendium be structured.

I hope A./ that this is clear and helps, and B./ that I have understood what was being conveyed.

If A./ or B./ fails, then ignore this post.

[Letitia De Lockhart]

Okay I understand what you mean, I will try and think of a introduction that in your words would make it more important, okay I knew this was not going to be easy but I think you have got me there, maybe I should have just stayed where my writing style works best, which as you say is the RP board, but I will still try to write a good introduction, I am not one to run out so easily on something that has already started and put all these comments to waste, never.

[Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin]

Hmmm...I knew I was going to say it wrong.

I was not trying to insult you or your style, which I think is good.  The work is fine, its the context of the work that needs to be revised.   You will do fine here, though I think trying to link stuff here to characters you have created on the RP side might limit your creativity somewhat.  And I KNOW you have a great imagination, because I was very impressed with your CD family tree.  Don't let my bumbling attempt at constructive critiques ruin your enthusiasm.

Trust me, I've had my fair share of critiques as well. ** looks humbly at Takor**

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