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Author Topic: Violet Sky-Dancer  (Read 5935 times)
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Dieren
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« on: 05 June 2011, 04:50:49 »

I did this from the list of beasts to be created.

Basic Overview of the Beast

The Violet Sky-Dancer is one of the largest butterflies native to northeastern Sihitara in Nybelmar. It can grow to be up to a fore in wingspan. The Violet Sky-Dancer is one of the most well-known butterflies in the Krean area. The Violet dancers, a group of priestesses from the High Temple of Ankriss who serve as the guard of honor for the Warden of State, named themselves that after the Violet Sky-Dancers.

Appearance

The Violet Sky-Dancer is 1/3 of a ped in wingspan. Its wings are iridescent, the colors blue and violet appearing the most, giving it its violet color. The ventral side of the butterfly is dark brown, almost black, as is the part of the wing surrounding the iridescent part of the wings. The Sky-Dancer has four wings, the forewings not hooked to the hindwings because it allows for more graceful flight. The Sky-Dancer has six legs, two antennae, two eyes, and a proboscis, or elongated appendage from the head. There are three sections to the body: the head, thorax, and abdomen. A fully grown Violet Sky-Dancer weighs about ¾ of a mut.

The larvae of the Sky-Dancer, known as a caterpillar, have multi-part bodies. They are tubular, with three segments. On the three middle segments there are three pairs of true legs, with four pairs of prolegs on the middle segments of the middle of the end segment and one pair of prolegs on the last part of the end segment.

The body is the shade of green of the leaves of the most common purple plant eaten by the Violet Sky-Dancer, the Arryi, with spots of the purple of the leaves. They are not fuzzy. They grow through a series of moults, with the last moult taking them into the inactive pupar or chrysalis. They breathe through a series of openings on the sides of their middle and back.



Special Abilities

Violet Sky-Dancers are known for their flight ability, including long distance flight. They fly using their wings, and in doing so, can migrate long distances. The wings are split into two parts to help the butterfly fly more smoothly. Butterflies move their wings in a figure-eight pattern, pushing more air with their wings than necessary for flight. This makes them flit in the air, making it harder for predators to catch them.

Territory

They are found in Sihitara, a Krean metropolis. They are usually seen around or inside the High Temple of Ankriss. There is a room for the butterflies in the temple, with an opening in the ceiling for the butterflies to come and go as they please.
    
Habitat/Behavior

The Violet Sky-Dancers are revered by the people of Sihitara and are kept in the High Temple of Ankriss. They live in the wild as well, but in generally they stay around the city, where they are fed by the people who live there. The butterflies aren't afraid of humans, instead congregating around humans in the hopes that the humans will feed them. They generally just fly around, congregating around humans and looking for food.

Diet

Violet Sky-Dancers feed on nectar from flowers. They feed on the nectar from all flowers, but primarily from the purple flowers found in Sihitara. The people there leave the flowers out for the Violet Sky-Dancers to feed from. One of the main flowers that the Violet Sky-Dancers feed from is the Arryi flower. The caterpillars eat the leaves of any plant, including the Arryi flower.

Mating

The Violet Sky-Dancers perform a few mating rituals. The male brings nectar to the female as one mating ritual. The nectar brought by the male to the female is always found in the wild as the male’s way of showing the female that they are capable of providing for them.

Myth/Lore/Origin

Violet dancers, a group of priestesses from the High Temple of Ankriss who serve as the guard of honor for the Warden of State, named themselves that after the Violet Sky-Dancers.
The Violet dancers dress as butterflies and perform dances four times a year, in the beginning of spring and fall as well as on Midsummer and Midwinter. The priestesses revere the beauty and majesty of the Violet Sky-Dancers and try to emulate those ideas in their rituals.

« Last Edit: 15 August 2011, 00:23:21 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #1 on: 05 June 2011, 08:12:37 »

I see you got right too it!

This is a really good start and you seem to have some pretty good ideas here.  You also managed to avoid too of the biggest newbie mistakes (creating over the top abilities and not integrating the entry into the existing world) so kudos!

As of right now, however, your beast is a bit on the short side so before I give you more in depth comments I would like to see you try and flesh it out.  You should aim for about 3-4 paragraphs as a minimum for most of the sections.

To accomplish this I'd suggest building on what you already have, but just providing more detail.  As of right now, you sort of just list a few characteristics within each section.  Instead try breaking each of these attributes down into its own paragraph and provide more specific information about it.

I've included a 2 examples, one of a longer bestiary entry and one of a shorter.  Personally I think both are very well done so try to use one or the other as a model.  short/medium

long

Let me know if you have any questions.

 
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seth ghibta
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« Reply #2 on: 06 June 2011, 21:20:36 »

Hello Dieren, welcome to the bestiary!
Really I'm just seconding Drasil's post here - the basics are there and they're great, but we'd like a bit more! If you want some starting points for where you can expand, feel free to ask, I have a habit of asking lots of questions in my comments. ;)
One thing I would suggest as a good way to elaborate, though, is to inculde something about the young - I'm presuming that, like most butterflies, it starts out as a caterpillar and pupates? describing that might help - what the larvae look like, what they eat, how long they take to grow, where/when they pupate, all that sort of thing.
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« Reply #3 on: 06 June 2011, 23:05:55 »

And to chime in with a third bit of advice, the reservation post mentions (if I recall) that there is a group of priestesses that call themselves "Violet Sky-Dancers" in honour of this particular butterfly. That goes in a Myth-Lore section.
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Dieren
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« Reply #4 on: 19 June 2011, 11:47:45 »

   Basic Overview of the Beast

The Violet Sky-Dancer is a butterfly, one of the largest in the butterfly family native to northeastern Sihitara. It can grow to be up to a fore in wingspan. The Violet Sky-Dancer is one of the most well-known butterflies in the Krean area, because the Violet dancers, a group of priestesses from the High Temple of Ankriss who serve as the guard of honor for the Warden of State, christened themselves that after the Violet Sky-Dancers.

   Appearance

The Violet Sky-Dancer is 1/3 of a ped in wingspan. Its wings are iridescent, the colors blue and violet appearing the most, giving it its violet color. The ventral side of the butterfly is dark brown, almost black, as is the part of the wing surrounding the iridescent part of the wings. The Sky-Dancer has four wings, the forewings not hooked to the hindwings because it allows for more graceful flight. The Sky-Dancer has six legs, two antennae, two compound eyes, and a proboscis, or elongated appendage from the head. There are three sections to the body: the head, thorax, and abdomen. A fully grown Violet Sky-Dancer weighs about ¾ of a mut.
The larvae of the Sky-Dancer, known as a caterpillar, have segmented bodies. They are tubular, with a head, thorax, and abdomen as its three segments. On the three thoracic segments there are three pairs of true legs, with four pairs of prologs on the middle segments on the middle of the abdomen and one pair of prologs on the last abdominal segment.
The body is the shade of green of the leaves of the most common purple plant eaten by the Violet Sky-Dancer, with spots of the purple of the leaves. They are not fuzzy. They grow through a series of moults, with the last moult talking them into the inactive pupar or chrysalis. They breathe through a serious of openings on the sides of their thorax and abdomen called spiracles.

         
   Special Abilities

The special ability of the Violet Sky-Dancer is its flying. It flies using its wings, and in doing so, can migrate long distances.

   Territory

They are found in Sihitara, a Krean metropolis. They are usually seen around or inside the High Temple of Ankriss.
   
   Habitat/Behavior

The Violet Sky-Dancers are revered by the people of Sihitara and are kept in the High Temple of Ankriss. They live in the wild as well, but in generally they stay around the city, where they are fed by the people who live there.

   Diet

Violet Sky-Dancers feed on nectar from flowers. They feed on the nectar from all flowers, but primarily from the purple flowers found in Sihitara, because the people there leave the flowers out for the Violet Sky-Dancers to feed from.

   Mating

The Violet Sky-Dancers perform a few mating rituals. The male brings nectar to the female as one mating ritual. The nectar brought by the male to the female is always found in the wild as the male’s way of showing the female that they are capable of providing for them. They also use chemical signals.

   Myth/Lore/Origin (Optional)


Violet dancers, a group of priestesses from the High Temple of Ankriss who serve as the guard of honor for the Warden of State, christened themselves that after the Violet Sky-Dancers.
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Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #5 on: 19 June 2011, 11:56:29 »

Alright Dieren, you've made one little mistake here. Instead of posting each draft in a subsequently lower post, we ask that you do two things.

Find the button labelled "modify" on the first post you made in this thread. And when you make changes to the original post Colour them.
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Dieren
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« Reply #6 on: 19 June 2011, 12:47:53 »

Sorry about that. I'll fix that now.
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« Reply #7 on: 19 June 2011, 17:43:52 »

Hey Dieren!

'Myth expert here'

Quote
Myth/Lore/Origin

Violet dancers, a group of priestesses from the High Temple of Ankriss who serve as the guard of honor for the Warden of State, christened themselves that after the Violet Sky-Dancers.


That's a bit sort for a myth...
Please, avoid the word 'christened' as it sounds too earthen, just say 'named'
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #8 on: 23 June 2011, 11:05:55 »

Quote
The Violet Sky-Dancer is a butterfly, one of the largest in the butterfly family native to northeastern Sihitara.

This isn't a grammatically correct sentence.  If you reword it so that it says "The Violet Sky-Dancer is one of the largest butterflies native to northeastern Sihitara" that problem can be fixed.

Quote
The Violet Sky-Dancer is one of the most well-known butterflies in the Krean area, because the Violet dancers, a group of priestesses from the High Temple of Ankriss who serve as the guard of honor for the Warden of State, named themselves that after the Violet Sky-Dancers.

This is a run-on sentence.  Try breaking it up into smaller parts.

Quote
two compound eyes

This description reads almost too scientific.

Quote
The larvae of the Sky-Dancer, known as a caterpillar, have segmented bodies. They are tubular, with a head, thorax, and abdomen as its three segments. On the three thoracic segments there are three pairs of true legs, with four pairs of prologs on the middle segments on the middle of the abdomen and one pair of prologs on the last abdominal segment.

Again, this reads too sciencey.

-Overall, you did a pretty solid job on the Appearance section.  Well done.


Quote
The special ability of the Violet Sky-Dancer is its flying. It flies using its wings, and in doing so, can migrate long distances.

Can you elaborate a bit more on this.  You mention that its wings are divided into two parts to allow it more graceful flight.  Details like that should be included and elaborated upon here.

-The habitat/behavior section needs to have a bit more information.  You describe where they live, but need more details on how they behave.  For this section try to describe what the butterfly would most likely be doing if an individual ran into it.  Does it travel in groups or by itself?  Does it like to flutter around aimlessly or is it always busy pollinating flowers?  Maybe it likes to relax and spread out its wings in the sun or instead prefers to hide away in the trees.  Is it afraid of people? or maybe it likes to land on their shoulders?  Details like that are what belong in this section.

Do this for the caterpillar as well. 

-In the diet section, you mention that they drink the nectar of purple flowers.  Could you be a bit more specific in this and provide a specific flower type?

Also, let us know what the caterpillars like to eat. 

Quote
They also use chemical signals.

Again, too sciency.


Quote
Violet dancers, a group of priestesses from the High Temple of Ankriss who serve as the guard of honor for the Warden of State, named themselves that after the Violet Sky-Dancers.

To elaborate on this section, perhaps provide a little story of how this group got inspired?  If not, at least explain what elements of the butterfly the dancers revere and attempt to emulate.

Overall, this is a really good start to an entry.  In general, you just need a bit more elaboration and detail in some of your sections to flesh it out.  Let me know if you have any questions!  :)
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Dieren
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« Reply #9 on: 08 July 2011, 09:16:09 »

I modified it, but it didn't show up as having been updated. I can see the changes, but the update date didn't change. Is that normal?
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« Reply #10 on: 08 July 2011, 14:44:00 »

That's not normal, but your updates did get posted so I wouldn't worry about it.  I'll take a look over your latest draft later today.   :)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #11 on: 08 July 2011, 14:46:32 »

The last edit date is "30 June 2011" (seen at the bottom of your first post) - was that when you updated the entry, Dieren? I assume so, otherwise there'd been a problem probably on your side as I haven't seen any problems in thsi regard as of yet. Fact is that if you change an entry it doesn't show up as "New" to others, so if you make changes, make sure to reply in the thread and let others know.
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #12 on: 09 July 2011, 01:00:00 »

Quote
to northeastern Sihitara

Can you put an "in Nybelmar" after this.  That way people who aren't familiar with the region of Sihitara know the general continent they are on.

Quote
with four pairs of prolegs on the middle segments on the middle of the end segment

Got a little confused at this part.  Are you missing a conjunction?

Quote
most common purple plant

Perhaps you could give us a name for this plant?

Quote
last moult talking them

Taking not talking

Quote
serious of openings

Series not serious

Quote
They feed on the nectar from all flowers, but primarily from the purple flowers found in Sihitara, because the people there leave the flowers out for the Violet Sky-Dancers to feed from.

Run-on sentence.

I'm going to send Coren a PM for you to ask him to look this over as well.  He's the creator of the Krean so I'm sure he's got something to weigh in about. 
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #13 on: 14 July 2011, 08:19:57 »

When you make changes would you mind making a post saying that you've completed your edits so that way it alerts the mods?  Otherwise I don't know when you've updated your submission unless I happen to randomly check in on you.  Thanks.   :)

As for actual comments, content wise I think you've made a lot of improvement.  The main issue I see with this at this point is the style in which it is written.  While entries are supposed to be factual submissions to an encyclopedia of sorts, this is a bit too "sciency".   It reads kind of like a Wikipedia article and not really like a fantasy entry.

To get a better feel for what I'm trying to say, I'd suggest you read over some of seth's entries.  She's one of the best beast developers we have around and has contributes quite regularly.  Try to emulate the way she goes about structuring a submission and I think this problem should sort itself out rather quickly.

A list of all of seth's submissions can be found here.
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Dieren
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« Reply #14 on: 13 August 2011, 10:50:31 »

I edited it. My new edits are in maroon.
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