Eyelian Culture- 7th edition

Nsiki, I see a lot of great ideas here! You just need a bit more structure, eloquence and explanations of things which are clear to you, but not necessarily to others. You tried to point out the differences between the more traditional (rural) and more "modern"(in the cites) living Eyelians and that*s great as well. You need to think about the fact however, that these traditional living Eyelians surely have moved away from their origins as well - in the last 10 000 years or so. So how might this society have looked like? But that is nothing for this submission, just a thought you might carry with you for some time, maybe there comes out another entry about a "fanatic" group of Eyelians who claim they want to go back to their roots? Just an idea for a further project.

While reading it, I had slightly the impression of reading a modern book about anthropology - and biology with using "alpha male" etc. It will not solve the problem if you use another letter. "Alpha male" is a modern expression and I find its use wrong in a bestiary entry as well. It can be easily avoided if a more appropriate description is used.

I would not mix the description of the traditional and more modern Eyelians. Stay by the traditional ones and at the end make a paragraph what is different with the modern ones. So the reader doesn't have to jump mentally from one to the next and back.

I will now take your submission apart thoroughly, I hope you don't mind and Art neither. (I normally don't do comments on newbie-stuff anymore if it is not something concerning the Shendar, out of the reason that I cannot do just a bit commenting)

The Eyelian culture is widely regarded as one of the best-preserved cultures in Southern Sarvonia.

This sentence is a bit a problem here without explanation. And maybe even wrong. It is surely true, that the Glandorians have lost a great deal of their former culture and the Darian with them when they merged. But they still have their whaling business and why shold not the Darian have still kept old traditions? Apart from that - how can you say, that the Erpheronians e.g. have not preserved it as well? You need to prove your statement here. In addition, I think you want to say something else - that the Eyelians are still differ from the other tribes because they were a lot different from the beginning, coming from another continent.

I don't want to formulate for you, but I will give you some content which should go into this first paragraph:
- Not just "one of the best preserved", but as well still different because of a different heritage. They came from Nybelmar where all other came from Northern Sarvonia - at some earlier point.
- Why have other tribes preserved their culture not as well:
- - The Eyelians kept more for themselves, where Glandorians and Darian mingeled, more or less involuntarily, the more northern tribes had more in common from the beginning and so a culturel exchange happened more easily (here you have to stay a bit vague, it is not really an argument you can defend, the Proudman have a strong heritage as well).
- You need to say here, that they have transformed and are not the same anymore, yo r next sentences will fit

Here a sentence is missing, you skipped one, but now it falls apart.

How else to explain their rapid transition from forest-dwelling hunters and farmers to a cosmopolitan people still in touch with their millennia-old traditions?

Explain? Here is nothing to explain, but to state. More: No other tribe has developed from forest-dweling hunters to... AND preserved nevertheless an millennia old tradition, though of course time always takes its tribute and part of the heritage is lost inevitably

The Eyelians are noted for their amazing link to nature, exemplified by the "familiars" they share a bond with.

Now my English is not good enough: Is "link" the right expression? Maybe understanding of nature?(don't know, link doesn't hold for the meaning of importance..)

And now you need to describe in short, what such a familiar is, even if it is mentioned above in the text already. Don't use familiar and family in close vicinity (in a sentence). Are these just animals they have as pets, or beast of burdens to work with etc. Keep in mind, that it is expensive to own a beast, especially a big one. Cows were a fortune for farmers, not to speak of horses. What kind of animal have they with them? Woold they take in a bear? for what reason? (It would need a great amount of meat)

Families look upon their familiars not as pets, but as members of the family (albeit with wings, fur or claws). Houses are designed specifically with certain beasts in mind, and some Eyelians even possess a remarkable resemblance to their natural brethren. Hence, the alertness and tufty hair common to those with birds no comma and the unnatural strength to the Tamers who have tamed a larger animal, like a bear. This could, of course, only be a mix of coincidence and exaggeration, but to the Eyelians, it is a commonly accepted "Old Wives's Tale".

I'm not sure, if you mean, that the bear clan will have bears and the eagle clan eagles. And how can they plan a house for special beasts, if they do not know, what their children will choose? The spirit guide of a child is not necessarily his familiar, is it? The family might not be able to afford that!

The next paragraph belongs already in family structures.

Even Eyelian hierarchy seems based on nature, with the Patriarch acting as the „Alpha Male“, and the mother commanding just as much respect.
Why "Even"? We talked already about the "alpha male" skip it please, that really sounds as if you speak of beasts, and see the comment above.
If you use the term "patriarch", then you hint already at a "patriarchal " structure, which you deny in the same sentence. Maybe reference to nature later, if it fits at all.. and start just describing the hierarchy.

Everyone in an Eyelian "nest" watches out for one another. Everyone, from the smallest cub (Eyelian vernacular for child) to the oldest owl (a common epitaph for the wise elders) find a safe place to lay their heads at home, surrounded by a multitude of loving guardians, from familiars to uncles.

That "nest, cub and owl" are a nice idea , but this piece is here at the wrong place

Family Structures. Eyelian families resemble wolf packs in many ways. The mother and father are held as equals, in a twist rarely seen in modern Sarvonia. For instance, the Shendar are matriacarchal --> matriarchal --> that's not entirely true, they are matriarchal inclined , while the Erephonians are a male-dominated society.

Eyelian families tend to be composed of the aforementioned parents, approximately two to four children, as well as any unmarried brothers of the father or mother, and the grandparents. Sisters tend to live with their original family.
Describe the hierarchy first and do not go yet into occupation.
Btw, the entry says, the Eyelian are equal, and in this case I take it the women as well:

Quote

Eyelians respect their laws and their elders. There is no truly 'set' hierarchy in Eyelian society; all men are equal. Some are just placed to look after the welfare of others.

That contradicts the wolfpack, where the members are NOT equal. I would skip this comparison, though it would be a nice reference to their connection with the nature, but it does not fit. Maybe you should better compare them to these desert mammals which live in huge groups where the aunts look after the young as well.
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Let me comprise, what I think you want to say, plus what I find in the entry: (formulate yourself!)

Entry: all men a equal (I include here the women as well, you do it anyway)
Nsiki: Men and women are equal (father and mother --> an uncle won't have more rights than an aunt, right?)
Entry: The hierarchy is based on RESPECT --> someone has to have the say in a way , and in this case it is the head of the family (mother and father).
Nsiki: The unmarried brothers/sisters live within this family clan and support it in every way (economical, help by children rearing..) --> composition of family

---> thus --> Everyone in an Eyelian "nest" watches out for one another. Everyone, from the smallest cub (Eyelian vernacular for child) to the oldest owl (a common epitaph for the wise elders) find a safe place to lay their heads at home, surrounded by a multitude of loving guardians, from familiars to uncles.

And now you can switch to occupation, how do the uncles and aunts help, what is the task of the children. clear paragraphs!

Children tend to be given simpler jobs, like cleaning, and chasing birds from the fields. The uncles and aunts often bring in supplementary income, and are expected to help guard the homestead in traditional communities. This supplementary income is often found in the form of substinance farming, small-game hunting, or perhaps free-lance work in certain crafts. Amantry is also a popular choice.The eldest members of the families tend to be too old to work. They instead act as peace keepers and wisdom-bringers for the younger Eyelians.
You Youngster! Even immobile old people do work! Or is peacekeeping no work?

What about: If an Eyelian gets too old to be able to do hard physical work (or is disabled by an accident) he still fulfills an useful task, maybe the most important within the community: They not only help guarding and educating the children, they are the peacekeepers and wisdom-bringers, they are those who conciliate between(?) families whenever a quarrel arises.

It is the younger Eyelians who often have the most varied job, and any Eyelian child quickly becomes a "jack-of-all-trades". We decided not to use this term, it is not Santharian enough For these children will of course learn their parents craft, as will a child in any culture. But in an Eyelian family, there are many crafts to be learned. For instance, many young girls pick up Amantry from their aunts, and boys learn the tasks of a sentinel from their uncles.
The task of sentinel is one extremely important to traditional Eyelian communities. These communities tend to be in isolated, rural, areas, without a battalion of soldiers within calling distance. Attacks can come from any direction. The coast brings pirates, the roads brigands, and the woods bring hungry wolves and giant rats.

Please, a better grouping, don't switch from one to the next
What are doing the
-parents
- unmarried aunts/brothers
- children
- old people

It is the role of these Alpha parents to support the very large Eyelian families. In older, traditional settlements, the parents are the hunters and gatherers, while in modern Eyelian homes, the parents are the primary workers, with live-in uncles and grandparents providing only a supplemental income, and that only rarely. However, everyone in an Eyelian family is expected to help in some way. And with a family as big as an Eyelian’s, tasks tend to get done!

OK --> rearrange this paragraph above, then it is easier to read!

Keep in mind, traditional and cosmopolitan families are drastically different. Traditional families tend to be part of a much greater whole, with the „entire pack raising the cub“as it were, while modern families are more often separated from other Eyelians. However, in cities with large Eyelian populations, the families often band together in ethnic neighborhoods. These „Tomo’odons“, or „whole worlds“, are very close-knit, and often feature beautiful parks and landscaping. They also feature unique "stables", also called "Tomo'ay'els". These stables are homes for the neighborhood's larger fammiliars. For instance, in an average Tomo'ay'el, one may find Gryphs, wolves, or even Tagers. In non-Eyelian cities, these areas are harshly guarded, mainly from the villagers' fears. The proximity to these dangerous creatures can indeed be a cause for fright. However, these Tomo'ay'els are becoming less common. The urbane Eyelian has adopted more socially acceptable fammiliars for the purpose of gaining trust and convince. These fammiliars often include completely mundane animals, like dogs and cats.

Put this at the end!
Eyelian families tend to follow a similar schedule. Meals tend to be very important, group, affairs. Over a dinner of roasted Taenish and Kellian, the elders share stories, often in the language of the beasts. While a large Eyelian family growling, clucking, snarling, and laughing may seem strange, it perhaps grows stranger as a wolf pads near, a pair of stormcrows settles in the rafters, and four tiny lizards scamper to their child masters. But this is an average Eyelian meal, and it happens three times a day.