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Author Topic: A measly poetic attempt.  (Read 4747 times)
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Xarl
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« on: 18 November 2001, 20:36:00 »

    Dreamer
There was darkness
and then there was flame
there was pleasure
and then there was pain
there was chaos
and then there was order
So it was as the Dream of Dreams began

She sleeps, still dreaming
She sleeps, without fear
She sleeps forever
until the Greater Night draws near

Her tears fell through Wind
and there were the Elven
Her tears brushed the Sea
the Humans were then
the Rain of Life
from beyond the skies
and there was life in the Dream of Dreams

She sleeps, still dreaming
She sleeps, without fear
She sleeps forever
until the Greater Night draws near

Her tears touched the Earth
the dwarves then unfroze
Her tears last met flame
the orcs then arose
(add) the Rain of Life
now ceased to fall (end add)
the Dream now had limitless dreamers

She sleeps, still dreaming
She sleeps, without fear
She sleeps forever
Until the Greater Night draws near

She saw war come to them
She saw death arise
She saw chaos return
a pair of dark eyes
(add) a mirror of Herself
the Night incarnate (end add)
the Shadow made itself known to Her

She sleeps, still dreaming
She sleeps, without fear
She sleeps forever
Until the Greater Night draws near

the Nothing was All
as the Night was Her light
and All was Nothing
as the Light was His night
the Dreamer closed Her eyes to the madness

She sleeps, still dreaming
Her dream, our life
He watches, still waiting
for a chance to turn order to strife

So it was in the Beginning, and so it shall be in the End.

So, howzat for a first attempt?
Edited twice now, because I had to add some lines to equalize the poem.

Edited by: Xarl at: 11/20/01 3:52:11 am
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Uragel
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« Reply #1 on: 18 November 2001, 22:16:00 »

I like it! Very good...  

I feel like a teacher :x

But I do like it

Uragel!
Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought.

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Dawn Mist of Myth
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« Reply #2 on: 19 November 2001, 02:31:00 »

I like it.  I think you captured the spirit of "she"  the dream and the begining of everything.  

"See the Tree in the seed, The rainbow in the storm, and the frost in the sunset."

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Theodorus Holzman
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« Reply #3 on: 19 November 2001, 05:43:00 »

Well, I kinda like it too. Of course you're not waiting for my comments, but for Bard Judith's ones. She's the expert around here, isn't she?

"Destiny, chance, fate, fortune-they're all just ways of claiming your successes without claiming your failures."

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Capher
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« Reply #4 on: 19 November 2001, 15:36:00 »

that and you have this topic in the wrong forum. It should be in either the general Santharium forum or in the ideas forum. not in the history tribes forum.

With deepest regards,Capher

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Xarl
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« Reply #5 on: 19 November 2001, 18:15:00 »

Well, I saw one of Dala's poems in here, so I decided to put this one here too. Thank you for the compliments!

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Bard Judith
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« Reply #6 on: 19 November 2001, 21:35:00 »

Xarl - delete the 'measly' and it will be an improvement...

No, seriously, a good addition to our Songs, Poems and Music of Santharia collection (which will be official somewhere along the line!)

I have a couple of comments, if I may.

I like the repetition - very effective, particularly in the chorus.  I can see this performed - the verses sung by a bard or priest, and the chorus chanted by the audience/congregation.  In fact, I'd be tempted to categorize this as a litany, and slot it into one of the major religions!  We have nothing like that at the moment.  (her brain starts thinking about composing a couple of prayers...hmmmm...)

Sorry, back on track.  The downside of that repetition is that when a word choice jars somewhat, it continues to jar through the entire poem.  I refer particularly to the word 'struck' which I find a bit dissonant.  Tears shouldn't 'strike' earth, and it would be difficult for them to 'strike' fire,  wouldn't it? I see the difficulty in replacing it, of course.... what other verb will do?

"Her tears touched water, and the Elves were born" or whatever,  might be more euphonious.  "Her tears met fire, and the Orcs arose".  Perhaps letting the verb change in the same sentence structure would be a good compromise?

Again, well done!  Let me know what you think.

Regards from the Bard

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Xarl
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« Reply #7 on: 19 November 2001, 22:10:00 »

It sounds okay to me, the struck I'll keep for the Dwarves.

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Xarl
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« Reply #8 on: 19 November 2001, 23:01:00 »

The last bit, the "So it was in the Beginning..." is really in my opinion what turns it into a prayer/psalm/whatever. However, it makes a good substitute for the ubiquitous Amen or... My train of thought just got hijacked. The refrain is sung by the congregation (probably elven), and somewhat along the line of the Christian line at the end of the Gospel "Priest: The word of the Lord. Congregation: Thanks be to God." Cleric of Ava: So it was in the Beginning.
Congregation: And so it shall be in the End.
Run through it in your mind.  

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Bard Judith
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« Reply #9 on: 20 November 2001, 08:09:00 »

Actually, I liked the ritualistic feel throughout - the repetition, as I said, is what makes it solemn but not doleful.

And the chant works for me!  Great rework, Xarl, and thanks for taking my critique as meant - positively!    :)

BTW, 'Amen' literally means, "Let it be so".... a kind of wish, or punctuation, if you will, that emphasises the words that have come before.  Sort of like a listener chiming in with "I agree!" or "You tell'm, bro!" while a speaker is making his point.  Thought you all might enjoy knowing that ...

Regards from the Bard

Bard Judith

"If you will listen to this lay but a little while now,
I will tell it at once as in town I have heard it told,
as it is fixed and fettered
in story brave and bold,
thus linked and truly lettered,
as was loved in this land of old."

J.R.R.Tolkien, 'Sir Gawain and the Green Knight'

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Dala Valannia
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« Reply #10 on: 20 November 2001, 11:01:00 »

Error, not one of Dala's poems. It's Dala's ONLY poem :lol  Well yah, culprit speaking, I posted my 'Lament' here too. Sorry, Capher ;)

It's a lovely poem, Xarl! Though I agree with Bard Judith that the word 'struck' is a litte harsh, imho 'Her Tears touched the earth' or something like that might smooth the melodic rhythms. But if you wanna leave it as it is, it's good too :)  

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Capher
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« Reply #11 on: 20 November 2001, 12:40:00 »

Yeah I guess I jumped the gun a little. I reread the threads and did come across your poem in here Dala. Xarl, I apologize. I really did like the poem, and after the corrections it even seems better. The word "struck" Here are some suggestions if you want to use them.

Caress, fell, touched, glided, brushed, painted, feathered, wafted;

Just suggestions.

With deepest regards,Capher

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I live to but to serve my Goddess Seyella and Talon Hawke; son, heir and Wizard of the White Tower-defender of the lands and peoples of Caelereth!
Xarl
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« Reply #12 on: 21 November 2001, 19:38:00 »

Now, I merely need to keep this up long enough for Arti to see it... (shoves topic to top)

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #13 on: 25 November 2001, 10:29:00 »

Very nice Xarl - I hadn't forgotten about it! Like the poem as well, because it captures the spirit of the Cárpa'dosía quite nicely:)  - What more can I say? Bard Judith said it all I guess. Will be added to the site this update!

BTW: You should think about mailing me some membership details, Xarl, so that I can add you to our member-list finally...

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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Xarl
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« Reply #14 on: 25 November 2001, 22:48:00 »

Been waiting to reach the 2nd-added mark. Alright, I'll send my stuff, but as of right now I'm minus a picture.

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