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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #30 on: 21 June 2008, 14:31:26 »

Yep, that's definitely the best version - the piece of ground was very important, as it puts the whole animal in a context. Now it looks much more consistently drawn, the wing shadows are also fine now. :)
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #31 on: 21 June 2008, 19:05:50 »

Ok, so once I'm done with all the exam aftermath, I promise the entry itself will get a thorough looking-over and smoothing out - it's a delightful piece of writing which just needs a bit of editorial polish, and I shall be honored to do so.  Give me a couple of days yet, ok?
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #32 on: 22 June 2008, 17:11:08 »

Of course :D
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Tharoc Wargrider
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« Reply #33 on: 22 June 2008, 20:13:35 »

Well worth all the effort, Talia. It reminds me of one of the illustrations from an old zoological book.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #34 on: 01 July 2008, 04:30:43 »

Ok, some comments from here:

- It's a bit difficult to point things out at this entry, as it is written with a winking eye, based on a humorous Earthen beast that doesn't actually exist... So for example if you use the name "Sysdunekuatarepricshirnean" it is also with a winking eye, for the joke that is put in there, yet probably no scholar would refer to it with that name for reasons of impracticality. So the question is if these names should be declared as being used "jokingly". I'm not entirely sure, as you try to keep the Wlop a rather ambiguous creature, where some people seem to know them for sure and other just seem to laugh it away...  huh

- You explicitly write in your introduction that it shouldn't be mythical, yet the appearance could be practically everything, and there doesn't seem to be any case of an actually trapped Wlop. So I gather from that - correct me if I'm wrong - that, unlike at the Earthen version, you don't exclude the possibility that such a beast exists, yet it is still unlikely. Because there are so strong pointers in the mythical direction that they are impossible not to take them seriously... err... take them so seriously that you actually mean it not that serious. Uhm... Yeah. Hope you get what I mean...  cool

- You write in the Lore section that "Should a wlop come to death" and in the Special Abilities section you write "Most of the Foresthinger can fly, but you better not watch them doing so, for you will be in constant fear, that this beast will kill itself".  So it doesn't seem unlikely that these beasts are found dead, or further below we get even exact hunting advice... Some things especially in the Territory section however make it more mythical, e.g. that they live primarily around the people with "Darian blood" seems strange. Or why Serphelorians might give ambiguous answers is also somewhat unclear. - So there is a certain contradiction going on at the description of this beast, I'm not sure if the direction you want to go with the beast is supported by all sections of the entry. Maybe this could be tweaked a little more in the non-mythical direction?

- That they are nocturnal should perhaps be mentioned more prominently in the Overview as well, because this explains a lot why it isn't so easy to spot and hunt etc.

- How they get their - cooked - tuberroots isn't precisely clear to me... Do they have a kitchen somewhere out there?  shocked

- In general this is of course a very entertaining beast, with lots of funny ideas and references, right down until the last sections. Quite a refreshing read, sometimes I just have a few believablilty problems...  grin

- I also like these funny Earthen references e.g. when you explain the Bavarian/Baverian in the last paragraph. It's pretty much a huge Easter Egg in itself, the whole entry... :D
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« Reply #35 on: 01 July 2008, 10:22:52 »

Thank you, Art,  for reminding me that I owe the Wlop an overview as well!  Should I wait till you've adjusted those little consistency things, Talia, or do you want my comments at the same time so you can look at everything at once?
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #36 on: 01 July 2008, 15:35:39 »

Thanks for the check, Art.
Judy, please let me correct what Art has addressed above, then you only need to look over it one time ;)
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