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Author Topic: Journey of a dead man - Prologue (Comments please)  (Read 2540 times)
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Kim Sandrage
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« on: 02 April 2004, 01:14:00 »

A dead fathers tale. His daughters story. Many a dead men to be remembered. Elves? Dwarfs? Humans? All races shall play a part in this tale.

Prologue

Quote:
From Talinsha's Personal Journal

When Talisha was growing up her father spent most of his time traveling. When he used to return home he used to sit with Talisha and her mother and talk for hours about where had been and what he had done. Talinsha and her father used to pour over maps as he pointed out to her where he had been and were he was intending to going to go next. He brought her many gifts home and she treasured them greatly.

Menisa watched her daughter become more and more enraptured in Darvons tales and knew that in a few years her daughter will be leaving and following in her fathers footsteps.

Menisa took the role of mother and father when Darvon was away, teaching her many of the physical activities Sarvonia had to offer. Her training with weapons was taken on by Menisa's brother Langua who taught her how to fight with various weapons. However Talinsha soon discovered a great love of the sword and preferred to fight with that, arguing with Langua whenever he tried to teach her with other weapons. Langua took up Menisa's advice that Talinsha was extremely stubbon and like her father and the man she was named after loved the sword.

As well as fighting and running Talinsha loved parts of school. She was a very literate person and showed this in her language and her writing. She used to spend time writing down the stories her father had told her and she won prizes for the stories. She felt writing was her area of relaxation. running and fighting kept her alert but writing down her thoughts her tales gave her time to relax and think about everything.

However when Talinsha was 16 Disaster Struck. Her father had become infected with a disease that he had picked up. Talinsha and her mother stayed at his bedside and Talinsha watched her father fading before her eyes.

One night she awoke hearing him coughing. Running to his side called for her mother. Turning back to her father she felt his hand touch her face.

"Talin honey, I have not got long" Talinshas eyes began to fill with tears and she saw him look over her shoulder and felt her mothers hand on her hair.

"Menisa my love, please fetch my sword." Darvon coughed slightly and Menisa quickly fetched her husbands prized sword.


"Talin, when I was 20 my father gave me this. I wanted to give you this when you turned 20 but I will not see it." Menisa pulled the sword out of the sheath and gave it to her daughter. Talinsha looked at it falling immediately in love.

"I love it father its beautiful. Thank you father I love you so much." Talinsha hugged her father. Suddenly he began to cough violently. Menisa pulled her daughter back and dropped to her husbands side.

"GET THE DOCTOR!" Menisa shouted to her daughter tears filling in her eyes. Talinsha turned to run when her fathers words stopped her.

"No don't, please Menisa I want to be with my daughter and wife. This is my time the doctor can not do a thing. I love you so much," He coughed again and Talinsha moved to her mothers side and both of them held one of Darvons hands.

"I love you to my love" her mother said relenting from calling the doctor,

"I love you so much father I wish we could of traveled together. You me and mother. I love you father."

Darvon smiled weakly before coughing fits began to rock his body. After what seemed like a life time to Talinsha the coughing stopped and the room was quiet apart from the sound of her mother weeping.

A week later Darvon was buried, friends far and wide came to his funeral to pay there respects. Afterwords Talinsha and her mother spent two months in mourning before they knew they should move on. Talinsha missed her father greatly and pushed all her love for him in to the sword that he gave her. She named it Darvon in memory, and when she went back to training with Langua she practiced with the sword. It seemed to have a mystical effect over her doubling her fighting abilities and her strength at withholding attacks became better.



Talinsha had finally returned home after 7 years traveling. She was now 25 and had decided that it was time she returned home and married.

Talinsha entered Milkengrad feeling the sights, sounds and smell of the place flow through her veins. It was great to travel but to finally be home was a magical feeling. She walked through the village clad in a cloak she had picked up. She did not want any one to recognise her before she had seen her mother.

Walking up to the old family home she stopped and gazed over it for a few seconds. She remembered the time with her mother teaching her various games and activities. She remembered Langua teaching her with the sword and then with Darvon. Looking down at her sword which was sheafed at her side she smiled. It had got her through many battles and fights and never failed her.

Walking up to the front door she knocked, a few seconds later a 3 year old child opened the door.
"Hello can I help you miss?" She asked helpfully, Talinsha was speechless had her mother moved away? Had something happened to her. Thoughts ran through her head before finally allowing her to answer. Talinsha looked down at the child who was looking up at her expectantly.

"Does Menisa not live here?" She questioned.

"Mama? Of course she does I'll go and find her." As the child ran off Talinsha felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. 'Mama' had her mother met another?
A minute later Menisa came to the door.
"Yes?" She said expectantly "How can I help you?"
Talinsha looked at her mother her once long blond hair had started to grey with age and was now kept just below her shoulders. Talinshas eyes began to fill with tears.
"Mother?" Menisa's eyes widened in shock and the child looked up between the two adults.
"Mama who is this strange lady?"
"Kalista its your sister Talinsha." Menisa said to Kalista before engulfing her oldest daughter in a warm hug.
Kalista looked up in shock.
"Sister has come home?" She turned round and shouted through the house.
"PAPA! SISTER HAS RETURNED HOME!!!!"
"What?" Came a male voice from up the stairs "Talin is back?"
Talinsha opened her eyes in shock. She recognised that voice. A few seconds later a man came running down the stairs.
"Talin your home?" Talinsha looked to-wards her fathers old friend Daniti.
Looking between her mother and Daniti she looked questioningly at them. But before she could ask anything her mother pulled her inside.
"Come inside. Now let me take a look at you." Menisa pulled her daughters cloak off and look at her daughter tears filling her eyes.
"Oh Talin I missed you."
Talinsha saw her mother look at Daniti and nod her head at Kalista.
"Kalista lets go out for a walk and leave your mother and Talin time to talk."Daniti said to Kalista, Kalista nodded at her father and ran to her mother to give her a kiss.
"I'll see you both later." Menisa said to the two as they left.       

Turning back to her daughter Menisa smiled.
"I know you have a lot of questions. After you left I was lonely, Daniti was there and he and I grew close. about 2 years after you left we got married. We tried to find you but we had no luck. 2 years later Kalista was born." Menisa looked at her daughter hoping she would understand.
Talinsha nodded, she should of known her mother would not like to be lonely but what about father, her words mirrored those thoughts.
"I still love Darvon and always will he was my first love. I will never forget him. But it was time to move on." Menisa replied, her eyes showed signs of nervousness and Talinsha knew what was going on in her mothers mind.

The rest of the day Talinsha and her mother spent time talking about Talinsha's experiences and what her mother had done since she had left. When evening approached Daniti and Kalista returned home with Langua and Erron a close friend of Talinsha's when she was younger. Both Langua and Erron were pleased to see her back safe and unharmed. The evening went on till Midnight, when Talinsha went for a late night walk with Erron. Talinsha had missed his friendship and now felt feelings arise when they were alone. A year later they were married.

The marriage went well for they both shared the same loves, Traveling, sports and fighting with swords. Talinsha began to miss her time on the road and one evening a year after they got married Talinsha sat Erron down.
"Erron, I wish to start traveling again. Settling down yet is not the life I want, I wish to travel and explore more of this world."
Erron nodded in understanding, he knew whether we went or not she would go just like her father did. Erron had loved hearing Darvons tales and had always wanted to travel but had always been to nervous. Maybe now was the time.
"I will go with you my love. We will travel far together." He replied. Talinsha smiled in happiness and threw herself at him and kissed him.
"I was so scared you wouldn't go with me or you wouldn't want me to go. I love you so much thank you!"
That evening they went to visit Menisa and Daniti. Talinsha informed them both of her plans and they understood glad this time she was going to be accompanied.
"Before you leave I have something to give you. Daniti can you get me that box I have kept out for Talin." Daniti disappeared upstairs and a minute later returned with a dusty old box.
"In here" continued Menisa is all Darvons old journals sequencing each part of is life. There are 6 in all. He asked me to give you this when it was time." Menisa held out a letter to her daughter and Talinsha took it and read it.

My Darling Daughter,

I'm writing this while in my bed. I know I have little time left but I felt I had to write this. You have an amazing writing talent and I want you to do something for me. I want you to write a book on my journeys so what happened people will be able to read. For the 25 years I was traveling I have 6 journals. Many of them may fall apart but I want what happened never to disappear. Many people are in my books who are not alive and I want them to be remembered.
Please when you have time would you do this for me?

I love you my Daughter,

Your father.

Talinsha picked up one of the books and flicked through it briefly then looked up.
"I will do it for father. We will take these when we travel. Luckily Erron has a horse which will make it easier."

So thats where we leave it now. Talinsha left her mothers with Erron and they began there journey. When they reached there first destination Salsair. In a Inn they found Talinsha picked up her quill and began to write....

Welcome to my world of shadows

Edited by: Kim Sandrage  at: 4/2/04 14:19
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Kim Sandrage
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« Reply #1 on: 02 April 2004, 01:18:00 »

Hey well thats the Prologue. This is largely based on my other character Talinsha. I put her History at the start of this story because a lot of the prologue is based on Talins own past.

Welcome to my world of shadows

Edited by: Kim Sandrage  at: 4/1/04 15:56
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #2 on: 04 April 2004, 04:23:00 »

Just read it, Kim, and would like to point out some things, which I came across:

- The beginning where you quote from the journal is a bit irritating, as it isn't written in the first person, so it can't be precisely a quote from that. Maybe just use it as regular text, without the "quote journal" part.

- Doctor: Guess it's more appropriate to use the term "healer" in a fantasy world.

- You refer to Milkengrad as "village", though it's in fact a pretty large city.

- I don't know if 3 year old children can already open doors and ask strangers how they can help them...

- Maybe some more descriptions here and there would be good to add some atmosphere, e.g. when Talinsha returns home and sees old places again she may have known since here youth etc.

- Especially at the end you jump things a bit too much I think. First you write in detail with all the dialogue how Talisha comes home, then Erron is briefly mentioned, and suddenly they are already married in the same paragraph...

So I think the way you constructed the prologue is a bit difficult concerning pace in general: First there is this more detailed scene with here father, then a jump to Talisha's returning and then again a jump with the letter. - Suggestion: Well, maybe you could make these current jumps actually part of a concept, like this (just as a suggestion):

How about Talinsha thinks back on those things, which have brought her to where she is now? You could place here in an inn or something, lit with candlelight, looking out at the window or something, and then she thinks back on this scene with her father (maybe it even rains outside, a bit of a storm is out there etc.). After that scene of remembrance, you return to her, sitting at the inn, doing some unimportant things, collection her thoughts (maybe the rain ceases to fall outside). Then she thinks back on her return. Then get back to her again after that, and then tell the last part about the marriage. This way you create some decent atmosphere as well instead of giving the impression to just summarize things to get into chapter 1.

That's just an idea, but I thought I should mention it.


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Talinsha
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« Reply #3 on: 05 April 2004, 04:03:00 »

K thanks :)  Ill look in to those things. And get the changes done asap.  

Forever travelling and writing

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Dala Valannia
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« Reply #4 on: 08 April 2004, 02:20:00 »

I agree with Art, the journal part is somewhat stilted and stiff, especially since it's suppose to be a personal journal, writing it in a third person perspective is a little odd. One of the purpose of having a narrative techique such as a journal within a story, I feel, is to create a sense of being allowed to peek into a character's innermost feelings so as to establish a connection between readers and the fictional characters.

Perhaps it'll be good if you could add in parts where Talisha can write in some of her personal thoughts and expressions? For example, you wrote: "When Talisha was growing up her father spent most of his time traveling. When he used to return home he used to sit with Talisha and her mother and talk for hours about where had been and what he had done. Talinsha and her father used to pour over maps as he pointed out to her where he had been and were he was intending to going to go next. He brought her many gifts home and she treasured them greatly."

It would sound so much more intimate if that passage began in a first person style with little personal insights on Talisha's feelings inserted in here and there :

"When I was growing up, father spent most of his time traveling. I missed him a lot. When he used to return home he would sit with me and mother and we would talk for hours about where he had been and what he had done. When he was gone again, I would cherish the memories of those talks and hold them dear in my heart. Father and I used to pour over maps as he pointed out to me the places he had been and where he was intending to go next. He brought many gifts home and I treasured them greatly but it was his presence at home that I wanted most"

Oh and be careful of grammer and spelling as well :nod

Keep up the writing, we need more writers!  

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