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Author Topic: The Eternal Dance, poem  (Read 2581 times)
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Mutares
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« on: 01 August 2002, 16:20:00 »


I've only just aplied for joining your team. I found out about your site 2 days ago, and yesterday I wrote this poem. As it is my first work dedicated to this project it is about Ava, of course. Later on I plan a lot of menstrel work. Gonna make songs out of legends! ;)  

The Eternal Dance



When the Origin was born

When the End of Ends began;

Time was making it’s first spin

Avá, Mother, dreameth then…



Cloaked in eternal sleep;

An enchanted mystery

Cleared in her blissful eyes

Thus the Living came to be.



~*~



And she saw them in her thoughts;

Separate now from the Whole

But with minds of their own;

Spirits of eternal soul.



Thus they came, the elven race,

First to speak and first to sing;

First to laugh and first to love;

To love Avá the Supreme.



Many other things she saw:

Men, dwarves, forests, stars and skies…

And she saw all were unique,

And she wondered, who am I?



Am I being just as them,

Why cannot I see myself?

Have of myself I dreameth

As I dreameth of an elf?



And she saw the answer then

And she was amazed and thrilled;

Scared of the truth she saw

But proud of what she built.



Then she looked upon herself

And perfection there she saw;

Void and eternity

Thus she marveléd in awe.



She saw beauty; She saw bliss,

But in darkness she saw sin -

Then an image came to her

That have always there been…





Then she knew He was inside

Ever with her, ever there.

He, the Cóor, Lord of the Dark,

He the bringer of despair.



And She knew that She was Him

And He knew that He was Her;

They knew they will always be;

And knew that they always were.



But Blissful She has remained,

And terrible He has stayed.

And He offered her a hand

And in his her hand she laid.



And they danced above the stars

In the cosmos; in the void.

In the darkness; in the light.

She created; He destroyed.



So it was, so it will be

So they danced, and dance today.

All is ever intertwined

In their eternal play.



But She was who first awoke,

She who gave the Good a chance

And as long as Goodness wins

She leads The Eternal Dance.



~*~



When the Origin was born

When the End of Ends began;

Time was making it’s first spin

Avá, Mother, dreameth then.



During the eternal sleep

An enchanted mystery

Cleared in her blissful eyes

Thus began the history…

 

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Xarl
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« Reply #1 on: 01 August 2002, 21:10:00 »

*cut to the Psycho-Cave. Warning lights blare as we pass over various crations of a demented mind, and eventually come to the massive throne, which on close inspection is revealed to be the backboard of an even bigger bed on the opposite side*
Xarl struggled vainly with consciousness, but was aware he was losing. Half-asleep, he promised himself that if the Diegos had been tampering with the World Domination-o-tron again he'd banish every last one of them to the void. As the iron clamps he'd had specially installed forced his eyes and mouth open, inserting contacts in the former and a nice Vanilla Coke in the latter, he saw a Diego fuzzily come into being. It was crouching in submission and fear. Still averting his eyes, he spoke.
"Master, we apologize for waking you before noon, but there's a crisis. The really big alarm turned red."
"Stauugh..."
"Of course, Omnipotence." The Diego hastily tossed the White Staff at Xarl, who upon catching it vaguely became more aware.
"That's the... uhh..." The two synapses slowly, slowly collapsed into themselves, and connected. With them came a massive blast of adrenaline.
"ZONE INFRINGEMENT ALARM!"
Rushing into the command center of the Psycho-cave, Xarl saw the battle grid displayed.
"Newbie... if the work is sufficiently lousy, this could be quick. Ready the Newbie Whacking Sticks."
As Diegos scurried off to the stick launching bays, the readout focused itself.
"Of the Eternal's the specific zone... hrmm.. Eternal Dance?"
The poem, and its companions, scrolled down on seperate screens.
"Hrmm... meter needs work... cosmological accuracy gets a B+. Rhyme scheme perfect."
Sighing, Xarl reached for the Psycho-cave's intercom.
"Stand down Newbie Whacking sticks. This could be a long, bitter fight."

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Tower, Master of the Magic Forum, Teacher of RP Sorcery and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest pure text sig in Santharia
Eeeenteresting....
For the non-ferreted... - Master of All Things Magical
The Santharian Dream - Where fantasy dreams come true... particularly mine!

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Mutares
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?
« Reply #2 on: 02 August 2002, 06:52:00 »

Um.. okay. So I want further qritiques? Or should I fix it? Plz, tell me what's wrong with cosmology in it. And also, I've worked the meters but it all depends on the way you accent words. Eeejhhh it's hard to explain, these accent thingies, you don't have them in English, all words are kinda straight-forward, you know how it's gonna sound already.... Well, I'lltry to fix. But hey! You are still being too critical!

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Xarl
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« Reply #3 on: 02 August 2002, 09:54:00 »

That is my way. Alrighty then, I just see a few parts where the meter is off, (and I do know how the accent thingies work) but that's it, for the most part.
There's also the minor cosmological glitch of the fact you refer to Ava and Coor as seperate beings. They are one and the same, in essence. Last, there's the bigger cosmological glitch, that when Ava came across the thought that maybe someone else dreamed of her, she was sufficently scared to just go back to sleep, and ignore the world. Coor's ultimate goal is to wake her up, and thus end his/her own existence. Noone's sure how that works, but the Sage has decreed it to be so, and as he's a philosophy major, ya can't argue with him.
For a more detailed look at my take on the whole deal, see the Library section under the site menu, and select Of the Eternal. Dreamer and Not are my looks at it.
Mind, your poem does have the certain jue-no-se-qua, and I know I butchered that last bit, that makes it fantastic.

Xarl Bluestride, Archmage of the White Tower, Master of the Magic Forum, Teacher of RP Sorcery and generally cool guy. All requests are to be written on the back of a ten-dollar bill (or equivelant thereof) placed on a dead ferret, and tossed in the sewer system.
Xarl Bluestride
Owner of the longest pure text sig in Santharia
Eeeenteresting....
For the non-ferreted... - Master of All Things Magical
The Santharian Dream - Where fantasy dreams come true... particularly mine!

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Mutares
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Ah!
« Reply #4 on: 02 August 2002, 10:40:00 »

Oh, thanks. Well, I see it's complicated! But at least now I understand how it works, but that should be easily fixed, the idea of them separate... So she just never woke, right? And he is there bothering her. But aminly I worried that you won't accept the whole "dance" idea of it. Since they are one being they can't dance... ah, well. Just wanted to show the dance of evil and god, the yin and yang, the balance, whatever.
So anyway, I'll try to fix it soon, mayeb today, and post it here for further critiques! Thanks again! ;)  

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SmurfStormcrow
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« Reply #5 on: 02 August 2002, 16:41:00 »

Newbie confused by Xarl a bit? Well, that's one way he likes to answer questions. With a little imagery. But I see you passed the test, and with some work this should be up. I put a few commenbts in "Ava," which appears to be the same poem. Is this so?

Stormcrow

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Mutares
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« Reply #6 on: 04 August 2002, 08:08:00 »

All right, I think I began to understand the whole cosmological thing, although I'm still not sure. Just tell me if there's something else you think I should fix...

The Eternal Dance

When the Origin was born
When the End of Ends began;
Time was making it’s first spin
Avá, Mother, dreameth then…

Cloaked in eternal sleep;
An enchanted mystery
Cleared in her blissful eyes
Thus the Living came to be.

~*~

And she saw them in her thoughts;
Separate now from the Whole
But with minds of their own;
Spirits of eternal soul.

Thus they came, the elven race,
First to speak and first to sing;
First to laugh and first to love;
To love Avá the Supreme.

Many other things she saw:
Men, dwarves, forests, stars and skies…
And she saw all were unique,
And she wondered, who am I?

Am I being just as them,
Why cannot I see myself?
Have of myself I dreameth
As I dreameth of an elf?

And she knew the answer then;
And she was thrilled and amazed;
Scared of the truth she saw
But proud of the dreams she raised.

Then she looked upon herself
And perfection there she saw;
Void and eternity;
Thus she marveléd in awe.

But with beauty and with bliss,
She sensed darkness, evil, sin…
Then an image came to her
That has always there been -

Then she knew He was inside
Ever with her, ever there.
He, the Cóor, Lord of the Dark,
He, the bringer of despair.

And She knew that She was Him
And He knew that He was Her;
They knew they would always be;
And knew that they always were.

But Blissful She has remained,
And terrible He has stayed.
And if ever she awakes
All that she had dreamed will fade.
 
In the cosmos; in the void
Their minds ever are in dance
In the darkness; in the light
Searching for the winning stance.

So it was; so it will be
So they danced, and dance today.
All is ever intertwined
In this never-ending play.

~*~

When the Origin was born
When the End of Ends began;
Time was making it’s first spin
Avá, Mother, dreameth then.

During the eternal sleep
An enchanted mystery
Cleared in her blissful eyes
Thus began our history…

Edited by: Mutares at: 8/6/02 2:25:02 pm
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #7 on: 05 August 2002, 06:44:00 »

Oh, I like this one very much as well, Mutares!

Some things I'd still consider changing:

But with beauty and with bliss,
She sensed darkness, evil, sin…
Then an image came to her
That HAS (instead of "have") always there been...

Here the rhyme between "sin" and "been" doesn't seem to fit too well, because "sin" is spoken very short, while the "e" in been is spoken looooong methinks.

And She knew that She was Him
And He knew that He was Her;
They knew they WOULD (instead of "will") always be;
And knew that they always were.

And at the last verse I'd say

During the Eternal Sleep
An enchanted mystery
Cleared in Her blissful eyes
Thus began OUR (instead of "the") history…

Well, these are just proposals of course. BTW: The cosmological concept was very well understood and realized nicely here with the dance idea. So even though you are only a few days here in Santharia, Mutares, you did a very well job already:D  Congratulations!


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World Development Admin - The Forum where Worlds are born...

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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Mutare Serphinroth
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« Reply #8 on: 07 August 2002, 07:29:00 »

I revised all you told me, I hope now it's "totally" fixed. Only I still have doubts about "our history"... I thought that "the history" sounded sortas more important, andof course, it makes sence it's ours! Who's else's! But maybe it doesn't matter.

As for sin-been, too much perfect rhyme might sound forced, don't you think?

Thanks for advice!

~Mutare Serphinroth

P.S. It's my sickness t keep changing names, I jsut can't settle! Now I think I'm settled on my present one. This one.

Edited by: Mutare Serphinroth at: 8/7/02 6:27:16 pm
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #9 on: 08 August 2002, 15:46:00 »

Ok, I'll fix it all next update, along with your final name, Mutare:)  But don't change names too often from now on, as when entries are on the site I'll have to change everything, you know? ;)  


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World Development Admin - The Forum where Worlds are born...

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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Mutare Serphinroth
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« Reply #10 on: 09 August 2002, 13:25:00 »

:o  I won'r change it anymore... maybe only the pic, but not the name. It's now permanent. (well, I never know what'll come to my head, but I'll make it go away!)  

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