Ma'asherom's Call

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Ma'asherom's Call

« on: 22 July 2007, 04:33:19 »

This piece of writing, now considered as a poem was once believed to have been used as a war cry by none other than Ma'asherom’s the Red, one of the most powerful evil archmages during The War of the Chosen. It is said by those of knowledge that the poem was once inscribed on major buildings in several of the bigger cities of the human kingdoms, but all of these were destroyed at the end that terrible war. Now, these lines only remain, hidden away in the deepest recesses of the Santhalan Library.

Ma'asherom’s Call

Are you the chosen?
Are you cold inside?
Are you lost in demise?
Are you gone from life?

Are you the chosen?
Are you full of hate?
Are you unable to like?
Are you destroyed by love?

Are you the chosen?
Are you tortured by reality?
Are you wounded by truth?
Are you killed by life?

Are you the chosen?
Are you the careless?
Are you the soulless?
Are you the heartless?

Are you the chosen?
Are you the fallen?
Are you the lost?
Are you the doomed?

Are you the chosen?
Are you the murderer?
Are you the obliterator?
Are you the annihilator?

Are you the chosen?
Are you the winner?
Are you the master?
Are you the magic?

Are you the chosen?


« Last Edit: 12 August 2007, 17:39:07 by Artimidor Federkiel »	Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."

Petros Greenvale

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 6
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 278

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #1 on: 22 July 2007, 08:33:36 »

A very eerie poem...Well done!! clap

your quite the poet!! heart


	Logged

___________"In the pursuit of happiness,___________
the difficulty lies in knowing when you have caught up."

Petros Greenvale

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #2 on: 22 July 2007, 09:20:19 »

Why thank you sir, the compliment is well appreciated. grin


« Last Edit: 22 July 2007, 09:36:41 by Letitia De Lockhart »	Logged

Decipher Ziron

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 55
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 2.574

General Genius of Remarkable Modesty

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #3 on: 22 July 2007, 20:59:00 »

Topical and Entertaining...Perfect for Santharia....I like the questioning nature....very original...reminds of a poem I heard about the vietnam war aftermath (the title escapes me)....


	Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #4 on: 23 July 2007, 01:34:05 »

Please can someone out there try and help with the introduction, I truly am stuck on it this time.


	Logged

Decipher Ziron

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 55
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 2.574

General Genius of Remarkable Modesty

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #5 on: 23 July 2007, 01:59:26 »

Perhaps...Remnants of a ruin discovered and translated? Believed to perhaps be a motivational speech to the Chosen who had been driven from their homes ECT.?

lines like 'Are you the murderer?' would then be used with somekind of irony/sarcasm...as if from the viewpoint of those who feared the Chosen....

WDUT?


	Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #6 on: 23 July 2007, 02:24:57 »

I love that idea, though what I really cannot figure out is what ruin would it be in, and what would be a suitable time to say when it was discovered. But I love your suggestion about how it was used.


	Logged

Decipher Ziron

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 55
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 2.574

General Genius of Remarkable Modesty

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #7 on: 23 July 2007, 03:46:16 »

Well are specifics THAT important in this situation? They are nice...but are they neccesary?


	Logged

Laugh ,and the World Laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone.

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #8 on: 23 July 2007, 19:32:15 »

I think I have just about done the last of the finishing touches and hopefully now it is good enough.


	Logged

Petros Greenvale

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 6
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 278

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #9 on: 23 July 2007, 21:37:00 »

it was quite good!!! thumbup

but the one thing i found a wee bit strange was the sentence structure, so i have made some corrections you might want to take into account for they make it just a wee bit more fluid.

.Over the generations these words have been read by few people, who are most unfortunate to have set their eyes upon them. These words were once recited by the chosen ones, during “The War of the Chosen”. They are meant to represent all that is bad in the world, and that is exactly what they are. They would be spoken with sarcasm, to make a mockery of them. These words were inscribed only once. Upon a large stone wall by its creators at the time of the war. But now these words are kept under lock and key, safely in the library of the grey.

by the way if anyone contradicts my corrections, go with them on it!!


« Last Edit: 23 July 2007, 21:59:48 by Petros Greenvale »	Logged

___________"In the pursuit of happiness,___________
the difficulty lies in knowing when you have caught up."

Petros Greenvale

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #10 on: 23 July 2007, 22:17:35 »

I have made some changes, thank you for the help as I did think the wording did sound wrong, but I was not sure how to fix it. So thanks for that.


	Logged

Gean Firefeet

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 13
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 1.562

Re: The War of the Chosen

« Reply #11 on: 23 July 2007, 23:13:54 »

Hi Letitia,

it's good to see a new face in Santharia, and especially with poetical aspirations! I haven't seen previous incarnations, but what I see here and now looks great, but I do have a few points for you to consider:

The Chosen weren't all bad: rather they were those naturally gifted with magical talents, among them those with corrupted hearts and those with blessed spirits. Your poem would be made by 'the Dark side', to say it in Starwarsian terminology, but wouldn't be accepted by all the Chosen. You can find the corresponding history section here.

Indeed your poem contains "all that is bad in this world", but perhaps they would put all the bad stuff in a more coherent structure. Unless you can explain your sentence order to me, I haven't found the structure that most poems have, excluding of course the use of a continued first line in each stanza, which is very well done indeed!

I agree with Decipher that specifics aren't really necessary in this situation and if you read the information on the War of the Chosen you'll notice that almost all the remnants of that time were destroyed in the cataclysms of the Era. Still, I wouldn't call it "War of the Chosen", since it represents only one side of the war. I guess it has survived in one archive or the other (just as you say, it sounds very likely to me), and it attributed to one of the old Archmages of the 'dark side'. Maybe it would called "Ma'asherom call" or something?

To bring structure to your poem, you can unite the three sentences that are 'free form' in each stanza by a theme or by a form.

For example, your final stanza:
Are you the chosen?
Are you the fallen?
Are you the lost?
Are you the murderer?

Lost and fallen are in the same category and fit well together. Murderer is (except of course that it is definately a bad thing as well) something completely different. A suggestion of mine would then be:

Are you a chosen?
Are you the fallen?
Are you the lost?
Are you the doomed?

Are you the chosen?
Are you the mastermind?
Are you the murderer?
Are you the annihilator?

You can do something with that every stanza. It might take some extra work, but I think your message will come across even clearer. You can also consider what you think is most important and put that at the beginning, or instead at the end. I think your end, with the exception of the 'murderer line', is very strong in this respect, but the beginning isn't so necessarily. I think magic is the most important thing for a chosen, so that would be at the head.

I hope you'll find the comments helpful and useful, and that the poem will only grow from here. The eerie sphere is here already, I hope you'll be able to do something about the structure. Good work and good luck!


	Logged

"Blessed is the man who calls an aj his friend."
- Shendar Proverb
"If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it..."
- Shakespeare's Twelfth Night

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Re: Ma'asherom's Call

« Reply #12 on: 24 July 2007, 01:00:30 »

Thank you so much for all your help, I will try to make the best effort I can.

I have tried my best doing some work on the poem so I hope it is a bit better now at least, but I am still trying to sort out the introduction.


« Last Edit: 24 July 2007, 01:13:21 by Letitia De Lockhart »	Logged

Gean Firefeet

Santh. Member

Gained Aura: 13
Offline

Offline

Gender: Male

Posts: 1.562

Re: Ma'asherom's Call

« Reply #13 on: 25 July 2007, 00:01:57 »

Bravo Letitia. I thank the total coherence is much improved by your latest changes. I hope you agree with that as well. Each stanza now has its own structure or theme. If you need further help with the introduction, drop a line, but I'm sure that if you read the information on the War of the Chosen, you'll come up with a good explanation for the lines!


	Logged

"Blessed is the man who calls an aj his friend."
- Shendar Proverb
"If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it..."
- Shakespeare's Twelfth Night

Letitia De Lockhart

Aspiring Member

Gained Aura: 0
Offline

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 86

Re: Ma'asherom's Call

« Reply #14 on: 25 July 2007, 00:32:55 »

Thank you, I am very happy with the changes and appreciate your help allot. Unfortunately though I am still trying desperately to come up with a decent introduction but each time I start one it just does not seem right.


	Logged

Pages: [1] 2

Santharian Development

Forum

Santharian World Development

The Santharian Library

Ma'asherom's Call