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Author Topic: The Curse of Tacunija  (Read 2957 times)
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Degas Zummatra
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« on: 27 June 2007, 11:45:39 »

The following poem is a tale of the events that led to Southern Sarvonia's Kyranian tribe becoming the Helcrani that exist today. The time period is approx. 800 b.S, during the Age of Blood. The piece is an artistic representation of the assasination of Tacunija, heir to the Goltherrhim regency, by Kyranian rouges. Upon Tacunija's death, he cursed the tribe of his killers (the Kyrainians) to an existince of turmoil and conflict. In response to this, the Kyranians became known as the Helcrani, or firedamned, in reference to the curse and the symbolic explosion of the volcano Heckra.

The Curse of Tacunija

On Heckra's slopes, a princeling elf
Of peaceful, loving kind
Had met demise unwarranted,
And left this world behind.

Life force drained
From body weak
By time cut short,
And rosy cheeks
Bereft of cheery hue;
And from pale lips
Was uttered forth
A curse that would ring true.

A curse of quarrel, strife, and feud
On all the ilk and kin
Of those who'd spilt his noble blood;
Thus sorrow did begin.

Three flames from Heckra sealed the pact,
And thrice would it return
To haunt the mournful Firedamned
In flames that ever burned.
« Last Edit: 22 July 2007, 02:36:31 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged
Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #1 on: 27 June 2007, 11:56:25 »

I have a computer incompatable with word. So, how then can I transmit this to our good webmaster?
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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« Reply #2 on: 27 June 2007, 14:59:57 »

He'll look at it eventually, so you don't need to transmit it. :)

This poem is brilliant! I love the rhythm of it, and it really flows and tells you a story. One tiny thing, it's spelt 'Princeling', and did you mean 'Of peaceful, loving kind', or 'Of peaceful, loving and kind?' It would be better if it was the first one, obviously, because the 'and' throws the verse off balance, and 'Of peaceful, loving, kind,' doesn't sound quite right grammatically.
« Last Edit: 27 June 2007, 15:07:06 by Alassiel Telrúnya » Logged

Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #3 on: 28 June 2007, 01:25:23 »

Yes I must agree with Alassiel on this, it is a very well writen poem that just flows really quit well and it sort of rolls off the tong, it is not a mouthful but in a way you could say it is easy, as in easy to read because it is so soft and rhythmic. It does seem to paint a bit of a quite distant picture in your mind which I think is good because for me it still has that little bit of mystery left behind. Over all I like it.

About the "Of peaceful, loving, kind", are you trying to say he is that sort of person who is very peaceful and loving, that is the way it comes across to me, if so that should be as was previously suggested, "Of peaceful, loving kind".
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"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #4 on: 28 June 2007, 02:35:52 »

Gotcha. Alterations have been made.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #5 on: 28 June 2007, 04:31:47 »

This looks very good in general, Degas:)

Ideal would be to include 2-3 introductory sentences explaining what the text will be about, so that the reader knows what continent and tribe(s) this will be about, what historical epoche, who was Tacunija and so on.

A few things on the poem:

- I guess you wanted to write: "Life force drained" instead of "Life forced drained".
- Not sure if all commas are really necessary, here for example:

With time cut short,
And rosy cheeks,

or here

And from pale lips,
Was uttered forth,
A curse that would ring true.

The marked commas don't look well placed. But maybe that's intentional from your side for some reason. They seemed a bit out of place to me, though.

- The last but one verse also doesn't seem to flow with the rest:

A curse of quarrel, strife, and feud,
On all the ilk and kin,
Of those who'd spilt his noble blood,
And thus he met his end.

Compared to the last verse there's no rhyme (like in return / burned) and "kin" and "end" for example seem to stop the flow somewhat.

But the rest I like, Degas! It's well written, covers a historical event and is thus integrative Santharian work, and that is always appreciated very much.  cool
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #6 on: 28 June 2007, 05:53:57 »

Some changes made. Any other issues?
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Anwulf II
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« Reply #7 on: 28 June 2007, 20:17:50 »

Art's right about the commas. There's kind of an excess of them. Here's a version with revised punctuation:

On Heckra's slopes, a princeling elf
Of peaceful, loving kind
Had met demise unwarranted,
And left this world behind.

Life force drained
From body weak
With time cut short,
And rosy cheeks
Bereft of cheery hue;
And from pale lips
Was uttered forth
A curse that would ring true.

A curse of quarrel, strife, and feud
On all the ilk and kin
Of those who'd spilt his noble blood;
Thus sorrow did begin.

Three flames from Heckra sealed the pact,
And thrice would it return
To haunt the mournful Firedamned
In flames that ever burned.

a.) With time cut short > By time cut short
b.) Was uttered forth: "Forth" seems redundant with "uttered". You could have something like "Was <insert suitable monosyllabic verb here> aloud". Or perhaps "Was blazèd forth".
c.) A curse that would ring true > A curse that would come true. The curse hasn't taken effect at this point.
d.) A curse of quarrel, strife and feud: I feel the verse really needs to say something about the curse causing these things, unless I'm meant to read the line to mean that the curse came from the quarrel, strife and feud.
e.) And thrice it would return: problem here is that "it" is obviously the curse, but nearest likely antecedent for the pronoun is "Three flames". By the way, what pact? It might help to make that explicit. It's clearly connected to the curse, but what was the bargain? (All right, that might come with the explanatory text.) However, the three~thrice parallelism is a good use of rhetoric.
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Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #8 on: 29 June 2007, 03:18:12 »

Fixed punctuation.

As for the rest af Anwulf's points:

a.)by time cut short - what?

b.)was uttered forth - uttered seems to be the word that best fits the line to me, and if it is slightly redundant, then so be it.

c.)a curse that would ring true - well, I can see how this would sound a little off. But if you can interpret it as meaning: would ring true (eventually), I think it is understandable.

d.)a curse of quarrel, strife, and feud - I don't think it should be necessary to spell this, or everything else out. A poem where every line is explained to the reader leaves no room for personal literary interpretation. If someone gets the wrong idea, then so be it. Aside from being pretty hard to do in this context, it comes with the territory. If they wanted a perfecatly accurate account, they would be reading a history entry, not a poem.

e.)and thrice would it return - wouldn't pact be the nearest antecedent? And for that matter, if it's obvious, who cares? Secondly, pact is being used as a synonym for curse. By definition its not strictly correct, but they are close enough for most people to make the connection.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #9 on: 03 July 2007, 04:33:44 »

Well,s for the last mentioned points these are definitely things that can be attributed to artistic license in my point of view - and all of them are in fact understandable, so I think it's in the poet's judgement to write it that way or change it. Works fine with me actually.

Especially "a curse of quarrel, strife and feud" means that the curse that was uttered will cause "quarrel, strife and feud". If you know the background of Tacunija's curse that is obvious - maybe it could find it's way a bit in the introduction, so that readers who don't know about the curse can make the connection easier.

The punctuation changes I guess work very well now!

The only thing I guess that perhaps should still be adjusted is
a.) by time cut short

Don't know what you don't understand at that comment, Degas, but I think that Anwulf means that "by time cut short" is just better English. As he's a teacher methinks he should know ;)
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #10 on: 04 July 2007, 04:18:48 »

Alright. I can see that. The line has been altered. The introduction has been elaborated on as well.
« Last Edit: 04 July 2007, 04:25:06 by Degas Zummatra » Logged
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #11 on: 04 July 2007, 04:45:50 »

Very good, Degas! To me this looks now definitely integratable (unless there are further comments) - a very good contribution for a first piece! Very strong, very "Santharian", very enjoyable! :D - More of this, please!  thumbup

P.S. Don't forget to always use the development icons to mark your contributions (see here for details)!
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Degas Zummatra
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« Reply #12 on: 05 July 2007, 11:27:09 »

Should I go ahead and mark this as ready for upload?
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #13 on: 05 July 2007, 14:58:36 »

Already done so now, Degas!  cool
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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