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Author Topic: Open Your Eyes  (Read 1772 times)
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« on: 15 January 2003, 03:50:00 »

Yeah. Erm. This poem is kind of depressing or disturbing in a way. It's more built on emotion than anything else. I don't do many non-rhyming poems, but I thought I'd try one for Santharia. Let me know what you think.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Open Your Eyes

Waiting for celestial dark winds to fall
And carry me far into Queprur’s icy haven.
To wear Foiros' ray my never reach my skin,
Where the darkness dyes it melancholy-white.

Waiting to bleed away the Coór in me
Under the blade of a crystal dagger:
Sweet poison to pierce my mortal flesh:
To suffer as you have suffered for me.

I disserve not your cerubell skies,
Nor what peace your Eyasha has so evinced
The clouds cry in shades of sorrow
And I stand amongst their silvery streaks.

Let the saffron Tower of Wind fall
And cry a dreamer’s tears no more.
I pray the Armageddon to bring the end.
Show me the color of your eyes.

Save this soul who bleeds, this soul who cries
Open your eyes, Avá, open your eyes.

Edited by: Rayne Avalotus  at: 1/20/03 10:42:27 pm
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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Lucirina Telor Vevan
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« Reply #1 on: 21 January 2003, 10:30:00 »

Um...
powerful...very powerful....


From sunrise to sundown I live my life as a song.
Listen to the songbird, don't ignore it.

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #2 on: 21 January 2003, 16:39:00 »

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Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 1/23/03 4:23:21 pm
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #3 on: 21 January 2003, 16:40:00 »

Foiros', not Foiro's

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Rayne (Alýr)
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« Reply #4 on: 21 January 2003, 16:43:00 »

Changes made. Thank you, Talia.

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"There is much misjudgment in the world. Now, I knew you for a unicorn when I first saw you, and I know that I am your friend. Yet you take me for a clown, or a clod, or a betrayer, and so I must be if you see me so. The magic on you is only magic and will vanish as soon as you are free, but the enchantment of error that you put on me I must wear forever in your eyes. We are not always what we seem..." -Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #5 on: 08 April 2006, 14:05:00 »

Can't sleep so I'll rummage through random works if for nothing else than be a little grumpy if you don't mind...




Quote:
To wear Foiros' ray my never reach my skin,
Where the darkness dyes it melancholy-white.


Either I'm too tired or something is missing there. Even when you read the first my as may the lines still don't make any sense. Other than that beautiful imagery from line 2 onwards in the stanza.

Quote:
Waiting to bleed away the Coór in me

I like this.

Quote:
Sweet poison to pierce my mortal flesh:

I know I am in an irritable mood, but still... "Sweet poison"? Come on Rayne, you can come up with something better than this trodden cliche even as you sleep. No excuses. The line reminds me of a bad soup-opera turned into a Shakespearean play. (Sorry!)

I would also reduce "Under the blade of a crystal dagger:" to "Under a crystal blade". More elegant that way? And you don't seem to follow a particular meter pattern in the poem anyway. (Which is fine btw, putting this poem into meter would reduce its raw impact imHo [humble capitalized]).

Quote:
I pray the Armageddon to bring the end

No. Stick to the dream metaphor, keep the fragility.

Quote:
Show me the color of your eyes.

The abruptness of this hits you with great impact and power. Hmm... Is it too abrupt where it is placed though? I can't decide

Quote:
Save this soul who bleeds, this soul who cries
Open your eyes, Avá, open your eyes.

...  Brilliant.

Despite my grouchiness, I really like this poem Rayne! The imagery is perhaps not as arresting as in some of your later works, but the emotion definitely and definitively filters through - and in waves! One is immediately 'vacuumed' into the poem's sad air; the mood builds up as the lines progress until it finally erupts in a climax at the end. So in relation what you say the poem was sculpted (to elicit a powerful emotional response to put in that quaint and rather pedantric AP language), I say it achieves everything it was set for.

Don't know if I make any sense.

I still can't sleep...

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« Reply #6 on: 07 June 2006, 09:05:00 »

okay i don't know if I am in much of a position to comment right now on this...? but rereading the poem after noticing Coren's comment:

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To wear Foiros' ray my never reach my skin,
Where the darkness dyes it melancholy-white.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Either I'm too tired or something is missing there. Even when you read the first my as may the lines still don't make any sense. Other than that beautiful imagery from line 2 onwards in the stanza.


I was wondering....does this make sense if instead it were 'To where Foiros' ray may never reach my skin'...? I do not know the background story of the poem nor mentions such as 'foiros' ' for example, but as I read it without that knowledge, replacing wear with where makes sense to me...

Apolagies if this is wrong!


Otherwise, nice work :nod  

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Arancaytar Ilyaran
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« Reply #7 on: 14 June 2006, 01:10:00 »

It's "where", yes. The sentence makes sense that way, no?:)  

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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #8 on: 15 June 2006, 12:41:00 »

I disserve not your cerubell skies,

I believe this should be 'deserve', shouldn't it?  

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus

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Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
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