* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1] 2 3
Print
Author Topic: The Dragonstorm  (Read 8653 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« on: 29 June 2007, 04:46:07 »

The poem below was written during the time of the Dragonstorm by a young poet who is thought to have died during the disaster, he was unknown by name. It was found among the ruins of Voldar a short while after the Dragonstorm had subsided, the parchment was torn and the writing faded, not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses were lost but What could be saved was kept safely in respect of the many lives that were lost. 


The Dragonstorm


A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
Crowds of people to a pile of dust,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

The eyes red as there victims' blood,
The teeth stained a rotting yellow,
Armoured flesh is dead and dark,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Feel the wrath of their blazing heart,
Feel the fire of their burning lungs,
Feel the teeth as poniards they seem,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Beware the light smouldering on life,
The ash of so many - forever lost,
The heartache of those who are not,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Vicious the beasts that crowd the clouds,
An inferno that seems may never die,
As life combusts into death, as do I,
When the Dragonstorm does burn.

« Last Edit: 22 July 2007, 03:11:16 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« Reply #1 on: 29 June 2007, 04:47:43 »

I had trouble writing the introduction on this one as well, but just say if you think something else may sound better. I hope this is as well liked as my previous poem.
« Last Edit: 29 June 2007, 05:05:05 by Letitia De Lockhart » Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 144
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2.416


The Remusian


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: 29 June 2007, 10:31:54 »

I really liked this poem. 

Quote
Vicious beasts crowd the clouds,
An inferno that seems may never die,
Volcanoes of the flame such fire they are,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Feel the wrath of their burning heart,
Feel the fire of their red hot lungs,
Feel the bite that may tear a mountain,
The dragon storm does burn.

I was wondering if the flow of the poem would be better kept if instead of Volcanoes of the Flame, it read simply Volcanoes of Flame??

As well, dragon storm in the next verse is now two words.  Was that intended?  if so, why?

Other than that, to quote someone famous " I may not know art, but I know what
I like".  This, I like. thumbup
Logged

"Lather...Rinse...Repeat"   Why has God made my life so complicated?

This is what I'm working on
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« Reply #3 on: 29 June 2007, 15:45:26 »

Thank you Altario, I have made the alterations you suggested and the bit were I put dragonstorm as two words was a mistake so thank you for pointing that out.
Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« Reply #4 on: 03 July 2007, 03:37:04 »

I have added a verse because it did seem a bit too short, I hope that is better.
Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #5 on: 03 July 2007, 04:12:12 »

Again, a very nice poem, Letitia! :D Even though it works with the same scheme you used for your last poem of the "Wretched Elf" (repeating line at the end of each verse, then a final "as"). Which was effective there, and so this one works as well here as it fits to the topic. Of course it lacks a bit of innovation therefore as well admittedly, so I advise to try some variety next time ;)

The "Volcanoes of the Flame" line works for me as well now, and the additional verse also contributes to the poem. Also I like the introduction!

There's only a small glitch in the introduction.  Where it is written

"not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses lost but What could"

it should read instead:

"not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses was lost but what could"

But the poem itself is fine once again :)
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Alysse the Likely
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 69
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2.086



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: 03 July 2007, 04:21:05 »

Well, actually, Art, your correction is not right either. :P

It reads  "not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses was lost but what could"

It should say "not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses were lost but what could"

Not to be nitpicky or anything...  :D (giggles mischievously and runs away quickly)

Alysse




Logged

Alysse the Likely
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« Reply #7 on: 03 July 2007, 04:37:57 »

Thank you very much for the correction.
Also I know I am terrible, whenever I write a poem about things like this it always ends with death and follows that same pattern. Though I suppose it is not too bad because I have only ever written 3 poems in my life all posted on Santharia somewhere or another and only 2 of them follow that pattern and end with death. I should learn to change my ways, maybe have a new style of writting, I do not want to become a one trick pony.
« Last Edit: 03 July 2007, 14:27:12 by Letitia De Lockhart » Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« Reply #8 on: 07 July 2007, 04:32:43 »

Okay, I do not mean to be a pain, just asking if there are anyother improvements that I would need to make, or does it look good, thanks anyway.
Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 143
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11.639


Shendar, Shen-D'auras


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #9 on: 09 July 2007, 04:15:50 »

Hello Letitia!
A couple of ideas, proposals and questions from my side, but I‘m no versified poet either, so see what you think (has „fire“ two or one syllable=?). I tried to give your poem a form.

/ - - / - - / (-/)
/ - - / - - / - /
/ - - / - - / - /
- / - / - /




The poem below was written during the time of the Dragonstorm by a young poet unknown who is thought to have died during the disaster () . It was found among the ruins of ?? Voldar a short while after the Dragonstorm had subsided, the parchment was torn and the writing faded,   no signs of fire, burned parts?not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses were lost but   what could be saved was kept safely in respect of the many lives that were lost.

I think generally the rhythm is a bit inconsistent , maybe you try to change that and find a wording so that it is repeated in every stanza? I‘ll give you some proposals.


The Dragonstorm

A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
Crowds of people to a pile of dust,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

L1: Normally fountains are coming from the ground and going to the sky if I‘m not mistaken, but  that may be deliberately . However, just one fountain, not more? so to say, each dragon breathing one? It would fit better with the rhythm as well.

In L3 the verb is missing, I‘m not quite sure if you mean, that they are burned to dust. I would propose to rephrase that?



L1  Fountains of fire from the skies
(Much better: Fountains of fire across the skies,)
L2  Rivers of blood on the mountain sides,
L3  Crowds of poor folks,  now a pile of dust,
L4  The Dragonstorm does burn.
 

(Oh how does the dragonstorm burn!)

Maybe try to adjust your second stanza, so that it has the same rhythm as the first?
volcanos of the flame - what do you mean with this?

I‘m now going to add just a „x“ where a syllable is missing.



Vicious beasts crowd the clouds,
Hopeless infernos that do not  end,
X x volcanoes of blazing flames,
The Dragonstorm does burn.



Feel the  x   wrath of their burning heart,
Feel the x  fire of  red hot lungs,
Feel the x bite that may tear a rock,
The Dragonstorm does burn.


And so on! 

A light smouldering on life,
The ash of so many lost,
The heartache of those who are not,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Eyes red as the blood of their victims,
Teeth stained a rotting yellow,
Armoured flesh is dead and dark,
As I when the Dragonstorm does burn.

  I would not change the last line, it does not flow and takes away the strong feeling you have built up.
An impressing poem, but it needs still some work.  My choice of words are not the best either, just try to improve it further! :)



Art, if you think my critic is gone too far, then you have to say it (and not just complain elsewere)
Logged

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« Reply #10 on: 09 July 2007, 04:33:41 »

Okay that has struck me a bit. I am confused, I have never really thought the syllables matter that much and I would not have thought that poems have to make sense. It is not like writing a essay or review about something, are not poems just meant on extenuating something, not about being terribly truthful and particular. Please tell me if I am wrong about this.

By the way in a fountain the water is meant to fall down, you are probably thinking of those fountains that push the water up first.

P.S. I do not mean too be rude, I am just truely confused.
« Last Edit: 09 July 2007, 04:52:10 by Letitia De Lockhart » Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 143
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11.639


Shendar, Shen-D'auras


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #11 on: 09 July 2007, 04:55:41 »

Well, I'm not a poet, though I tried my hands on some poems, but I always thought a poem has to be a good read, it has to sound good when I'm reading it out loud. And when reading your poem I'm stumbling now and then. I might pronounce some words wrongly, but surely not all.

In my opinion a poem has to have a form, even if it is free from. But yours is not a free form either, it is not rolling from the tongue and I don't have the feeling that it has to be worded exactly like that and not a bit differently.

I think that a poem should make sense, though I might not understand everything. Why should I read it if it doesn't say me anything? Don't you want to express something with it?

Logged

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Letitia De Lockhart
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 86



View Profile
« Reply #12 on: 10 July 2007, 03:26:14 »

Okay I have made some changes from your advise but not all of them, I do appreciate the advise though anyway. I can say it did make me think a  bit more about it, but I am still not sure, sorry.
Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #13 on: 10 July 2007, 04:09:26 »

Personally I have no objections if verbs are missing, sentences shortened and more unusual metaphors used - that's the poetic license, and unless something is completely off I wouldn't enforce changes.

Regarding the form of the poem one notices however that it feels more irregular now, so that it is quite "uneven" to read. I guess it was somewhat expanded from the first version, and while it is not a poem that rhymes and needs an exact meter it appears bumpy at passages as has been pointed out, because the lines vary greatly in size and rhythm. I have to agree with Talia here. The poem has already too much form to go through as "free form" I'd say.

If you read the first four lines out aloud again and again you'll find that they are very rhythmic, "skies" and "side" both have a long "i", while "dust" and "burn" are short and thus even make a good combination here in a poem that doesn't rhyme directly.

But the rest of the poem follows another pattern, you can see that even when looking at the poem superficiously. For example

"Volcanoes of the flame" is a very short line (a line 3)
"Feel the fire of their red hot lungs" (a line 2) appears stretched
"The heartache of those who are not" (again a line 3) is way longer than the volcanoe line

Ideally you should try to apply a scheme here. It is not that difficult as it might appear, but a good poem needs some tweaking verse by verse - a word more or less here and there can do wonders and make the poem much more effective.
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 143
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 11.639


Shendar, Shen-D'auras


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #14 on: 10 July 2007, 04:10:34 »

Please color your changes as everybody is asked to do, it is easier to see what you have changed.  :)

Your rythm is still off, you should have the same in every stanza.



Could you please eyplain to me, what you actually mean with following lines?

A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
A crowd of people to a pile of dust,


One fountain of fire? Thee were MANyY dragons all over the land, one river of blood? did it happen at just one place?

I don't get line 3, the grammar is off.

and what do you mean wiht "volcano of the flame?

@ Art: I have been told, that this "poetic license" should be used only very rarely and not tto mend lines - the reader will always have the feeling that there is something missing if you do it not very cautiously.
« Last Edit: 10 July 2007, 04:14:35 by Talia Sturmwind » Logged

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Pages: [1] 2 3
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144589
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 26
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 29
Total: 29

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx