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Author Topic: Yerun the Ereshian  (Read 12214 times)
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #15 on: 09 June 2010, 02:35:00 »

Should not edits be coloured for ease of rechecking?
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« Reply #16 on: 09 June 2010, 02:37:49 »

Sorry, forgot to do something I ask others to do all the time. I definitely deserve this:

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How about now? Edits in Lime Green.
« Last Edit: 09 June 2010, 02:40:13 by M´ruk Loshashzuck » Logged

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« Reply #17 on: 20 June 2010, 00:14:26 »

Can I just bump this? I'd like to be finished with this so I can concentrate on other entries to finish before the update.
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« Reply #18 on: 20 June 2010, 07:46:08 »

Hi M’ruk. Thanks for waiting patiently. I had underestimated how busy I’d be this month, so I’ve really only just found time to look at your entry.

In general: I like that you took up quite a few ideas from comments, and that you’ve added some good new ideas of your own: the rat dictionary is a fascinating idea that deserves to have its own entry one day, and the rat sneeze (“eresh”) is rather cute!

Corrections in yellow (very few!), comments in orange.



Overview
Yerun the Ereshian was a Ximaxian researcher of Erpheronian descent, who spent most of his life with rats. His single crowning achievement is befriending a pack of Ximax rats, which led him to write many essays on them and helped us to understand much more about these creatures. He befriended the pack in his youth, and throughout his life he researched them obsessively. Yerun was born in 1550 a.S. and died at the age of 50 in 1601 a.S., killed by his own rats, who passed a fatal disease onto him, making his death both tragic and ironic.


Appearance
Yerun's appearance was that of a madman. His nor'sidian hair was always tangled and rarely washed, and his charcoal eyes were always wide. (enter space here) Yerun was very short and very skinny, so much so that he looked like a young child all the way up to his death. Two of his most prominent characteristics were his huge nose and massive hands, and Yerun's omnipresent stubble gave him an unclean look. (I find it hard to imagine someone who looks like a young child, but has massive hands and a stubble – at least without further explanation. Maybe you could say: “Yerun was short and very skinny – so much so that people who saw him from the back sometimes mistook him for a child. As soon as Yerun would turn around, however, his potatoe-sized nose and massive hands betrayed his age, as did his omnipresent stubble, which also gave him an unclean look.” – Any good?)


Personality
Yerun the Ereshian was a very reclusive man. He preferred the company of rats to people and hated exterminators (well, except for Erron Ratdweller, exterminator turned researcher). (I feel the remark in brackets gives us too little context. How about if you said something like: “(although he made an exception for Erron Ratdweller, the famous inventor of rat poison, because he admired Erron’s research into rat behaviour so much that he managed to ignore the countless rats that had died at the hand of his illustrious predecessor)” He abhorred cruelty to both men and animals, and was very serious during every waking hour he was not drunk. (Did he drink often? If not, why mention it? Make something of it – you may be able to make a link between drinking and Yerun’s irascibility, which you describe below?) Yerun was very determined in everything he did, and considered all courses of action before doing anything. As for temper, Yerun was very patient but once he was angry, he went crazy, lashing out at everything in sight and screaming nonsense. Despite this, he had a few friends in the compendium, and rarely got angry.


Biography
1578 a.S.- Abandoned. Born to a simple farmer and his wife on the outskirts of Ximax, Yerun was abandoned on the steps of the Ximax library at birth, as his parents already had ten children and couldn't afford to feed another mouth. A librarian took him in as her own, but he had no friends, preferring to spend his time with the multitude of Ximax rats that inhabited the streets. He had no name at that point, so the librarian decided to call him Erron. This led him later in life to have Erron Ratdweller as his idol. His idea to write about the rats and research them stemmed from Erron's own work, and many parts of his essays are structured in the same way as Erron's.

1587 a.S.- Rat-friend. Yerun used to feed all the rats he could find, sometimes even going hungry to give them food. Such was his devotion, and the rats realised this, helping him to ward off bullies with their sharp teeth. After making friends with the pack of rats, Yerun started to want to write down his findings about their peculiar behaviours, just like his idol and role-model, Erron Ratdweller. He pestered the librarian until he agreed to teach him to read and write, and soon started writing down all he knew about the rats on stolen parchment and quills. (The idea is good, but I think the time-line is implausible. How would Yerun have found out about Erron without reading? Erron lived more than 1000 years before Yerun – isn’t it most likely that young Yerun found out about his predecessor by  reading, rather than wanting to read because he already knew about Erron?)

1589 a.S.- 'Odd Behaviours of the Ximax rat'. Yerun finished his first essay, 'Odd Behaviours of the Ximax rat', which he presented to the librarian, who immediately brought it to the nearest Compendiumist. This essay contained a plethora of information on the Ximax rats' behaviours towards each other, to humans, and to other rats. It was a great insight into the mentality of not only the rats themselves, but Yerun as well. When the Compendiumist read it, although very impressed he remarked that while the essay was very informative, Yerun had assumed that people knew many things about the rats, which they obviously didn't. He told Yerun to write up another essay, this time about the rats in general. This essay, 'On Ximax Rats', took him 30 years to finish, and ended up about 1,000 pages long.

1593 a.S.- Compendiumist. Yerun gave a first draft to the compendiumist, who offered to take Yerun with him on his travels. Yerun happily agreed, and became a well-known, though not well-respected, compendiumist and researcher. In order to disassociate himself from Erron Ratdweller, he changed his name to Yerun. 'The Ereshian' was a made up title, stemming from a particular noise that the Ximax rats make. Yerun found that this sound was used to call to other rats, and so tried to imitate it to attract rats to research. (Eresh, eresh! A sort of rat sneeze? That’s quite a funny idea!) Yerun traveled all across Santharia during these years, finding out everything he could to do with rats: He branched out into some other types of rats, into things that eat rats, into things that rats eat, and even into things that share a habitat with rats, such as rat brownies. (All right. I know this grey passage was my own formulation in my earlier comments, but I only intended it as an invitation for you to make things up, rather than to adopt my formulation wholesale. I suggest: select one or two of these research areas, and be more specific. E.g. have a look at some of the types of rats that Erron Ratdweller researched, and see if Yerun could have extended that research slightly. Name more precisely what Yerun researched apart from Ximax rats.)

1593-1620 a.S.- 'On Ximax Rats'. Yerun slaved over his essay, producing several smaller ones in the process, until one day he finished it. He threw a huge party before giving it in, which he invited many famous compendiumists and rat researchers to, including Waudrin Ghortz, with whom he had made great friends after Yerun realised that as two of the most dedicated researchers in the compendium at that time, they had a lot in common and could benefit from each other's suggestions and comments. (I think Azhira already said this, and I agree with her: I don’t understand the connection between Ghortz and Yerun. Ghortz was a demonologist – why would he be interested in or even benefit from friendship to a monomanic rat researcher? I know I mentioned Ghortz in my first comment, but only as an example of a good Person Entry in general, not as a suggestion to include a reference to Ghortz here.)  They also enjoyed each other's company, with Yerun usually listening while Waudrin did all the talking. After 'On Ximax Rats' was submitted, Yerun continued working on essays on his rats, and was quite happy in the rat-infested house in which he lived. (I like that detail!) 'On Ximax Rats' contained the most comprehensive research and analysis of Ximax rats ever published. Not only did it include an abundance of painstakingly researched and written information, it also contained stories of the tricks Yerun used to gather it and many others.

1525 a.S.- Rabid Researcher. Yerun caught rabies from an old rat in his pack. He went mad, and was looked after by the elderly librarian for three years. During this period he produced some of his most fascinating writings, such as an essay on how to communicate with rats and a sort of 'rat dictionary'. (Rat dictionary! Fascinating! I wouldn’t mind if you had more information on that … But it’s also okay to leave the idea dangling teasingly from the entry, maybe for you or someone else to pick up one day.)

1629 a.S.- An Ironic Death. Yerun died after three years cooped up in his room, heirless and brain-dead.(‘Brain-dead’ sounds too modern for my ears. Anyway, if he died, it’s clear that his brain, also, wasn’t alive. How about simply: “After three years of being cooped up in his study, Yerun died. He left no heir.”) His life may have gone, but his invaluable work on Ximax rats remains.

Importance
Yerun the Ereshian was a dedicated, if a little odd, researcher and Compendiumist. His inspirational persistence in finding out about Ximax rats is invaluable, and continues to aid many people today.
« Last Edit: 20 June 2010, 07:53:28 by Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang » Logged

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M´ruk Loshashzuck
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« Reply #19 on: 23 June 2010, 05:34:23 »

Thanks for all the carefully thought out comments. Here, have an AURA+1.

I think all of your comments have been incorporated in orange. Any more?
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« Reply #20 on: 23 June 2010, 08:54:09 »

Just a few questions/comments from me. Like Master Anfang, I like what you've done here overall.

Would you consider explaining why he's called 'the Ereshian' earlier in the entry than you have? I found that I spent most of the start of the entry wanting to know why he was called 'the Ereshian' instead of enjoying the entry.

When you talk about the 'library' do you mean the 'Library Tower' of the Ximax Academy? Maybe refer to it in that way if you do. Reading through the updated entry on Ximax City (still under development) there isn't really a library in the outer city, just a librarian's guild.

How does his research into rats assist many people? Which people? Maybe also consider somehow tying it in with the Zoologica entry being worked on by Jonael? That the people running that use his works to guide them in their care for the rats they are looking after.

Great work on your persistence with this, M'ruk.

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« Reply #21 on: 23 June 2010, 09:50:57 »

His work might also be of use for... counter-intuitive purposes. If he spent enough time studying rats for benign purposes, he might have come across a bit or two that might be useful in harming rats, keeping them away. Know thine enemy and all that.
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« Reply #22 on: 24 June 2010, 01:52:59 »

Thank you both for the excellent comments. I'll get to them right now.
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« Reply #23 on: 24 June 2010, 02:02:57 »

Ok, edits made in yellow.

Any more comments?
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #24 on: 26 June 2010, 12:39:23 »

Overview
Yerun the Ereshian What is an Ereshian? Perhaps add (of the province/city/xxx of xxx)" was a Ximaxian researcher of Erpheronian descent Perhaps an "Erpheronian researcher", who spent most of his life with rats "in the city of Ximax".. His single crowning achievement was befriending a pack of Ximax rats, which led him to write many essays on them and helped us to understand much more about these creatures. He befriended the pack in his youth, and throughout his life he researched them obsessively. Yerun was born in 1550 a.S. and died at the age of 50 in 1601 a.S., killed by his own rats, who passed a fatal disease onto him, adding a touch of irony to a tragic death.


Appearance
Yerun's appearance was that of a madman. His nor'sidian hair was always tangled and rarely washed, and his charcoal eyes were always wide. Yerun was short and very skinny – so much so that people who saw him from the back sometimes mistook him for a child. As soon as Yerun would turn around, however, his potato-sized nose and massive hands betrayed his age, as did his omnipresent stubble, which added to his already rodentine appearance.


Personality
Yerun the Ereshian was a very reclusive man. Perhaps reword this, so as not to begin every section with "Yerun".He preferred the company of rats to people and hated exterminators (although he made an exception for Erron Ratdweller, the famous inventor of rat poison, because he admired Erron’s research into rat behaviour so much that he managed to ignore the countless rats that had died at the hand of his illustrious predecessor). This is REALLY interesting. You may want to bring this out of parenthesis to examine this particular dichotomy/analysis of morality. This compendiumist Did he work for the Compendiendum? was a bit strange, even calling himself 'the Ereshian' because that was a sort of 'rat sneeze' that his Ximax rats made, but he abhorred cruelty to both men and animals, and was very serious during every waking hour he was not drunk. This is WAY too much information to cram into one sentence, and not all of it is necessarily related.Yerun was very determined in everything he did, and considered all courses of action before doing anything. This makes it seem as if Yerun was both driven and thoughtful, which don't always compliment each other. In addition, it makes him seem pretty balanced, which may not be what you're aiming for.As for temper, Yerun was very patient but once he was angry, he went crazy, lashing out at everything in sight and screaming nonsense. His constant state of drunkenness didn't help his personality either, and eventually led to his irascibility having greater and greater influence over his life. Despite this, he had a few friends in the compendium, and rarely got angry. So he was a very crazy, angry man who was patient and collected? I think I'd like to caricturize this guy a bet more ;)


Biography
1578 a.S.- Abandoned. Born to a simple farmer and his wife on the outskirts of Ximax, Yerun was abandoned on the steps of the Ximax Academy's library tower at birth, as his parents already had ten children and couldn't afford to feed another mouth. A librarian took him in as her own, but he had no friends, preferring to spend his time with the multitude of Ximax rats that inhabited the streets. He had no name at that point, so the librarian decided to call him Erron. This led him later in life to have Erron Ratdweller as his idol. His idea to write about the rats and research them stemmed from Erron's own work, and many parts of his essays are structured in the same way as Erron's.

1587 a.S.- Rat-friend. Yerun used to feed all the rats he could find, sometimes even going hungry to give them food. Such was his devotion, and the rats realised this, helping him to ward off bullies with their sharp teeth. After making friends with the pack of rats, Yerun started to want to write down his findings about their peculiar behaviours, just like his idol and role-model, Erron Ratdweller, of whom his guardian had told him much. He pestered the librarian until he agreed to teach him to read and write, and soon started writing down all he knew about the rats on stolen parchment and quills.

1589 a.S.- 'Odd Behaviours of the Ximax rat'. Yerun finished his first essay, 'Odd Behaviours of the Ximax rat', which he presented to the librarian, who immediately brought it to the nearest Compendiumist. Should he really be tied s strongly to the Compendium? After all, there are plenty of researchers who don't work for our particular organization. This essay contained a plethora of information on the Ximax rats' behaviours towards each other, towards humans, and towards other rats. It was a great insight into the mentality of not only the rats themselves, but Yerun as well. When the Compendiumist read it, although very impressed he remarked that while the essay was very informative, Yerun had assumed that people knew many things about the rats, which they obviously didn't. He told Yerun to write up another essay, this time about the rats in general. This essay, 'On Ximax Rats', took him 30 years to finish, and ended up about 1,000 pages long.

1593 a.S.- Compendiumist. Yerun gave a first draft to the compendiumist, which one? who offered to take Yerun with him on his travels. Yerun happily agreed, and became a well-known, though not well-respected, compendiumist and researcher. In order to disassociate himself from Erron Ratdweller, he changed his name to Yerun. 'The Ereshian' was a made up title, stemming from a particular noise that the Ximax rats make. Yerun found that this sound was used to call to other rats, and so tried to imitate it to attract rats to research. Yerun traveled all across Santharia during these years, finding out everything he could to do with rats: He branched out into finding out about things that eat rats and even into things that share a habitat with rats, such as rat brownies. About ten of his essays were published in these subjects, the most famous being "On Ximax rats' Predators" and "A surprising abundance of life: The habitat of Ximax rats"

1593-1620 a.S.- 'On Ximax Rats'. Yerun slaved over his essay, producing several smaller ones in the process, until one day he finished it. He threw a huge party before giving it in, which he invited many famous compendiumists and rat researchers to, and went down in the (fairly exclusive) history of bestiary compendiumists of that era as one of the wildest parties ever. After 'On Ximax Rats' was submitted,[/color] Yerun continued working on essays on his rats, and was quite happy in the rat-infested house in which he lived. 'On Ximax Rats' contained the most comprehensive research and analysis of Ximax rats ever published. Not only did it include an abundance of painstakingly researched and written information, it also contained stories of the tricks Yerun used to gather it and many others.

1525 a.S.- Rabid Researcher. Yerun caught rabies from an old rat in his pack. He went mad, and was looked after by the elderly librarian for three years, During this period he produced some of his most fascinating writings, such as an essay on how to communicate with rats and a sort of 'rat dictionary'.  :)

1629 a.S.- An Ironic Death. Yerun died after three years cooped up in his room, heirless, hairless and with a brain that had given up on him. His life may have gone, but his invaluable work on Ximax rats remains.

Importance
Yerun the Ereshian was a dedicated, if a little odd, researcher and compendiumist. His inspirational persistence in finding out about Ximax rats is invaluable, and continues to aid many people today, including those researchers and compendiumists studying rats and Zohologists trying to keep them. In fact, ironically, it also helps rat exterminators and pest control to lure out and kill his beloved rats. Altogether, his influence in these small and exclusive areas was great and he will be remembered for his thoroughness and painstaking research.
Good job! I like him :)
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« Reply #25 on: 26 June 2010, 15:40:41 »

Overview
What is an Ereshian? Perhaps add (of the province/city/xxx of xxx)"

That is explained later on.

Perhaps an "Erpheronian researcher"

I think I prefer to leave as it is, seeing as it is just a stylistic decision, and Yerun could have been a Ximaxian with mainly Erpheronian heritage but a few other tribes thrown in.

"in the city of Ximax".

These are Ximax rats, a different species to other rats

adding a touch of irony to a tragic death.

Again, I prefer to leave it the way it is stylistically

were always wide

I don't think it makes sense without the were.

added to his already rodentine appearance.

Is rodentine a word? My dictionary doesn't seem to think so :)

Personality
This makes it seem as if Yerun was both driven and thoughtful, which don't always compliment each other. In addition, it makes him seem pretty balanced, which may not be what you're aiming for.

He was very driven all the time and thoughtful when writing his essays. I will, however, add a sentence or two to clarify.

So he was a very crazy, angry man who was patient and collected? I think I'd like to caricturize this guy a bet more ;)

He was crazy but patient and collected. I did say he rarely got angry, but when he did... I'll definitely try to make this more clear, though.


Biography
Should he really be tied s strongly to the Compendium? After all, there are plenty of researchers who don't work for our particular organization.

Well, since I am developing this from another person's idea and they seemed to think he was a compendiumist, I think it should probably stay that way.

1593 a.S.- which one?

The unnamed and unimportant one mentioned earlier :)

1629 a.S.- hairless

Not quite grin

Good job! I like him :)

Thanks very much! And thanks, too for your comments. Sorry to squabble over so many of them, but I think that most of the changes are unnecessary. I'll get right down to incorporating the other ones.

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« Reply #26 on: 26 June 2010, 15:50:04 »

Ok, comments integrated in blue.
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« Reply #27 on: 26 June 2010, 21:39:50 »

Methinks the remaining issues have been addressed and/or explained, so I'll take this entry as well into the update!  thumbup
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« Reply #28 on: 26 June 2010, 21:53:07 »

Thanks!
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Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
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« Reply #29 on: 03 July 2010, 23:57:47 »

Congratulations, M'ruk - and belated aura for contributing an entry, and for working well with the commenters!
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