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Author Topic: Hematia  (Read 8791 times)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #15 on: 28 July 2011, 03:49:00 »

Okeydokey, let's have a closer look at this one:

- Concerning the name: I guess "Rik'jyrl" is ok as a Kuglim-Seitre word, ideally a proper Tharian (=English) name would also be good - especially as you say that it grows practically everywhere. As you're writing this entry for the Santharian Compendium the Tharian name would be the primary one used by the writer if the plant is common in Santharia as well. "Hooked Plant" is the translation, but would be hardly used in a colloquial conversation I assume.

- A side note: Putting the links in the text isn't really necessary, I'll do that usually when I put up the entry. It's easier when I do them on my local hard drive and the upload it all with the entry. Saves you some time :)

- You say: "The Rik'jyrl plant grows almost anywhere." Would be better written "can grow almost anywhere" I assume, because later you make it more relative. "Rare" outside Northern Sarvonia and "twice in Nybelmar" isn't exactly "anywhere".

In general it's still rather unclear where the plant grows, because as far as I can see what you've mentioned is not really Kuglimz territory (correct me if I'm wrong!). The Kruul Peninsula e.g. is far away from the Kuglimz (see here a very rough map who lives where).

- "Has been said to kill pets and other small animals". The term "pets" doesn't seem to fit here, because this is a plant grows out in the nature where not too many pets are around I assume. See previous issue. So better change that to "rodents" or something similar, or mention territory closer to the Kuglimz. And mention the Kanapan lands in Territory, it's just not very precise at the moment.

- But these are just minor things. I really like the plant, the entry is very well written, didn't even spot a typo! So for me it looks already very complete for a first entry, so I can only say: Well done, Vergos!  thumbup I guess you've definitely earned you aura +1!

On your other ideas:

- General note: Maybe these ideas are better discussed in an own topic, otherwise people might comment more on the ideas than on the posted plant and it could get confusing.

- As far as these ideas concerned: My only question would be:

Quote
...the cliffs get light all day long, as they are the high ground and face North...

Don't know exactly why it is important that it faces North? Maybe you could explain that.
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Vergos Exitalis
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« Reply #16 on: 04 August 2011, 04:51:30 »

Alright, I believe that's the last of it. Thanks for all the help, and we'll see how the rest of my stay here goes, I guess!
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #17 on: 04 August 2011, 06:27:20 »

Vergos, in future, please colour changes you make to your entries.

I would greatly appreciate it if you would either (1) remove the eastern coastline of the Kruul peninsula from the area of your plant, or (2) mention the Arthyron elves in your entry somewhere, as they are the main inhabitants of the eastern coastline of this peninsula. The eastern coastline of the peninsula is rocky and has cliffs, so it could help you in that regard. Maybe the elves use it against the Hooded Trolog (a big nasty poisonous reptilian monster who resides in the waters of Eight Winds Bay and attacks elves) or something.

If you need a marsh somewhere around there, I'm sure something along those lines could be created for your purposes.

Good entry otherwise
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« Reply #18 on: 05 August 2011, 14:52:58 »

It shouldn't be a problem. I must have missed them while I was scouring the tribes references-- Maybe because I was mainly looking at human tribes. I'll start work on it now, and this change I *will* color.
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« Reply #19 on: 06 August 2011, 08:04:56 »

Alright-- That is fixed, the changes are in red.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #20 on: 09 August 2011, 03:33:58 »

Ok, one more look...

- I agree that you should make sure to mark changes when you edit posts (unless you only correct minor things like typos and stuff). Because if someone wants to recheck your entry and see how you've improved your post, it should be clear what was actually changed. No need to mark every word or so, you can as well mark a paragraph to indicate where adjustments were made. So keep that in mind for the future, Vergos :)

- I see you've now used another name, which is fine. Though you don't need to get rid of the Kuglimz name altogether, becaue the plant still grows in this region - you can just put it in brackets and mention that it's the Kuglimz-Seitre version.

- Same as with the term "Footsbane Flower" BTW. Could be also put in brackets, and the various names should all be part of the Overview to have them all collected.

- Guess there rest of the changes as far as I can see fix the other smaller problems I've spotted before, so that's all fine. The plant is also somewhat embedded with various references here and there - keep this in mind, this makes an entry really good. It's all about making it part of the world. Maybe you'll have some myth/lore in future entries, but personally I'm happy with this one, Vergos! - Hope you'll also put one of your mentioned exiting ideas on digital paper soon!
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« Reply #21 on: 09 August 2011, 08:07:29 »

Thank you for your inclusion of the Arthyron in the entry ... looks like a great entry to me.

Nothing more from me other than another +1 aura.
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« Reply #22 on: 09 August 2011, 12:37:14 »

Aye, and thankya for the +aura.  I would have added some lore to this plant, but in my opinion it's not really distinctive enough for people to have made stories about it. People on Earth don't make strange stories about *everything* they come across, and I suppose that's what I'm thinking of when I ask myself how people would behave. If I make the cliffs/swamp entry, that'll definitely have lore-- It's just begging for a bogeyman story, after all.
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« Reply #23 on: 10 August 2011, 04:01:43 »

Yep - don't worry, Vergos, you don't need lore for every kind of plant you're developing of course ;) Just aim to embed your entries as good as possible in the world, that's the thing. And from what I read your other ideas definitely sound like there's a story or two associated with them...

I'll mark this one now for integration, will be up next update then! Congrats on your very first completed entry! Woo-hooo!  thumbup
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