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Author Topic: Grothar's Breath  (Read 4177 times)
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Kelderth
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« on: 31 January 2010, 08:00:40 »

Categorization: Poems And Songs, Poems of Nature

Grothar's Breath

Spinning, spinning, turning
Whirling across the sand
Turning, turning, spinning
Moving around the land
Spinning, spinning, turning
Churning up the dust
Turning, turning, spinning
Howling with a gust
Of Grothar’s breath,

All the leaves fall off the trees
Only to join the wind
Twirling around
In flashes of orange and red
They are a blur
Spiraling with the intensity
Of Grothar’s breath,

Now it calms
It’s slowing down
Spinning…spinning…turning
All the leaves drift
Down to the ground
Turning, turning, spinning
The dust settles
Leaving nothing but the wind
Called Grothar’s Breath

« Last Edit: 04 February 2010, 09:49:26 by Kelderth » Logged

A Golden Age is a time when so many things about x are wonderful and unique that x itself is taken for granted.
- Stephen King
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« Reply #1 on: 31 January 2010, 08:07:05 »

That would fit quite neatly into the tempo(?) of 'Windmills of my mind'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAGGTVft5Lk&feature=fvw

I like it.
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Kelderth
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« Reply #2 on: 31 January 2010, 08:25:21 »

thanx and yeah if the tempo was just a bit different it would be perfect
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A Golden Age is a time when so many things about x are wonderful and unique that x itself is taken for granted.
- Stephen King
Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #3 on: 31 January 2010, 09:22:01 »

I don't often comment on things in the library. Poetry is one of those very personal expressions, and as such, there are no real wrong or right answers. I can give you my thoughts and feelings, but all these things re subjective.

But first, something a little less subject: a scan! I don't know how familiar you are with meter, but sometimes seeing the rhythm of a poem visually can help you understand it better. Backslashes (/) are stressed syllables, and u's (u) are unstressed syllables.
Grothar's Breath
/     u       /   u       /   u
Spinning, spinning, turning
 /     u     u /    u     /
Whirling across the sand
 /    u      /   u      /    u
Turning, turning, spinning
 /   u     u    /   u     /
Moving around the land
 /     u       /   u       /   u
Spinning, spinning, turning
 /     u     /    u    /
Churning up the dust
  /   u      /   u      /    u
Turning, turning, spinning
  /    u     /    u   /
Howling with a gust
 u   /    u       /
Of Grothar’s breath,

 /    u     /      u    /  u     /
All the leaves fall off the trees
 /     u       /   u       /   u
Spinning, spinning, turning
 / u  u    /   u      /
Only to join the wind
  /   u      /   u      /    u
Turning, turning, spinning
  /    u     u  /
Whirling around
 /     u       /   u       /   u
Spinning, spinning, turning
u    /   u   u   /   u    u    /
In flashes of orange and red
  /   u      /   u      /    u
Turning, turning, spinning
  /     u  u   /
They are a blur
 /     u       /   u       /   u
Spinning, spinning, turning
 /     u     /      u   u / u u
Spinning with the intensity
u    /     u      /
Of Grothar’s breath,

  /    u   /
Now it calms
    /   u      /   u      /    u
 Turning…turning…spinning
 u   /    u      /
It’s slowing down
 /     u        /   u       /   u
Spinning…spinning…turning
 /   u      /       /
All the leaves drift
  /   u      /   u       /    u
Turning…turning…spinning
  /      u   u     /
Down to the ground
 /     u       /   u       /   u
Spinning…spinning…turning
  u    /     /  u
The dust settles
  /   u      /   u      /    u
Turning…turning…spinning
  /    u   /    u     /    u    /
Leaving nothing but the wind
  /        /    u      /
Called Grothar’s Breath

You have some really good descriptive lines that evoke images: "Whirling across the sand," "All the leaves fall off the trees," "In flashes of orange and red." I like that you incorporate descriptions that appeal to other senses apart from sight, like hearing: "Howling with a gust." You have a lot of really good verbs in this piece, all of which help contribute to this feeling of motion.

I would be careful in incorporating too much repetition--not just in lines, but in words (you use whirling twice, leaves twice, etc.). Your poem feels very active, seeming to reflect the relative spontaneity of wind, but the repetition dilutes that feel. Repetition can help hold a poem together, but too much conveys a feeling of routine, doldrum, commonness. These are not qualities I think you mean to impart to the wind.

Again, this is all my own reading, and is therefore very subjective. Poems are always very personal constructions, and you should only make changes to your poem if you feel comfortable doing so.
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Kelderth
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« Reply #4 on: 31 January 2010, 23:36:44 »

thanx Rayne do you think I should delete all of the repetitious lines or just most of them?
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- Stephen King
Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #5 on: 01 February 2010, 00:27:40 »

I don't think you need to take all of the repetitions out, only some of them. It's important to keep in mind the cognitive response to your poem--this will help you decide which ones to take out.

There is a scholar known as L. B. Meyer who wrote a book in the 1950s called Emotion and Meaning in Music. In it, he discusses the emotional and cognitive experiences people experience with music--but these concepts can easily apply to writing and poetry. One of them is the notion of repetition. Repetition or reiteration is meaningful until saturation, when it no seems to be moving us forward toward a goal. Saturation causes dissonance, and therefore the expectation for change. The point of saturation may be different for everyone.

I think that you can tell that the point of saturation has been reached when your repeated lines begin to fade into the background. Your sentences run through them, seem to let them fade away a little, even ignore them. This tells me that they may not be meant to be read or noticed.

However, one of Meyer's other principles is the principle of good continuation. The mind is always striving for completeness, for things to reach stability or rest. Many songs and poems end on the same note that they began on--the reason is because this is what SOUNDS best to people. Therefore, I don't think you need to get rid of all the repetitions. Just makes sure the repetitions you DO use are meant to be read--don't let them fade into the background!
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Kelderth
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« Reply #6 on: 01 February 2010, 10:24:51 »

how is this?
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A Golden Age is a time when so many things about x are wonderful and unique that x itself is taken for granted.
- Stephen King
Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #7 on: 01 February 2010, 22:51:07 »

I think it's an improvement! You might even been able to cut down more, but that's really your prerogative. Don't do anything to you poem you don't feel comfortable doing.

Once you take some of the repeated lines out, you see more clearly the words you use. I might consider trying to replace words used more than once (save for the ones in the repeated lines).
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Kelderth
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« Reply #8 on: 01 February 2010, 23:45:17 »

done and done, I think it looks better than ever with all the different words
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A Golden Age is a time when so many things about x are wonderful and unique that x itself is taken for granted.
- Stephen King
Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #9 on: 02 February 2010, 02:59:10 »

Ooo! Nice words! I like them, too.  heart Nice work.
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
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« Reply #10 on: 02 February 2010, 08:05:27 »

 :heart:thanx hug
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- Stephen King
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #11 on: 02 February 2010, 08:27:26 »

What a delightul poem, Kelderth!

I've given you an aura point for the poem itself as well as for the way in which you took on board the suggestions of Rayne.

Well done
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Kelderth
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« Reply #12 on: 02 February 2010, 10:08:50 »

thanx  grin
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A Golden Age is a time when so many things about x are wonderful and unique that x itself is taken for granted.
- Stephen King
Kelderth
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« Reply #13 on: 03 February 2010, 08:59:50 »

By the way...who thinx its ready for blarrowing?
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A Golden Age is a time when so many things about x are wonderful and unique that x itself is taken for granted.
- Stephen King
Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #14 on: 03 February 2010, 12:38:37 »

It has my approval, though I'm not a library moderator.
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
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