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Author Topic: The Tolu Pack-Beast  (Read 22136 times)
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #30 on: 07 August 2010, 08:28:35 »
Also.. waiting for Deci?
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

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A government in which the majority rule in all cases cannot be based on justice, even as far as men understand it- HD Thoreau
Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #31 on: 21 August 2010, 23:11:15 »
Could I get a Nyb devver to check this out, give me a hand?
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

Some men aren't looking for anything logical like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. - The Dark Knight

Wisdom begins in wonder. ~ Socrates

A government in which the majority rule in all cases cannot be based on justice, even as far as men understand it- HD Thoreau
Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #32 on: 07 May 2013, 05:20:29 »
An update! Not for a masterwork, just for a bit of fun ;) If there are any points that you all think could be interesting places for expansion, do let me know.
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

Some men aren't looking for anything logical like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. - The Dark Knight

Wisdom begins in wonder. ~ Socrates

A government in which the majority rule in all cases cannot be based on justice, even as far as men understand it- HD Thoreau
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #33 on: 14 May 2013, 03:53:44 »
Okeydokey, as the commenting situation these days is so overwhelmingly non-existent, I'll have a look here... I'm not an expert on Nybelmar nor on beasts, but here we go:

- Title could perhaps be "The Tolu Pack-Beast", as we always try to specify the type of animal already in the text you see in the menu.

- At the Overview maybe mention its approximate size, e.g. in comparison to a horse. Also an indicator of the continent where the Doimo Nomads live would be good. Note the spelling of "Doimo" BTW - as you wrote "Domino"... (also further down in the text) Also to mention: That "Tolu" is also used as the plural form.

- Now this sentence is a bit of a mystery to me:

Quote
The Tolu's six legs are not quite evenly distrusted.

Did you actually want to say that or did you want to use another word there, because "distrusted" looks rather out of place somehow.

- The size is also not really mentioned in the Appearance section, especially as you say that it looks like a horse in the distance, which doesn't mean that it's that size actually. As you say as well: The distance however, would have to be significant.

- "1 ped and 2 fores" - numbers smaller than 13 should be written in full (one, two).

- Some small fixes here:

Quote
In color, the Tolu range from a fairly common sandy brown to a more piebald white and brown colouration, more common in females than males.

...more akin to man than beast

...fights within these gatherings are not uncommo

I'd say itr's a nice entry, and a good way to start a comeback, Nsiki :) Didn't spot any major problems with it, and I hope the beast is fine with Nybelmarians as well. At any rate aura +1 for getting back to it again. With a few adjustments this should be ready to go up right away. :D
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #34 on: 14 May 2013, 17:15:06 »
What a great entry! Concise, well-written, cool concept! I love 'tolling'! (Perhaps add it as a Lore section to make it easier to locate?) I will definitely keep an eye out for your entries in the future, Nsiki. :)

No issues from a Nybelmar perspective.
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #35 on: 14 May 2013, 23:20:03 »
Updates made! Thanks to Art and Coren :)
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

Some men aren't looking for anything logical like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. - The Dark Knight

Wisdom begins in wonder. ~ Socrates

A government in which the majority rule in all cases cannot be based on justice, even as far as men understand it- HD Thoreau
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #36 on: 17 May 2013, 04:15:32 »
Marked for integration then!  thumbup  cool
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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