* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: 1 [2] 3
Print
Author Topic: Gibbering Madness (Gibbering Obscurity Redux)  (Read 10887 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #15 on: 11 November 2009, 09:21:34 »

I can try to cross reference the later two points, but a link or two might help in understanding the whole "to'avatars" idea, and it would help a lot if the Mist Hunters WIP had a bit more to it.
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Azhira Styralias
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 132
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2.774


Mddley


View Profile
« Reply #16 on: 11 November 2009, 12:46:40 »

You don't really need to know every detail about the to'avatars (unless you want to, and in that case, I'll gladly share  :D). Just a simple cross reference mentioning them. I'll get some more info for you.
Logged

No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #17 on: 12 November 2009, 09:48:06 »

I prefer not to reference things without at least a cursory understanding of them Azhira. Saves time if I'm not botching what they do should I try for more than a simple reference. Dropping names is really just cluttering the entry after all.
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Rookie Brownbark
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 71
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1.137


Researcher of all Things Brownie


View Profile
« Reply #18 on: 24 November 2009, 05:24:51 »

Hey Valan, love the idea and I finally got round to reading it, so I thought I'd leave some suggestions/thoughts for you.  Enjoy!

- what are these secondary effects and if they are no less debilitating than the true affliction, how are they less severe?

- I'm not sure I understand why you'd just leave an afflicted loved one to die - they're still a loved one after all.

- I like the story about the stone carver....well, the idea of him setting himself on fire is a bit ick but the rest is great! :)  Maybe add in a bit to explain setting himself on fire - he was said to have thought this would turn him into one of the netherworld beasts or something? (Just the first idea that popped into my head)

- why did Amrildul die?  Is the affliction infectious?  Also how would they only notice he was dead after a month?  Surely they would have to feed him at some point, empty his toilet, that sort of thing?

- was the storm the dwarves faced part of the mists or something else?
Logged

Diminutive and crunchable
Brownie Board
Development Schedule

Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 192
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.318



View Profile
« Reply #19 on: 29 November 2009, 07:47:29 »

Hi Valan,

I like the changes you made in response to my comments - although I find Rookie's additional points well worth considering.

One other thing, which I've mentioned before, but maybe not clearly enough: I think you need to add a section called "Prevalence", in which you tell us where Gibbering Madness has been known to occur, and approximately how frequent or common it is. This section doesn't need to be long, but I think its contents constitute vital information. Prevalence is a standard category for myths and diseases (although compendiumists call it "Endemic" in the latter case), and I think it should be one for "Spiritual Afflictions", too. You could place a "Prevalence" section between "Treatment" and "Lore", for example?
Logged

The greatest danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
Ding-dong!
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #20 on: 29 November 2009, 09:01:36 »

Prevalence section is in there. Working on integrating the Kaaer and other tribes a little better.
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #21 on: 12 December 2009, 12:44:09 »

For ill or for good, I've finished with this...  for now. grin

*ducks the volley of problems preemptively
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Rayne (Alr)
Dreamress
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 117
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 4.466



View Profile
« Reply #22 on: 12 December 2009, 14:37:29 »

This color!


Name: Gibbering Madness, Mist Madness

Categorisation: Miscellaneous / Diseases (Affliction of the Soul)

Overview:
The Mists surrounding the Tower of Osthemangar are said to harbour truly horrible abominations and perversions of nature--creatures that no living being should ever behold, lest they be driven mad by the revelation. [This sentence was a fragment--adding in that dash will turn it into a summative modifier and make it grammatically sound. You could also make it a comma, if you prefer!] That is of course the crux of the Gibbering Madness, an affliction that rends the very mind of the sufferer, reducing them to little more than a crumpled husk. [Frightening! Strong wording, but I like it!]

Source:
The Gibbering Madness seems to affect those that who encounter within the Mists of Osthemangar something that unhinges the mind within the Mists of Osthemangar, be it a spectre or apparition of some sort or a very real monstrosity dwelling within the Mists. ["within the Mists of Osthemangar" is an adverbial modifier for "encounter," and so I moved it closer to that which it modifies. Also, if they encounter this something in the Mists, it is implied that the something dwells in the Mists--you don't need that modifier.] Afflictions similar to Mist Madness have been witnessed by those subjected to other terrifying events, [This clause is a bit strange. You have the people who are effected by the affliction being witness to the affliction. Maybe instead of "witnessed" you mean "experienced"? I'm not entirely sure what you mean here.] particularly those related to the more recondite branches of magic [Did you have any of these branches in mind? I can't think of what branch of Ximaxian magic you might refer to--at least in terms of being recondite to a degree.] or those involved in situations of extreme isolation and pressure.

Tales of apostates suddenly breaking down into madness and spouting nonsense are not uncommon among some religious orders, often leading to the request that someone put the poor soul out of their misery [Would this only apply to apostates, or any overly zealous or obsessively religious individual?]. Rumors persist of some groups practicing a ghastly rite before inhuming their dead which is sad to conclude with the removal and subsequent cremation of the tongue. [I don't understand how this sentence relates to the last. How does burying the dead relate to killing a an apostate? I don't see why religious factions would even deal with apostates--this is a person who abandons or renounces their religion.] This ritual is often mentioned in hushed tones along with such names as the True Vision Cult, or the Voidwalkers.

Scholars of various stripes [I might use a different word than "stripes," as it does not quite convey the same tone as the rest of this piece--perhaps "disciplines" or "scholarly fields" or somethingdebate whether or not the supposed influence of the Netherworld within the Mists of Osthemangar is the root cause [You don't need both "root" and "cause"--chose one and scrap the other.] of the affliction, and whether or not this affliction does anything to spread that influence. [Does this mean to say that scholars debate over whether or not the affliction is contageous?]
Effects:
Sufferers of Mist Madness are reduced to mere shells of their former selves. Often they will refuse to leave a given spot, becoming highly reclusive and even hermit-like [highly reclusive = hermit-like]. They may be possessed of abstruse fears and compulsions, such as keeping lights lit at all hours. [I wouldn't call this abstruse--after all, little children often want the lights on at all hours.] These compulsions take a very real hold over their fragmented thoughts [I would expand on this--how are their thoughts fragmented?], often leading them to ignore things as elementary as sleep or food. The "secondary" forms of Gibbering Madness are said to be less severe than the "true" affliction garnered in the Mists, but no less debilitating for their supposed "dilution". [It might be nice if you could elucidate more on the difference between secondary and primary or "true" forms of this affliction. What characterizes the two? There is also no mention of time as a factor in contraction of this affliction. Do these primary and secondary forms correspond to time spent in the Mists?]

Treatment: Treatment of the afflicted by Mindsmoothers has done little. [The way this sentence is phrased implies that, while Mindsmoothers can do very little, others can. Perhaps you might be more general in this opening sentence: Once the Gibbering Madness is contracted, very little can be done to assuage its terrible effects." Or something along those lines. Then describe details concerning specific groups, like Mindsmoothers.] Whatever the injury to the mind of those struck with Mist Madness, it is too great for even these mystics to even begin to repair. [This sentence is a little convoluted: The mental injuries inflicted by the Gibbering Madness are too great for even the these skilled mystics to repair." Still needs work, but something like that!] Most often, the afflicted are left to their own devices, and will often die without anyone noticing. Some, including the Osther-Oc of Northern Sarvonia, will outright kill those who become mad in the Mists. The Kaaer'Dar'Shin people of Northern Sarvonia attempt (quite successfully apparently) to ward off the affliction altogether (quite successfully apparently) by wearing protective charms which they call to'avatars. [I moved the parenthetical phrase to avoid splitting the infinitive.]

Prevalence
Mist Madness is commonly associated with Caael'heroth and the Mists of Osthemangar, which surround the Deep Winds Portal, but cases have been found in isolated areas of Northern Sarvonia, among the Osther-Oc, the Kurakim and there are even some sporadic cases of Remusians and Epheronians contracting it. Mist Madness has been observed in Santharia and elsewhere, but it is surely less common there than it is in the North.
["Surely less common" begs for an explanation! Why is it, not just less common, but surely less common?]

Myth/Lore:
Much of the study of this affliction comes from a solitary Thergerim scholar who lived with the so called Mad Kurakim Amrildul IshHlazil who believed he had encountered what he called a Gibbering Obscurity (a tharianization from the original Thergerim Taal: KodeniArilpra, Blasphemous Twilight), as it is referred to by the "witness"[1]. [You have quite a number of phrases here that it's hard to tell who's who. Consider breaking this sentence down somehow or finding a way to make it clearer who is doing what.]

IshHlazil, until entering the Mists sometime in late 1570 a.S, was a stone carver. Purported to have gone in search of better stone from which to carve his wares, he came back muttering to himself. At first, the madness only manifested in his carvings, which became increasingly more bizzare. At the pinnicle of his affliction, he began depicting things which should likely only be found in the darkest corners of the Netherworld towards the end of this phase. His shop began to pile up with these disturbing objects, which soon caused him to be called before an authority. [Was he called because things began to pile up (what this sentences currently implies) or because he was producing increasingly disturbing carvings?] Before being dragged bodily into a cell, IshHlazil was reported to have set himself aflame with a spirit lamp, and proceeded to set his shop and several bystanders on fire before being forcibly doused. Conflicting reports suggest that the mad dwarf may have been trying to purge himself of a perceived impurity. As with many of his actions, nothing can be proven of IshHlazil's temporary conflagration.

The infamous Amrildul died in 1578 a.S. at the age of 65. Exact dating is difficult to determine, since his body was only discovered by the tremendous smell of decay emanating from the cell where he was kept. [You give exact dates in telling this story. You also tell it in a way that implies that this was all reported.]  Judging by its state, Amrildul may have been dead a month before anyone noticed. [But you say that he had set himself, his shop, and several others on fire. I'm confused here.] Thankfully for this chronicler, there were some Eyashenes as well as a Kurakim healer that took an interest in IshHlazis mad ravings and recorded some of the more lucid portions of his speech. Several copies of these notes were burned as heresy by Kurakim religious authorities, including one set that was the subject of a mob tearing it to pieces before turning on its scribe.

The following fragmentary report was found in the possession of a rather elderly Kurakim dwarf, whos father acquired it from the original author circa 1230 a.S. [But he died in 1578 a.S., which comes after 1230 a.S. (Unless you actually meant b.S.?)] While the document was translated to Tharian, sections of it were left untranslated at the request of the owner, in particular the names of the dwarves involved and the location of their unfortunate quarry.

It was truly horrific. The five of us had gone to see what had become of young []. We found his body frozen out in the []
His hand, frozen with an ever accusing finger, led us to a box canyon. [This is probably just me--but what is a box canyon?] We turned back, having found nothing. We paid no heed to the wind, thinking it was nothing more than the strangeness of the place, and the late hour at which we were choosing to return. Little did we know how wrong we were.

A storm came down on us from out of a seemingly clear sky. We managed to huddle in a cave, though the storm wailed about for three days. None of us slept. We had little enough food and water, and no fire. In what must have been the middle of the third day [...] began to mutter to himself. We could not hear his whispers, whatever grim portents they were of things to come.

That evening he began yelling in a loud voice The Shadow Dog! It feasts on fear! It slakes its thirst on panic! It devours the sun! Its eyes are as the endless void, Its mouth a gaping cavern! With a cry he fell on [...] with his axe, taking him by surprise. He slew him and turned his fell gaze then upon [...] who managed to take three steps away from him before falling to the macabre fiend that had possessed our companion. "It demands! Flesh!" He cried as another swing saw a third laid low, my own father.

Taking hold of his axe, I managed to wrest it from his grasp and hewed through his arm. As I made to kill him, he screamed a ghastly scream, a noise I fear I may never forget though I live to see the beginning and end of a new age." [CREEPY! You tell this story far too well!]

[1]The chronicler would inform the reader of the lack of solid reports regarding the veracity of the information provided on the individual in question. Much of IshHlazil's raving was incoherent and those parts that could be distinguished were scarcely things to make sense of including the assertion that the patient was "a small evil pie made of mushrooms and dirt". This has continued to puzzle some philosophers, who question whether or not it is the pie or it's filling that was meant to be considered evil, and how exactly a pastry might be considered evil. [ lol ]

[The story of Amrildul IshHlazil is a good addition, but I have trouble following the time-line you present. I don't know if there is one or multiple Amrildul IshHlazil, or who is who. I'm really confused about who is doing what, and who lived before whom.]
Logged

"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #23 on: 12 February 2010, 01:04:19 »

Apologies if this has taken a while, but I'm at my wit's end here. Would you mind rephrasing this Rayne? I'm a mere layperson when it comes to maters linguistic, and the way you've worded your commentary here has me quite thoroughly befuddled.
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Rayne (Alr)
Dreamress
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 117
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 4.466



View Profile
« Reply #24 on: 12 February 2010, 10:34:56 »

There are a lot of comments in there. Perhaps you can pick out specific ones you do not understand? Also, some of the comments [in brackets] refer to explanations for why I made the changes I did. Unless you're curious about the stylistic or grammatical reasons behind the suggested changes, you can ignore these explanations.
Logged

"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #25 on: 07 June 2010, 12:00:03 »

Valan heaves aside another stack of notepaper, and forces open a door, causing the beginnings of an avalanche of notebooks on the other side. From inside the dark, musty tomb of words he retrieves a book marked "Unspeakable Horrors" and blows the dust off the cover. "Back to work."
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.091



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #26 on: 04 August 2010, 03:28:35 »

*rummages in the Misc. Forum*

I see Valan has no less than three entries currently open in the Misc. section alone (Disease, Game, Weapon), which all have progressed very far... Like this one. I hope he doesn't forget about them ;)

P.S. Our dear Judy is also quite a candidate for letting sparkling, yet unpolished gems lie around in the Forum depths gathering dust as I had to notice once again.  huh
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #27 on: 04 August 2010, 04:52:23 »

I will have a solid month or so between returning from vacation (though given the heat, I'm taking every advantage to sit in a room and do nothing; Dear States: Your weather is much too warm and humid.) and getting my things packed for Ottawa, so I'll try to fix this. Gibbering Madness is the oldest entry in progress I have, and I've actually started to rewrite what is here. Kaaer' Dagger is on that list first, as well as Raevalem which needs to be finished so is probably last.
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Valan Nonesuch
Moderator
****

Gained Aura: 113
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.507


Like a pudding bag full of knives


View Profile
« Reply #28 on: 17 October 2010, 11:30:36 »

Well... it's only been another month than what I promised. I'll have that entry backlog cleared in no time!

I've been working on this in a word processor, so sadly bits that I've changed are no longer coloured. undecided
Logged

Beyond the horizon where the earth and the heavens meet
lies a certain point where they are not joined together and where, by stooping,
one might pass under the roof of the heavens.
Azhira Styralias
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 132
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2.774


Mddley


View Profile
« Reply #29 on: 22 October 2010, 00:21:42 »

Is this ready for my uri yet?  evil
Logged

No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all.
Pages: 1 [2] 3
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144586
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 23
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 20
Total: 20

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx