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Author Topic: The Drake Overview  (Read 7440 times)
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #15 on: 06 August 2010, 15:49:35 »

Ok. I have completed my overviews, and they are ready to be torn apart. (But don't be too harsh)
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #16 on: 07 August 2010, 07:27:53 »

GAHHH!!!!

I just went to go post my comments and they all disappeared.  I need to go take my sister to her friend's house now, but I'll go back through and re-post them all when I get home.   :(



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It is one of the smaller drakes, reaching lengths of only six peds from snout to tail.

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Unlike other drakes, its snout looks as if it was scrunched flat against its face.

You switched tenses here.  Please stick with the present tense.

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Large awkward scales cover its body, all coloured in a combination of blacks, browns, and greys of various shades.

I'm confused by this sentence.  Is each individual scale a combination of colors or is the beast as a whole?

Also, as an overall note for the overview, you use the phrases "it is" and "its" quite frequently (as in to start the independent clauses of almost every sentence).  Would you mind varying this up?

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It is not an overly large drake, only reaching four peds from snout to tail depending on gender.

You don't provide a range here for gender to vary depending upon.

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A long tail follows it around like a shadow, giving it balance as it skitters across the ground.

Giving seems like an awkward word choice here to me.  Perhaps 'providing it with' or something like that would work better?

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As it is near the top of the food chain in the deserts, it has few predators beyond other drakes and dragons, giving this creature a decent lifespan of a couple hundred years, though this is variable to food source and other encounters.

This is hypocritical coming from me, the king of ridiculously long sentences, but I think this would flow better if you broke it into two sentences.  Its a bit hard to follow since its so long.

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The scales, when seen up close, resemble that of fish scales.

I believe this should either read "The scales, when seen up close resemble those(since the subject is plural) of a fish" or "The scales, when seen up close, resemble fish scales."  Personally, I prefer the first option of these two, but its up to you which to use.

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Among one of the smallest drakes, the Feathered Drake is unique to the fact it is covered in pure white feathers instead of scales.

I believe this should be "among the smallest drakes" or "one of the smallest drakes".

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making them the smallest drakes in Caelereth.

Please avoid superlatives.

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They are found in various mountain ranges, but more notably the Tandalas and Cyhalloi's northern peaks.

I think the more here should be most.  Also, I'm pretty sure you don't need the but either.

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They vary anywhere from eight to ten peds in length, being able to use their size and strength when hunting, making them a formidable foe from both land and air.

This sentence is a bit awkward.

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, changing moves often

I believe this should be moods.

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Blue-grey scales cover their bodies in a nearly seamless plating structure.

This should be plated not plating.

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Be it cause of their diet, or their domestication, their expected lifespan is about 80 years in captivity.

Please avoid using the passive voice.  Also, cause here should be the result (since their life expectancy is the result of factors a, b and c).

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While, in the wild, it is believed they can live well over 200 years.

This sentence is a fragment if you leave the commas in around "in the wild".  It should either be elaborated upon to make it a full sentence, or you could remove the commas.

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They can be found in just about every mountain range in Caelereth, hiding in the crevasses.

I think this sentence would read more fluidly if it were changed to "They can be found hiding in the crevasses of just about every mountain range in Caelereth."

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LIGHTNING DRAKE, THE

I L-O-V-E this drake as you described it.   thumbup  I want one!

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The Norrack is solid black drake living mainly around the Norong‘Sorno volcano and in the Lands of Pain.

I think this should be "that lives" instead of living

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It is considered by many, one of the most beautiful of all the drakes, as its scales are a pearl black, glimmering in the desert sun.

I think you need a 'to be' instead of a comma between the first two clauses.

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Recognised as the most common drake in Caelereth, the Spiked Drake is easily identified by its named characteristic.

Superlative

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Instead of scales, a layer of long sharp spikes cover the drake from head to tail. They use the spikes to impale their enemies, luring them close then releasing several prongs into the unsuspecting creature.

You used my porcupine idea!   thumbup  Brownie points for Kalina.

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It wasn't until the discovery of its giant eggshells floating inland from the sea, did the most dubious researchers appear convinced of its existence.

I think "that" instead of "did" would make the sentence flow better here.

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Since then, many have attempted to gain more information about these dangerous creatures.

This is inconsistent with the first half of the overview where you make it sound like there is only one of these beasts around.

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They also live a couple hundred years shorter than the doom drake, as there are more predators in the rivers which they have territorial battles as well.

Something is off the second part of this sentence.  I think your "which" is modifying the wrong word.

All in all this is a very solidly put together entry.  Your content is superb.  Almost all of my comments are stylistic nit-picks to help make the writing flow a bit better when read.  They should be rather easy to address so if you get around to integrating them quickly, I'll blarrow you and you should be able to make it into the next update. 
« Last Edit: 07 August 2010, 09:26:44 by Drasil Razorfang » Logged
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #17 on: 07 August 2010, 09:34:33 »

I will make the changes asap after work! Thanks Drasil. I tried cleaning it up before you got to it.
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #18 on: 07 August 2010, 14:26:33 »

All edits completed! I made a few changes myself as I saw them. Boy, was I sloppy. But that is what I get when I try and rush things.... ~blushes~
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #19 on: 08 August 2010, 01:01:13 »

Blarrowed.
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #20 on: 08 August 2010, 03:56:19 »

Thank you, Drasil! heart
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