* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1]
Print
Author Topic: GCSE Poetry Live Competition  (Read 1256 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Sicillia Lock
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12


View Profile
« on: 22 May 2009, 02:36:16 »

Hello everyone, it has been years since I last visited Santharia, so I bet no one will remember me. I created a new account because I wanted to start a new beginning; Santharia helped me through some very hard times in the past. Getting the chance to write poetry and my work being appreciated, I love this community and always will.
Anyway, back to the point, there is a competition in the Britain that happens every year for GCSE students to enter there poems. This year I decided to take part. This is my entry...


The human condition



What of us Apes?

An epidemic case called the human race,

We be with two arms,

And two of these transporters,

Opposable thumbs for flipping those quarters,

A little thing called our ticker,

So no need for any grave digger,

All that vitamin D make them too happy,

The rest of us gotta rely on some cocoa bean,

That be feeding our addictive personality,

What a shame it be clogging up your artery,

Everyone of us the same we would be,

Were it not for a little thing called reality,

A concept of the human mind,

Another symptom of our kind,

It gives words to my tongue,

It helps me grow from being young,

Although I may be a strange contraption,

I don’t really mind this human condition.


What do you think? Is there anything I could have done better?
Logged

... I reach towards a hatch that opens on an endless sky to fall or fly.
The AMAZING Simon Armitage.
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #1 on: 22 May 2009, 04:29:09 »

Interesting, thought-provoking poem, Letitia... I mean Aroura. :)

Some things I've noticed:

- You talk about "we" and "our", then you say that Vitamin D makes "them" happy, so that's a bit inconsistent.

- Some passages sound a bit bumpy as the scheme is a bit uneven. And some rhymes don't work that well, like "ticker" and "digger". Though that might depend on how you pronounce it. At the end I think "contraption" is meant to rhyme with "condition", though that doesn't work for me.

- You also seem to suggest that "the thing called reality" is a concept of the "human mind", which brings up the question if animals don't have a reality following that logic... So that part is a bit tricky with its assumption. Maybe "reality" is not the ideal word?

So much about my thoughts - the idea itself is definitely quite cool, but it could still use some polish to get what you mean across in a more precise way I'd say :)
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Sicillia Lock
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: 22 May 2009, 05:10:35 »

You got me... Wow am I really that obvious? grin
It has certainly been a while.

Anyway, thank you for your comments, you are certainly right I need to polish up my writing, since stepping out of the writing community for a while it has become very raw so I suppose it is time to get back on track.
Well starting with the first comment, I can see where you are coming from with that, but I suppose that was really supposed to be a bit of a pick at the British weather, or any other country with bad weather. Where I put “grave digger” I am sure you are aware I mean “Sad Australian”, then I kind of went on to say that how they get so much nice weather while we are left with all this rain, so how can they be sad. It is basically a bit of word play, and I suppose the “we” and “them” refers to all of us left in the cold, rain and wind.
The second comment, I suppose I have no excuse for bumpy writing rolleyes . If I am completely honest, I never actually meant for this poem to rhyme, so kind of weird that it came out that way. When I was writing it, I was mainly thinking about how I would read it, which I suppose is one of my many downfalls. I kind of go from doing it very quick, really quite “street” that is the middle section, and towards the end I slow down, soften and go into a more “posh” voice. I suppose that kind of adds to the diversity thing. Still I will try and work on that, smooth it out to make for easier reading.
Well the last bit is something that I myself have been very interested in for a number of years, what is “reality”. Is there one set reality for all, or does every living being possess there own reality, we could never see through another person’s mind, we will never know what others see, what they feel. Do we all experience the same world? Does the world create our minds? Or do our minds create the world?
But thank you very much for all your comments I will take them on board, and certainly work on improving my creation.
Thankk you again  :)
Logged

... I reach towards a hatch that opens on an endless sky to fall or fly.
The AMAZING Simon Armitage.
Bard Judith
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 365
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7.650


Dwarvenmistress


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #3 on: 22 May 2009, 12:42:12 »

May I make one suggestion, just regarding the name?  We have an 'Aurora' already, and it might be very easy to confuse that with 'Aroura', lovely though the name is.  Perhaps a combination of your old handle and this one - people will welcome you as either a newcomer or an old hand, so don't worry about 'a fresh start'.... :)

Leloura?   Aratitia?   Leli Lock?   Just a thought - because, after all, a rose by any other name is still a rose!   Welcome back!

Hugs from the Bard,
Judith
Logged

"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Sicillia Lock
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12


View Profile
« Reply #4 on: 22 May 2009, 14:57:51 »

Thank you for the warm welcome, it feels like I have hardly been away now. It is lovely to hear from people who I have been away from for so long. *Hugs*
Interesting suggestion, well I suppose... Any opportunity to be creative.  :)
I will have to think about it though... *walks off, sits at a table and starts scrambling letters around on a piece of paper* 
 noidea

Oh by the way, can I just ask what that Gained Aura thing is all about?
I don't remember that.
« Last Edit: 22 May 2009, 15:25:11 by Sicillia Lock » Logged

... I reach towards a hatch that opens on an endless sky to fall or fly.
The AMAZING Simon Armitage.
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #5 on: 22 May 2009, 16:00:39 »

If you've reached more than 100 posts you can give other members an aura point if you like what they've done (be it entry, picture, music, poem, whatever), or if they helped you with a thorough comment etc. So this in a way measures your Santharian involvement :)
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Pages: [1]
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144590
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 45
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 32
Total: 32

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx