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Paladin Killian
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« on: 02 March 2009, 02:24:06 »

The Original Post can be seen in the first thread. Directly under this message is my Key for the colors I have chosen to use while editing.
Teal = Member Comment based Changes.
Orange = Changes Made In General by myself.
Yellow = Section Names
Green = All changes based on availability of regional data.
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Gre'chero'ii "Gregory Firelance" Fi'irak'uu

Overview
Living from 1240-1330 A.S, this famous R'unorian inventor from the Blaar’kr tribe is historically known for his weaponry and time keeping devices. He is responsible for the creation of the infamous Firelance machine as well as many other devastating devices of war. He is the Second on his father's line to hold the first name Gre'chero'ii and fourth from his great grand fathers line to hold the surname Fi'irak'uu, though not much is known about the nomenclature of this region, his name is a clue to how the names of the male children are chosen. As he grew older however, he grew to dislike the subtleties of war and turned his talents to more peaceful applications. From age sixty-two onwards, he returned to his first occupation, creating accurate time pieces.

Appearance
(As taken from the Diary of His Wife Dris’niah)
During his earlier years, Gregory Firelance was said to be a “Stout young man, not muscular, but quite strong in his own way. His sandy-brown hair hangs low, longer than most men, and not particularly well groomed. Gregory's face, darker than most by being singed by the sun, is composed of a strong, slightly pointed nose, framed by inquisitive green eyes. His mouth was small and indifferent compared to the rest of his face. On his right cheek is a horrific scar caused by a work accident, where a blade was dropped onto him. The blade narrowly missed penetrating the skull but still gashed a deep wound into his cheek.
     
  "His hands are worn, and carry on them a constant roughness.” This according to his then fiancé, Dris’niah Rockleaf.
   
   However, as he grew older history recalls, he became less fit; though not overweight. He was not as healthy as before in his youth and it is possible this was brought on by the depression he entered when he began to regret his work. His hair changed, as with most people, to a gray colour, and he often wore it in a simple single braid ponytail, presumably to keep it out of the way as he worked. It is possible this change in hair colour made him feel further depressed.

He often dressed in simple clothes, mostly beiges or light, tan browns. “The way he dresses is without the usual tribal styling. He likes to wear simple clothes, and rarely wears more than a shirt and a jacket. Even on our wedding day, he wore a simple white shirt, and black trousers. The latter of these was covered in a sprinkling of sawdust. He does disappoint me, but I shall let him. He has a wonderful personality.” – Dris’niah Rockleaf

Personality
(As Taken from the Diary of Dris’niah Rockleaf)

Due to the line of his work, it would seem he would have been an aggressive person. However, as he was contracted to work in the military, he may not have been as cruel as his creations may reflect. It is likely he was under a lot of pressure to create the devices he did. In his later years he left the military to pursue a more peaceful life, creating timepieces. The main source we have about his personality is the diary of his wife. She wrote “Gregory is a loving man. While he may create the horrible machines he does, I highly doubt he would want to ever use them. In fact, I believe the only instance he would fight, would be to defend himself or his family. Some would name him a coward for not wanting to be in the military. Others, such as myself, would call him wise.”

He is known to have had few friends, but held those he did have dearly. This would show him to lean slightly towards being shy, or for the most part a loner. However, it is also possible his work put him under too much stress to keep many friends.

Gregory was known to take life seriously, though when in the mood appreciated humour. He was not one for rampant idiocy, but could take a joke. It possible his mother's death had a great impact on this side of his life, and her death at a party would explain this. His wife once said in her diary that the laughing of others may remind him, especially when he is not in a good mood, of the choking of his mother.
     This event must have affected him greatly for as the years have passed I have noticed the very different and even frightening changes in the way he acts towards anyone who so much as questions his theories. When in a good mood my dear husband would come home and greet me in the study before proceeding to his workshop. Now all he seems to do is Meet with generals, lords and tribal leaders from behind the stern metal doors of his workshop, we don't even eat dinner together anymore. I now wonder how he would react to the news that I have yet to bring myself to tell him, he's going to be a father.

    He's disappeared into his workshop again, this time four days have passed without my even seeing him. I think he may come out today and so this is when I will tell him of the arrival of his children. I only hope he forgives me for delaying telling him for so long.


Biography

(All dates in A.s)

1240 – Birth of Gregory – Gregory Firelance born at some time during in the city of R'unor. Born to a wealthy merchant and his wife, he was spoiled during his early years.

1240-1255 – Gregory's Childhood – Gregory enjoys a normal childhood. He is reported to have been a curious child, interested in the inner workings of things, and fairly creative, building small devices from metals, using a blacksmith in R'unor as his workshop, from age thirteen. At fourteen years old, his mother died of choking at a party the family were attending. Gregory's wife wrote later that she could rarely coax him to talk of the death, and when she could, she got very little information from him.

1256-1268 – Gregory's Early Career – Shying away from his father's encouragement to become a merchant, Gregory worked as a clockmaker, creating timepieces for the nobility. Well practiced in his trade, his shop was one of the more successful in the city. During this time, he also meets and weds his lifetime partner, Dris’niah Rockleaf.

1269-1290 – Enters Military - Gregory Firelance is contracted to invent new war machines for the R'unorian army. He upgrades many of the R'unorian's existing war machines, such as the ballista, to increase their power, and firing rate, via adding mechanical additions to them.

1291-1295 – Firelance Machine – Over four years, Gregory had the concept of, built prototypes of, and perfected the Firelance machine. Upon seeing it in use, in a small off-coast island, the military immediately began production.

1296 – Doubts – Gregory begins to have doubts about the practicality of the Firelance Machine. So far, the second machine has only just been made. Late in the year, Gregory becomes depressed, and wants to be done with his work on such unpractical weapons.

1296 – Partial Entry- Wife gives birth to twin sons, taken by Imperial Court for purpose of protection from… Remainder of entry torn out of journal.

1297 – Note Destruction – Gregory destroys his notes at the start of the year. The third Firelance machine that has just been commissioned is destroyed, as without the notes it will not be able to be completed. It is possible his spouse suggested doing this, as she wrote several times in her diary she disapproved of Gregory's work.

1297-1298 –Youngest Heir- Younger of twin sons returned home by Guards Council, as payment Gregory designed a new device to counter the effects of a Firelance machine. What has become of his eldest, and how did his brother come to be in the care of the Guards Council?

1298-1326 - Gregory retires and becomes a clockmaker again, reopening his old shop. He takes on a young boy, who is unnamed in all sources except the journal of a man who Gregory claims is his eldest son, as an apprentice. The man named by Gregory was none other than General Nather Mi’rezzar of the Guards Council. Sometime here his wife has also died, as entries in her diary cease from mid 1298 onward.

1327-1330 – Final Years – Gregory, in his final years, hands over his shop to his apprentice. Later in early 1331 he, seemingly dies peacefully of old age in his sleep.

The following is an excert from Guard Captain Steelhammer's Journal, Soldier working on Firelance Project.

1275 - I have been assigned to give aid to the knights in charge of investigating the the work of Captain Fi'irak'uu. In the time since he has been working on weapons for us there have been several reports of abandonment by his men, however none have been found anywhere within the borders of our lands, it would seem as if they had all but vanished.

1278 - After three years of near continuous investigation the I have learned that Captain Fi'irak'uu is far from a conventional thinker; he rants day and night as he works about a way to use a combination of magic and machinery to make himself as endless in life, as a watch measures time. His rants are a bit much to handle at times but he has managed to develop some vastly improved variants of our current weapons. His auto-ballista rapidly fires bolts held within a in tracked cartridge.

1285 - Captain Fi'irak'uu appears to be attempting to keep his home life as separate from the work he is doing for us as is possible. I can honestly say that the man that his wife seems to think that he is, well it's a different man entirely from who he really is. By her point of view he is kind and caring and wishes only to finish his work for the military so that he may retire and return to making his clocks. She has not seen the man who took a spy whom he captured and removed his bones while he was still alive and conscious.

1287 - Captain Fi'irak'uu has been charged with creating a siege engine that can be moved across a body of water without having to wait for a ship to carry it across or making use of a bridge. He makes use of this assignment by using it as a reason to request several scrolls and books from the royal libraries. I have recieved a new set of orders from the king today, I have been recalled to fight on the mainland.

1291 - I have been allowed to continue my investigation of Captain Fi'irak'uu who is in the process of building a device that he has promised will put an end to all enemies who appose the might of our kingdom. I have arrived back at his workshop to find that it has been deserted for some time, to make matters worse I have entered several rooms that I could not get near when I was first sent to investigate him. The good captain has been testing his new weapon designs on his own men and then reporting them as deserters. Though I doubt the king will believe me I have sent in a report  with all the same.

1292 - The king sends me instructions on how to get to the Aptly named Captain Firelance's work shop. He also sends instructions to by anymeans necessary make a copy of the plans for the captain's latest invention the Firelance Machine. I will do as ordered however inorder to make sure that they are not found by the captain and destroyed I am hiding my original copy in the guards barracks in the castle and then making several close but false copies to plant on a few of the good captain's most trusted men.

1294 - After making my copy of the plans I have learned the true purpose of the Firelance Machine. The Machine was designed to make it appear that it destroys all living targets in the destruction zone and has no other function however when the good Captain Toggled a lever labled power restore, the focus crystal focused some kind of magic energy into a pendant that he was wearing around his neck.

1295 - The King contracts Captain Firelance to build several more of the firelance machines after seeing how effective it was in the tests. Once again he focuses the Magic Energies into the pendant around his neck and then retires to his work shop.

1296 - Dris'niah is killed before my very eyes in a raid on the Captain's workshop, while the captain is away, I have sent word of the events to the king and word of his wife's death to Captain Firelance. He returns a day later and places the pendant into one of the firelance machines via a hidden recepticle. The machine begins to glow as it pours the energies into the dead body of his wife and then as if granted by the heavens she is brought back from the dead as if she had only slept. Could this be the true purpose behind the firelance machine? His wife once more walks among the living however she seems to not remember the Captain and insists that she must return to her village. The captain begins to talk of doubts in the machine ever being made to function the way he has designed it to.

1296 - 1297 - Captain Firelance seems to have worked his way back into the memories of his beloved wife, she bears him a pair of twin sons. The children are ordered taken from the Captain and his wife until the captain completes the construction of the third Firelance Machine.



Importance
Gregory Firelance was the inventor of one of the most evil and yet efficient war machines any sentient creature has ever created. He also upgraded many other weapons of the R'unorians.
« Last Edit: 31 May 2009, 08:54:35 by Paladin Killian » Logged
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #1 on: 04 March 2009, 06:55:35 »

What you have so far is pretty good, Killian! :D BTW: Arin popped up yesterday and PMed me that it's perfectly fine that you continue the work he has started as he got entangled in exam stress lately. He hopes to show up in summer again, so let's see if we'll get some more of his works then. - But back to the entry:

If you want to persue the way that he worked for the Santharian military (up north somewhere, in former Erpheronian territory, see the entry on this militaritic tribe), then don't forget to mention that prominently in the Overview part as well!

Also the explanation on the name thing we discussed over PM should be put there in the Overview.

The first sentence in eth second paragraph in Appearance isn't right:

Quote
His hands are worn, and carry on them a constant roughness.” by his then fiancé, Dris’niah Rockleaf.

It should also be explained a bit more why Gregory worked on such machines, despite they were so deadly. Maybe because he was just obsessed with the technical part of getting such a huge device done, so that was the challenge for him?

So what you have looks nice already, some polishing, additions here and there - and if the rest of the entry continues that way this will be a lovely addition to the Compendium, Kilian! :)
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Paladin Killian
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« Reply #2 on: 22 April 2009, 15:28:34 »

Sorry for not being on lately been busy with work and the baby. have been tossing around a few additions offline for the entry and later this week I will be updating the entry on the thread. Just wanted everyone to know that I have not forgotten about you and that I will try to make sure that the entry meets expectations when I log back in later this week. Thanks for your patience and understanding...

                                                 Sincerely,
                                                                Killian  grin
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« Reply #3 on: 22 April 2009, 15:34:30 »

Yay! Looking forward to see this finished!  grin
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« Reply #4 on: 13 May 2009, 02:28:56 »

You should always update the first post with the most recent version, Killian - and then at the end post if you're done and await new comments or what you've done and where you still need to do something, require help etc. Otherwise we don't really know how far you've progressed.
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« Reply #5 on: 19 June 2009, 00:02:00 »

Okay its not perfect, but My computer has been shakey lately which makes login difficult. Here is what I have come up with for basics, if more details are needed please reply and let me know where they are lacking. I think that it is ready for some real critique but I will leave it to my fellow dreamers. sorry for yet more absence.
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« Reply #6 on: 19 June 2009, 04:01:06 »

A-ha! The Paladin's back! :) Though you've gone missing in action in a Santharian border war against some orcs or something, but yet, voilŕ, here you are! grin

Some comments ahead! On all sections except the Biography, as this needs to be adjusted to past tense - this is how we have it everywhere else at People entries (or at least should have)!

- You write:

Quote
During his earlier years, Gregory Firelance was said to be a “Stout young man, not muscular, but quite strong in his own way. His sandy-brown hair hangs low..."

It's a bit strange to do such a tenses change here the way you do it. Maybe separate the tenses properly by making two hole sentences and use the same tense outside the quote and maybe another one inside, but make sure that people know what's where Also you go on in the next sentences with past tense, and it isn't clear when the diary quote ends. Just make sure to quote properly and to use consistent tense. This also is valid for the Rockleaf quote.

- "gray" we usually write "grey" here - ancient/British spelling

- At the Rocklead quote at the end of the Appearance section it's also no clear what you're referring to when you write that "he does disappoint me, but I shall let him". At least at this

- In Personality you could add to the quote of his wife that he perhaps is just a perfectionist, which is one of the main reason he creates these devices.

- Something to fix:

Quote
It is possible that his mother's death had a great impact on this side of his life, and her death at a party would explain this.

- His wife's quote at the end of Personality also isn't marked as such.

- Biography parts need to be in past tense - so make sure to adjust that! I'll check this part once that is adjusted.

- Importance section is a little short and basic.
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« Reply #7 on: 20 June 2009, 02:36:24 »

Hello, Paladin I am Mifer, and I'm going to give this entry a good look over.  As you can see my commentary will be in orange.

Gre'chero'ii "Gregory Firelance" Fi'irak'uu

Overview
Living from 1240-1330 A.S, this famous R'unorian inventor from the Blaar’kr tribe is historically known for his weaponry and time keeping devices. He is responsible for the creation of the infamous Firelance machine as well as many other devastating devices of war. He is the Second on (Perhaps 'in' or 'from' would work better than 'on' here) his father's line to hold the first name Gre'chero'ii and fourth from his great grand fathers line to hold the surname Fi'irak'uu, (I would suggest separating this into two separate sentences here, or if you would like a semi-colon would do just fine.) though not much is known about the nomenclature of this region, his name is a clue to how the names of the male children are chosen. As he grew older however, he grew (Because "he grew" is already used in this sentence I would suggest that you say something along the lines of As he grew older, however, he developed a dislike for the....) to dislike the subtleties of war and turned his talents to more peaceful applications. At the age of sixty-two he returned to his first occupation, creating accurate time pieces, and thus he continued to do for the rest of his life.

I enjoy your broad imagination and creative scope here, and overall this is a great overview; however, there are a few problems with the flow of your sentences, and I hope to have helped you out in that regard.  Only in the very last sentence did I actually make direct changes, because I do no want you to feel like I am trying to tear your entry apart.  In fact, that last sentence is the only sentence I will change like that, and I only did so as a reference for you to use when I talk about sentence flow.  I hope that you understand my intention as it is, and do not feel as if I am attacking your writing style.  As far as style is concerned I will give suggestions, but every writer is a different creature and it is not my place to tell you how to write. With the details and imaginative scope of this entry it could easily be numbered among the elite such entries in Santharia, and I hope to help it reach a state of easy reading which contributes to your creative details in a positive way.  As you can see i am a bit long-winded, and for that I offer my apologies.

Appearance
(As taken from the Diary of His Wife Dris’niah)

As this is supposed to be from an entry in Dris'niah's diary, I do not think that you need to say "...Gregory Firleance was said to be..."; instead, you could just say something like: The first time I laid eyes on Gregory Firelance I didn't see the lack of muscular definition in his stout body, for I was so attracted to his obvious inner strength that what I saw looked to be a giant among men. Starting something like this helps to lend credit to the idea that it was taken from her diary. This will also help you to solve your tense issues in this paragraph.  As far as his actual appearance, you've painted a very detailed and intriguing picture with your words here.

During his earlier years, Gregory Firelance was said to be a “Stout young man, not muscular, but quite strong in his own way. His sandy-brown hair hangs low, longer than most men, and not particularly well groomed. Gregory's face, darker than most by (saying, 'as a result of being singed by the sun' might help the flow a little bit here) being singed by the sun, is composed of a strong, slightly pointed nose, framed by inquisitive green eyes. His mouth is small and indifferent (Perhaps 'unspectacular' or some such word would work better than indifferent here.) compared to the rest of his face. On his right cheek is a horrific scar caused by a work accident, where a blade was dropped onto him. The blade narrowly missed penetrating the skull but still gashed a deep wound into his cheek.
     
  "His hands are worn, and carry on them a constant roughness.” This according to his then fiancé, Dris’niah Rockleaf. As you already said this was drawn from her diary, and I don't think that you need to cite her here as well.
   
   However, as he grew older history recalls, he became less fit; though not overweight. He was not as healthy as before in his youth and it is possible this was brought on by the depression he entered when he began to regret his work. His hair changed, as with most people, to a gray colour, and he often wore it in a simple single braid ponytail, presumably to keep it out of the way as he worked. It is possible this change in hair colour made him feel further depressed.

He often dressed in simple clothes, mostly beiges or light, tan browns. “The way he dresses is without the usual tribal styling. He likes to wear simple clothes, and rarely wears more than a shirt and a jacket. Even on our wedding day, he wore a simple white shirt, and black trousers. The latter of these was covered in a sprinkling of sawdust. He does disappoint me, but I shall let him. He has a wonderful personality.” – Dris’niah Rockleaf

Ok, I'm a little confused here. At the beginning you say that his is from her diary, but tense changes and direct quotes imply that perhaps much of this is being paraphrased. Is this the case? If so, I suggest that you make the whole thing a direct quote as this will make the section easier to read and understand.

Personality
(As Taken from the Diary of Dris’niah Rockleaf)

Due to the line of his work, it would seem he would have been an aggressive person. However, as he was contracted to work in the military, he may not have been as cruel as his creations may reflect. It is likely he was under a lot of pressure to create the devices he did. In his later years he left the military to pursue a more peaceful life, creating timepieces. The main source we have about his personality is the diary of his wife. She wrote “Gregory is a loving man. While he may create the horrible machines he does, I highly doubt he would want to ever use them. In fact, I believe the only instance he would fight, would be to defend himself or his family. Some would name him a coward for not wanting to be in the military. Others, such as myself, would call him wise.”

He is known to have had few friends, but held those he did have dearly. This would show him to lean slightly towards being shy, or for the most part a loner. However, it is also possible his work put him under too much stress to keep many friends.

Gregory was known to take life seriously, though when in the mood appreciated humour. He was not one for rampant idiocy, but could take a joke. It possible his mother's death had a great impact on this side of his life, and her death at a party would explain this. His wife once said in her diary that the laughing of others may remind him, especially when he is not in a good mood, of the choking of his mother.
     This event must have affected him greatly for as the years have passed I have noticed the very different and even frightening changes in the way he acts towards anyone who so much as questions his theories. When in a good mood my dear husband would come home and greet me in the study before proceeding to his workshop. Now all he seems to do is Meet with generals, lords and tribal leaders from behind the stern metal doors of his workshop, we don't even eat dinner together anymore. I now wonder how he would react to the news that I have yet to bring myself to tell him, he's going to be a father.

    He's disappeared into his workshop again, this time four days have passed without my even seeing him. I think he may come out today and so this is when I will tell him of the arrival of his children. I only hope he forgives me for delaying telling him for so long.

Take a look at my comments on the appearance section, and you'll have an idea of my suggestions for this section as well. Again, I must praise your creative scope her, and compliment your ability to paint a vivid picture.

Biography

(All dates in A.s)

1240 – Birth of Gregory – Gregory Firelance born at some time during in the city of R'unor. Born to a wealthy merchant and his wife, he was spoiled during his early years.

1240-1255 – Gregory's Childhood – Gregory enjoys a normal childhood. He is reported to have been a curious child, interested in the inner workings of things, and fairly creative, building small devices from metals, using a blacksmith in R'unor as his workshop, from age thirteen. At fourteen years old, his mother died of choking at a party the family were attending. Gregory's wife wrote later that she could rarely coax him to talk of the death, and when she could, she got very little information from him.

1256-1268 – Gregory's Early Career – Shying away from his father's encouragement to become a merchant, Gregory worked as a clockmaker, creating timepieces for the nobility. Well practiced in his trade, his shop was one of the more successful in the city. During this time, he also meets and weds his lifetime partner, Dris’niah Rockleaf.

1269-1290 – Enters Military - Gregory Firelance is contracted to invent new war machines for the R'unorian army. He upgrades many of the R'unorian's existing war machines, such as the ballista, to increase their power, and firing rate, via adding mechanical additions to them.

1291-1295 – Firelance Machine – Over four years, Gregory had the concept of, built prototypes of, and perfected the Firelance machine. Upon seeing it in use, in a small off-coast island, the military immediately began production.

1296 – Doubts – Gregory begins to have doubts about the practicality of the Firelance Machine. So far, the second machine has only just been made. Late in the year, Gregory becomes depressed, and wants to be done with his work on such unpractical weapons.

1296 – Partial Entry- Wife gives birth to twin sons, taken by Imperial Court for purpose of protection from… Remainder of entry torn out of journal.

1297 – Note Destruction – Gregory destroys his notes at the start of the year. The third Firelance machine that has just been commissioned is destroyed, as without the notes it will not be able to be completed. It is possible his spouse suggested doing this, as she wrote several times in her diary she disapproved of Gregory's work.

1297-1298 –Youngest Heir- Younger of twin sons returned home by Guards Council, as payment Gregory designed a new device to counter the effects of a Firelance machine. What has become of his eldest, and how did his brother come to be in the care of the Guards Council?

1298-1326 - Gregory retires and becomes a clockmaker again, reopening his old shop. He takes on a young boy, who is unnamed in all sources except the journal of a man who Gregory claims is his eldest son, as an apprentice. The man named by Gregory was none other than General Nather Mi’rezzar of the Guards Council. Sometime here his wife has also died, as entries in her diary cease from mid 1298 onward.

1327-1330 – Final Years – Gregory, in his final years, hands over his shop to his apprentice. Later in early 1331 he, seemingly dies peacefully of old age in his sleep.

The following is an excert from Guard Captain Steelhammer's Journal, Soldier working on Firelance Project.

1275 - I have been assigned to give aid to the knights in charge of investigating the the work of Captain Fi'irak'uu. In the time since he has been working on weapons for us there have been several reports of abandonment by his men, however none have been found anywhere within the borders of our lands, it would seem as if they had all but vanished.

1278 - After three years of near continuous investigation the I have learned that Captain Fi'irak'uu is far from a conventional thinker; he rants day and night as he works about a way to use a combination of magic and machinery to make himself as endless in life, as a watch measures time. His rants are a bit much to handle at times but he has managed to develop some vastly improved variants of our current weapons. His auto-ballista rapidly fires bolts held within a in tracked cartridge.

1285 - Captain Fi'irak'uu appears to be attempting to keep his home life as separate from the work he is doing for us as is possible. I can honestly say that the man that his wife seems to think that he is, well it's a different man entirely from who he really is. By her point of view he is kind and caring and wishes only to finish his work for the military so that he may retire and return to making his clocks. She has not seen the man who took a spy whom he captured and removed his bones while he was still alive and conscious.

1287 - Captain Fi'irak'uu has been charged with creating a siege engine that can be moved across a body of water without having to wait for a ship to carry it across or making use of a bridge. He makes use of this assignment by using it as a reason to request several scrolls and books from the royal libraries. I have recieved a new set of orders from the king today, I have been recalled to fight on the mainland.

1291 - I have been allowed to continue my investigation of Captain Fi'irak'uu who is in the process of building a device that he has promised will put an end to all enemies who appose the might of our kingdom. I have arrived back at his workshop to find that it has been deserted for some time, to make matters worse I have entered several rooms that I could not get near when I was first sent to investigate him. The good captain has been testing his new weapon designs on his own men and then reporting them as deserters. Though I doubt the king will believe me I have sent in a report  with all the same.

1292 - The king sends me instructions on how to get to the Aptly named Captain Firelance's work shop. He also sends instructions to by anymeans necessary make a copy of the plans for the captain's latest invention the Firelance Machine. I will do as ordered however inorder to make sure that they are not found by the captain and destroyed I am hiding my original copy in the guards barracks in the castle and then making several close but false copies to plant on a few of the good captain's most trusted men.

1294 - After making my copy of the plans I have learned the true purpose of the Firelance Machine. The Machine was designed to make it appear that it destroys all living targets in the destruction zone and has no other function however when the good Captain Toggled a lever labled power restore, the focus crystal focused some kind of magic energy into a pendant that he was wearing around his neck.

1295 - The King contracts Captain Firelance to build several more of the firelance machines after seeing how effective it was in the tests. Once again he focuses the Magic Energies into the pendant around his neck and then retires to his work shop.

1296 - Dris'niah is killed before my very eyes in a raid on the Captain's workshop, while the captain is away, I have sent word of the events to the king and word of his wife's death to Captain Firelance. He returns a day later and places the pendant into one of the firelance machines via a hidden recepticle. The machine begins to glow as it pours the energies into the dead body of his wife and then as if granted by the heavens she is brought back from the dead as if she had only slept. Could this be the true purpose behind the firelance machine? His wife once more walks among the living however she seems to not remember the Captain and insists that she must return to her village. The captain begins to talk of doubts in the machine ever being made to function the way he has designed it to.

1296 - 1297 - Captain Firelance seems to have worked his way back into the memories of his beloved wife, she bears him a pair of twin sons. The children are ordered taken from the Captain and his wife until the captain completes the construction of the third Firelance Machine.

I really enjoyed reading this biography as it was very intriguing. Might I suggest, however, that you go back through and make sure that all of the entries are complete sentences.  As a whole this is a very well written entry, and I look forward to reading more work from your hand. Have fun!! clap

Importance
Gregory Firelance was the inventor of one of the most evil and yet efficient war machines any sentient creature has ever created. He also upgraded many other weapons of the R'unorians.
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #8 on: 20 June 2009, 03:24:24 »

Comments regarding the Nybelmarian side of things to come tonight/tomorrow! :)
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« Reply #9 on: 21 July 2009, 17:18:30 »

Hello Everyone I need to apologize about my abscence, I have been working on the entry mostly offline to try and fix the tenses with which the entry reads. The other reason I have been away is my internet is a lil shacky at the moment so I have to either rely on use of the local library or my time at school. I am working dilligently to correct the problems that I have run into with the post and must apologize again both for my Absence and for the length of time it is taking me to complete this entry... Best Luck and wishes to all will hope to complete this entry soon.

Killian..
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #10 on: 22 July 2009, 03:15:53 »

Good to hear from you again, Killian! As far as your internet is concerned: You can always put the entry in a text editor, prepare it there and then just paste it if your internet lets you ;) At any rate I'm looking forward to further additions to finally get this one on site!  grin
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