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Author Topic: The Zirghurim Clan  (Read 24899 times)
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Mina
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« Reply #60 on: 27 June 2008, 02:27:57 »

The mountain looks like it's grinning at me.   shocked
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #61 on: 27 June 2008, 02:32:35 »

Yeah, maybe the centrals rows could also be made a bit more uneven, or the windows could be further appart, but the overall impression is still quite fascinating :)
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Bard Judith
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« Reply #62 on: 28 June 2008, 10:17:50 »

OK, I'm working on it! Further updates as events warrant..
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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Bard Judith
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« Reply #63 on: 04 July 2008, 13:07:12 »

OK, the missing section finally completed, a last read-through for consistency, and the Zirg are hopefully ready for blarrowing!
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Smee
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« Reply #64 on: 04 July 2008, 18:56:20 »

Woah, Judy. This is quite the astonishing undertaking, and a delightful read. Your typical style showing throughout in a warm flowing manner. I weigh it in at 1.3 of those 10 page size ratio's - I forget the name  buck

I have a number of little typos, americanised spellings and small points to mention (which we'll get to in a moment), but really this is a great piece that have bought these dwarves to life for me. Especially so close to Ximax. Perhaps one day I will be using the great detail in this entry for my own entries when Ximax and the province in general is developed further.

Lets get the typos' out the way...

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as has an unusual reddish-tan 'terracotta' hue.

Terracotta seems a little Earth-like... although this may be a documented Santharian version, if so ignore me.

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One could only stare in delight at the vying motifs, as architecturally marvelous as any work in stone which the male Zirghurim could have constructed…”

Marvellous, american variation is with a single l.

And I think the sentence ending is a little awkward compared to your usual. Perhaps make it something like   "... any work in stone carved/constructed by male Zirghurim."

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Though dwarves do not have coats of arms as the human races do, they are equally proud of the quality and unique craftsmanship that their oremarks represent.

'That' is a sneaky little word, skilled in fooling people into believing it is needed in a sentence when actually it isn't. In this case I think you can directly remove it, and let the sentence flow a little easier. (Damn word is so sneaky it appeared in my last sentence three times without me even realising until I corrected it).

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or stenciled on various products
  Possibly another american variation. But by my knowledge stencilled has a double l too.

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The Clan of Unghur is much more open and xenophiliac
I can't find anywhere that confirms xenophiliac is actually a word. Perhaps replace with something simpler like 'sociable', 'trusting' etc.

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less claustrophiliac than the average dwarf
  Claustrophobic.

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city were hewen out by
Hewn.

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The six most famous caverns are BarolRotrum, Hlahujit, TheuAeph, Hoa Rusun, Rizkul Hund, Kaeryetenyim.
Shouldn't the last part of a list have 'and' before it? i.e.  'and Kaeryetenyim'

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there are cosy bedcavelets with their lavishly moss-lined niches cut directly into the stone walls
Didn't you just say the moss doesn't grow here and they rely on more human-traditional materials?

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Seven bridges are equally spaced around the lava sea; black against the incandescent oranges and yellows of the livid stuff, they arch steeply upward, spring towards a central plateau and merge. One’s face feels drying, cracking, in the searing heat that rises from beneath as one climbs up towards the plateau. Stepping onto the rock gives, magically, some surcease from the constant dull seething of noise, and from the sullen fires.

I can't find good screen shots (I might make one later)... but this part really reminds me of a cross between Ironforge and Blackrock Mountain in World of Warcraft.

Here's a couple on the internet already.. not great ones though.

Blackrock 1
Blackrock 2

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smallest in diameter, are carved with individual seats, and hold living moss-cushions.
   ... another mention of the moss which I thought couldn't grow. If I was simply wrong before, ignore this point.

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magical means of defense when necessary  / It has been noted that technically all of these could be used for personal defense as well

Two american spellings of defence. They are close together, in the same paragraph I think.

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perhaps the reason the Zirghurim are so little interested in the typical dwarven occupation!
   A rather weird sentence. I think it's the middle part that needs to change. Perhaps something like "... are so disinterested in the", or "have such little interest in the".

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then consumed with a marvelous variety of spreads, dips, sauces
  Another american marvellous.

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The Inner City is often referred to as "Old Ximax", as the vast majority of the buildings here date to the first millenium of the School (also refered to as the Ximaxian Academy).


Double n in Millennium, and double r in referred.

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They plann on retreating and leaving the dark elves
Plan has a random extra n.

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isolated hut near the aformentioned village
E missing from aforementioned.

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is left unclaimed at Xarl's insistance.
Insistence.

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I'm glad it's nearly lunchtime as you sure had me licking my lips during the extensive passages detailing food and drinks. I repeat that this is a delightful entry and I look forward to seeing it on site.

Awesome work Judy.

Happy Dreamin'  grin
« Last Edit: 04 July 2008, 20:45:13 by Smee » Logged

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Bard Judith
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« Reply #65 on: 05 July 2008, 11:08:28 »

Amazing, Smee - mostly for the fact that there's someone who dares to go over an entry of mine in such painstaking detail.  Your bravery is only matched by your meticulousness!

 I'd say you've earned an illustration as well, if only for 'hewn', which is a legitimate error on my part.  (Not to make excuses - as a Canadian, I am continually tugged between the British and the American spellings of many words, and though I much prefer the British - grey vs gray - I am often led astray by the fact that I must teach American ESL...)

Thank you very much for that careful reading - it will save Art some effort once I make the corrections!

Gratefully,
Judith
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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #66 on: 05 July 2008, 11:29:12 »

Woohoo! It's about time this clan get blarrowed.  :D

Great work to the both of you, Judy and Smee. But...the veiled jabs at American English have to stop. Everyone acts like British English is so superior or something...or maybe I'm being too sensitive... :P
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« Reply #67 on: 05 July 2008, 12:16:54 »

Lol Azhira, I think you're being too sensitive. I make no claims of one being the superior to the other, although if forced to choose obviously I'm biased to my British home.  I'm merely following the rules of the site, which I understand to be British spelling is desired  kiss

@Judy ... it was my pleasure. And ooh, an illustration. How exciting.  :D
« Last Edit: 05 July 2008, 12:22:01 by Smee » Logged

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #68 on: 11 July 2008, 00:10:03 »

Corrections from Smee made, Judy? Cause I'd love to get this one into this week's very special Judy special update. Time constraints don't permit me to check it all over again before I prepare it for the update (and then I'll read it anyway from top to bottom). However, I saw your latest updates and these additions are just fine, as was to be expected :D

So I guess this can indeed be considered as ready to rock and roll - especially in the light that people have commented on various parts of the entry anyway within the last year several times, so it has ripened until now and integration was long overdue. Only the last tiny details were missing, and as they are here, I'd say, get it up!

I'm pretty sure once I read the final entry I'll be thrilled again and again by the creativity that you surely also put in the latest details, but I guess I can safely take it for granted that this entry is ok without a lengthy check before the update, eh? ;)
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #69 on: 11 July 2008, 00:55:40 »

Done, dear sage.  Yup, it's been checked and rechecked.  And that will teach me to copy the history section wholesale without proofreading it verrrrry carefully, because about half those typos were in there... :)  Enjoy when you do read, because yes, you'll appreciate it.  :D
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #70 on: 11 July 2008, 06:55:57 »

Yeah, the group in Thalambath's heart is about to go there, so these dwarves have to be there before we arrive ;)

--> That means, several people have to read it ;)
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