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Author Topic: The Dragonstorm  (Read 9081 times)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #15 on: 10 July 2007, 04:19:07 »
These lines that you mention, Talia, are clearly poetic licence to me, and intentionally that way - they are much stronger therefore.

Like
A crowd of people [is turned] to a pile of dust

I don't count dragons or fountains when reading a poem, the atmosphere, the impression is important - and with this measure of style used here it is very effective in my point of view.
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #16 on: 10 July 2007, 04:42:08 »
Thank you very much for the comment, I really am trying hard now, I just feel way out of my depth at the moment. I am still just trying desperately to get it all together in my mind like one person is saying one thing and the other another and it is like brain over load. I am not good at taking on lots of information in a small amount of time (mainly because of my epilepsy and learning disabilities that gives me the disadvantage with keeping in information). But hopefully if not tonight then I can sort it out some time tomorrow because I am off school.
« Last Edit: 10 July 2007, 04:48:56 by Letitia De Lockhart » Logged
"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #17 on: 10 July 2007, 05:15:16 »
Okay I think I have calmed down a bit know (with a bit of help from my mum), so I have made quite a few changes and hopefully that is a bit better, if not I will try and change it again.
« Last Edit: 10 July 2007, 05:21:24 by Letitia De Lockhart » Logged
"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #18 on: 10 July 2007, 06:47:30 »
Hey, there is no need to get your brain overloaded, Letitia, just take it easy ;) Personally I've learned that some poems just take their time to ripen - if a rhyme or a verse somehow doesn't want to work, return to it later. It helps to get some distance to the work and collect your thoughts on it (consciously or unconsciously). When I write entries I also do it part by part, and in the end you get something out of it you wouldn't have imagined at the start :)

Anyway, I'll have another closer look tomorrow, so stay tuned for more comments!
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #19 on: 10 July 2007, 14:50:04 »
Letitia, I can only confirm what Art has said. Writing a poem is not just sitting down and writing it in one go and then it is perfect. It is hard work. Even great writers take their time and correct and add and wipe out . It is not rare, that I sit half an an hour over one line (when the muse hits me at all!) after the first three lines went well, but the last one does not fit. Sometimes it doesn't work at all. Writers of poems are often called word smiths, and that is a hint that it is hard work! ;)


Don't despair, just take your time!
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #20 on: 10 July 2007, 17:27:41 »
Thank you, I will try my hardest to stay away when I should (but I don't think I can promise anything).
« Last Edit: 10 July 2007, 17:30:08 by Letitia De Lockhart » Logged
"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #21 on: 10 July 2007, 21:27:30 »
Okay this has nothing to do with Santharia or my poem but I just feel like saying this because I am so happy. Today I officially got my exam results and I got a level 7 in maths  grin, the highest level you can get is a 8 and I was expected to get a level 5, but I showed those silly teachers. I also got a 5 in Science which is not so good, but it is decent. I do not find out my level in English for another month yet but I cannot wait.  grin
My mum is taking me on a big shopping trip in a few day's because she is so proud of me.
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"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #22 on: 11 July 2007, 04:06:40 »
lol Well, congratulations, then Letitia! Plus I think your English isn't that bad, so I'm hopeful concerning that exam as well. Hope you had a nice shopping trip!

Ok, I looked at the poem again and there are still some things that could be improved in regard of the meter I think.

Here is a suggestion of some amendments that might help - always try to repeat the lines aloud to get the rhythm, thus you should see the difference between the former version and the suggestions:

A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
Crowds of people to a pile of dust,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

The eyes red as their victims' blood,
The teeth are stained a rotting yellow,
Armoured flesh is dead and dark,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Feel the wrath of their blazing heart,
Feel the fire of their burning lungs,
Feel the teeth as poniards they seem,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Beware the light smouldering on life,
The ash of so many - forever lost,
The touchier of those who are not,
(don't know what "touchier" means in this context)
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Vicious the beasts that crowd the clouds,
An inferno that seems may never die,
As life combusts into death, as do I
when the Dragonstorm does burn.

The "as do I" (maybe better "so do I"?) I moved up, to stay in the meter - line 3 needs it and 4 fits to the other lines.
« Last Edit: 11 July 2007, 04:10:10 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged


"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #23 on: 11 July 2007, 04:53:09 »
I believe that all the changes you suggested have been made and I hope they are to a good standard.
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"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #24 on: 11 July 2007, 23:39:08 »
It's better now.
If it is to Artimidor's standard then it is ok ;)
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #25 on: 11 July 2007, 23:49:24 »
Thank you very much Talia, I do hope it is up to a good enough standard.
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"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #26 on: 12 July 2007, 04:12:03 »
This line:

The eyes red as the blood of their victims,

you have marked, but didn't change, Letitia!
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #27 on: 12 July 2007, 14:31:58 »
Oh thank you for pointing that out, I thought I had changed it, well that has now been done.
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"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
Deevono
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« Reply #28 on: 13 July 2007, 01:07:15 »
I Really like the poem but just a suggestion instead of having "the teeth stained a rotting yellow" maybe u could put the teeth stained yellow and rotting. its just a suggestion



Deevono
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Letitia De Lockhart
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« Reply #29 on: 22 July 2007, 03:02:51 »
Sorry I have not replied in a while, I have been quite busy rping, also I suppose I have been considering that comment, because I have made mistakes in thinking that comments were wrong before and I turned out to be wrong. But I am really not sure about this one because I do not think it sounds correct the way that was suggested and if I did it like that is would be saying there teeth are yellow and rotting, when actually I was trying to describe the colour yellow as rotting so I cannot be sure.
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"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."
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