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Author Topic: The Kaaer'dár'shín Half-Orcs - 1st Revision  (Read 25214 times)
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Smee
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« Reply #45 on: 29 May 2008, 00:08:50 »

With just a quick glance, I see that about 80% of my comments are still unaddressed, either as reply to me in explanation, or in changes to the entry.

My comment about the teeth shape (there was a typo there before) has been re-writted, but there's another typo there instead. I think you spelt 'shaped', as 'chaped'.

One - where I mention an unnecessary 'is' - has also been mentioned by Tharoc as well. And still it remains!

Some colours showing edits, and some demonstration of listening to comments would be appreciated, before I carry on reading.

Sorry.  huh
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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #46 on: 29 May 2008, 01:17:17 »

Thank you Mister Smee...all of your changes have been addressed.

As a practice, my first few drafts are intended to put forth my ideas and structure, and are not necessarily edited heavily for grammar and spelling issues. As in some of your comments and Tharoc's, I ended up re-writing entire sections anyway after comments made by Alysse and Arti rendering your suggestions invalid.

Only once I get a final approval on the entry's ideas and structure, then I make final edits for grammar. Just so you know. I didn't mean to snub you.  ;)
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No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
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« Reply #47 on: 29 May 2008, 01:24:21 »

*chuckles* Ignore me, I must have stubbed my toe before posting. It obviously makes sense to get the big stuff sorted first.  :P
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #48 on: 29 May 2008, 21:38:31 »

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As a practice, my first few drafts are intended to put forth my ideas and structure, and are not necessarily edited heavily for grammar and spelling issues

But they should, Azhira. If others take the time to read what you wrote and comment, take the time to colour their remarks, it is only polite not to expect from them to read over spelling errors, not with such a handy spellchecker on the site. Grammar issues are something else, they can not be spotted so easily by non native speakers (native speakers should watch out as well). A text with spelling errors takes me much longer to read, for whenever my brain stumbles over one, I ask myself - is this word correct or not? And I dislike this very much. And if I don't notice the spelling error, I might even adopt it. I don't want to learn wrong English when I do somebody else a favour.

Btw, why is nothing coloured in your submission (first post), didn't you change anything so far?
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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #49 on: 29 May 2008, 21:51:38 »

I can do spell checking, of course, and will do so going forward.

I usually do not bother with such painstaking grammar checking because my first drafts involve putting forth my ideas and creating the structure and that is where I want initial comments. I am looking for comments on my general direction and ideas (as Alysse and Arti have been doing).

Any changes I make to the entry I explain in a post rather than color it in. For example, my post needing second draft comments explained what I added - A history section, religion section, deleted the hair styles...etc. I keep everyone updated on what I change. If you've read the entry, simply see what I added/changed and read it.
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No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
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« Reply #50 on: 29 May 2008, 21:55:51 »

General direction and ideas, I'm afraid, aren't in my skills yet, as I'm still lacking huge amounts of Santharian lore.

I'll be watching and waiting, and will be back with the grammar and spelling stuff once you're done.

Happy Dreamin'  :)
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #51 on: 29 May 2008, 21:58:27 »

As I said, grammar is a different thing than spell- checking - though I do not know, what  I might write wrong if I wrote in German - apart from comma errors and the new spelling rules we have ;) (they divide a nation - and families!)

If you add new sections, that is ok without colouring, but changing parts of a revised paragraph should be coloured, for otherwise the commenters have to look over all the whole stuff again - don't you see it this way?
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #52 on: 29 May 2008, 21:58:32 »

All second draft additions are in Yellow now.

@ Smee - I appreciate your spelling/grammar checks. I look forward to your continued help in that regard.  ;)

@ Talia - I see what you mean...I shall henceforth bust out my pack of crayons and start marking away!  :D
« Last Edit: 29 May 2008, 22:00:42 by Azhira El´rosse » Logged

No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #53 on: 31 May 2008, 03:46:06 »

Just a couple of  points I noticed.

Under the People section:

"As a whole, the Kaaer'dár'shín keep to themselves and have little interaction with other Santharian tribes. Obviously, contact with their ancestors, the Kuglimz, was lost during the Third Sarvonian War and both tribes deny the honor and existence of the other."

They can hardly deny each other's existence--it's more the relationship they would deny.

"The Kaaer'dár'shín have not solely adopted all orcen customs and still maintain some of the customs of their long lost Kuglimz cousins."

They aren't really long lost--I think "very distant" might be the term you are looking for.

"More often now than in the past, depending on the current chief's views, are females allowed to train and join a war party. Many girls, however, are still strongly encouraged to follow traditional paths."

"Also, the rare woman who finds her way outside the tribe can find work as a weaponsmith, horsebreeder, cook or seamstress."

Under Housing:

"Higher ranking leaders of the Kaaer'dár'shín live and worship within these homes, which are more permanent than the bromer."

Under Weapons:

(See my comment on the "Tlor'Arq'u" in it's own entry)


Under Religion:


"Despite the abandonment of a pantheon of gods, the tribe reveres a single vague deity known as the Great Spirit in honor."

The Kuglimz don't believe in a pantheon--only the All-Father and the All-Mother.

"It is thought that the visions received from the Great Spirit are simply hallucinations as a result of the Ghun'tlor disease..." 

I suggest you say this is thought by outsiders, not the tribesmen themselves--otherwise they wouldn't respect them.)


Under Festivals:

"A single, large male wison is loosed in the arena and the warriors are given the challenge of subduing and killing the bison with their bare hands (sometimes daggers are given)."

(This would be completely impossible--just have them use the daggers all the time.  The Wison is just too big for a person to kill like that.  At least with the daggers they could hamstring it)


Nice Easter Egg with Temejin, BTW!


This entry is GREAT!  Really, there's not much more to say without exhausting superlatives, Azhira.   It is absolutely amazing and the amount of work you have put into it is tremendous.  It has my unqualified approval  as Northern moderator  and you can blarrow it for next update (this week-end, maybe?  I'm not sure)


Alysse
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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #54 on: 31 May 2008, 04:17:21 »

!!! YAY !!!

Thank you, Alysse! Your comments are in Green and this is now considered my Final Draft for Arti (Does he need to approve as well before blarrow...?)

*whew* Yeah, lots of work went into this.

On a side note, I kept the religion specifically vague as I plan a separate Kaaer religion entry at some point soon.

 :D :D :D
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No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
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« Reply #55 on: 31 May 2008, 04:31:09 »

Not so fast...  *evil giggle*

Just went through the latter history section only...

Quote
eventually coming into the southeastern part of Caeel’heroth where they finally settled and founded a settlement along the eastern edge of the Themed'lon forest.

There's no need for the double 'settled' here. Lose the red parts.

~

Quote
and he passed his knowledge skills along to his younger brother

His 'knowledge skills' ?

~

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forced them into labor camps and were

Labour.

~

Quote
The number of pure-blooded humans soon dwindled and the majority of the tribe members were now humans with orcen blood. Inter-breeding still continued with the orcs, albeit not as often as during the war, and with each other.

Ok - I'm struggling a bit here. You say the pure humans are almost gone, leaving only the half-orc, whom were ignored/despised as children by the orcs, yet the orcs are still breeding with them? Seems a contradiction.

~

Quote
Temejin, already a highly respected hunter and warrior,

You said he was a hunter and warrior in the previous sentence. I think you can just say he was 'highly respected' and leave it at that.

~

Happy Dreamin'  ;)


EDIT:

P.S You still have decimals and numbers, as per my first comment...

Quote
They are also shorter than most men, with both sexes standing an average of 1.5 peds. Due to this heavier build, their average weight is typically between 1.8 to 2.4 pygges.

EDIT 2 :

Give me another 30 mins, and I'll try to get through the rest.
« Last Edit: 31 May 2008, 04:34:33 by Smee » Logged

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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #56 on: 31 May 2008, 04:44:49 »

SHOO! Go away, Smee! I was supposed to be DONE!!  :P

Your edits in Orange...
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No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
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« Reply #57 on: 31 May 2008, 05:06:33 »

Ok - a number of the following comments are corrections of Americanised spelling of words. I'm under the impression that UK spelling is favoured here, but if not, just ignore them.

Lets get it done, so this can be blarrowed...

~

Quote
The Kaaer'dár'shín are not brute warriors.

This is an odd sentence. Did you mean brutish? i.e.   ...are not like the brutish orcen warriors

~

Quote
Often, the wives of the warriors or other important male

Male should be pluralised really, although I think 'men' works better.

~

Quote
The Kaaer'dár'shín coat of arms is depicted as a buckler wrapped in the hide of the Tsor-Shotak with three feathers along the top and two spears crossed behind it  why feathers and why spears?

When I first made note of this, I wasn't aware they use spears at all, favouring instead the famous swords, and was about to question the image of spears in this coat of arms. However I later read they do use spears. But the swift swords, or even the daggers seem more prominent weapons of this tribe. Possibly have them on the coat of arms instead?

~

Quote
presence in the Imlith mountains for hunting the Tsor-Shotak lizard

I haven't read the lizard entry, perhaps they are proficient breeders. But this tribe do seem to use an awful lots of these lizards. For the armour of every warrior, as well as their shields. (They need two for just the small buckler, I'm guessing atleast six for a full set of armour). 

I know the hunt for the lizards that make the shields are special, but could it be possible they actually breed these lizards to make the armour? Otherwise I can see this lizard going extinct pretty quick.

~

Quote
The tribe does not lead a complicated lifestyle, but instead an unstable one, changing at the whims of whoever leads them at the time.

What sort of things are changing at whim? They actually seem quite stable, and have a lot of tradition (shields, decoration, burial, shamans) as well as a shaman/warrior leaders. Would the shamans not temper the irrational changes of warrior leaders? After all I'd guess they'll be needing stability to survive in this wild land.

~

Quote
A band of Kaaer'dár'shín raiders upon their swift Landesh ponies is an intimidating sight, or so it is told.

I think you could be more dramatic with this image. Possibly make mention of things like... "with fearsome weapons held high, body paint standing out in the light, and their well renowned bucklers" etc?

~

Quote
need is always great for warriors and laborers
  The first american spelling. Labour.

~

Quote
but no one that has seen his daggers up close have lived to provide first hand knowledge of the rumor.
The second, rumour ;)

~

Quote
Can hit a moving target over twenty peds away with an axe or a target up to ten peds away with a dagger.

I'm possibly completely wrong. But I would have thought the lighter dagger would be the weapon that could hit further targets?

~

Quote
or sometimes a member is exiled for committing a crime.

Are they not just killed, rather than exiled? Seems a little merciful to just let them go.

~

Quote
The Kaaer'dár'shín favor darker colored
U is really quite a nice letter *chuckles*  Coloured.

~

Quote
Clothing made from the hide of the wolverine is probably the most favored and most valued
Ooh wolverine snuck in - nice.  :)

~

Quote
to good crops to favorable weather
Favourable

~

Quote
The boar is favored during
    You know the drill, add that U. Favoured.

~

Quote
no special means of preparing the fish other than stripping off the meat and cooking over an open fire

Again, I'm no expert. But I thought it more common to simply de-scale the fish and then cook it whole? Does fish strip off all that easily?

~

*chuckles* All joking aside, I thoroughly agree with Alysse. This is an awesome entry. I'm looking forward to seeing it in the Compendium.

Happy Dreamin'  grin
« Last Edit: 31 May 2008, 05:22:11 by Smee » Logged

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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #58 on: 31 May 2008, 05:44:00 »

Ok, Smee...changes done. I didn't color code them as they were small.

I've chosen not to change everything to the "non-American" spelling as none of my other entries required this and to my knowledge, it isn't a site wide rule. Unless Arti corrects me, I am leaving my spellings as is...but thanks for pointing them out!  :D
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No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
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« Reply #59 on: 31 May 2008, 05:45:38 »

LOL  - so sorry.

Forgot to mention one last thing (I promise).  :P

I wondered where they were getting their steel from? It's not mentioned in the resources section. I'm guessing for a tribe so famous for metal weapons has a good supply of iron, and whatever else it is that turns it into steel?

*ducks any flying objects and runs*
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