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Author Topic: The White Advisor  (Read 21392 times)
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #15 on: 12 July 2006, 02:33:00 »

Hey, Decipher is back! How did your exams go? Where have you been!?



"Everything should be as simple as possible, but not simpler." Albert Einstein


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Bard Judith
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« Reply #16 on: 12 July 2006, 20:47:00 »

Coren!  Thou hast returned!  Whither, then, my promised email?  Whither thy comments on my humble depiction?  Hast thou misplaced my edress, or have I in sooth somehow offended thee?

Prithee, answer, or I shall pine, droop and dwindle...

A melancholic bard awaiteth,
Judith

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Decipher Ziron
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HI!
« Reply #17 on: 14 July 2006, 00:25:00 »

Well i get my results today, sorry i've been away for so long, but hey! I'm back now!

Edited by: Decipher Ziron at: 7/17/06 16:55
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« Reply #18 on: 18 July 2006, 09:03:00 »

Coren? Judith? Rayne? Anybody?

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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #19 on: 08 October 2006, 04:49:03 »

I am now begging for comments on this from anybody who has the time... cry

Decipher
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #20 on: 04 December 2006, 00:35:15 »

As requested, some comments and suggestions, Decipher...


The White Advisor

The Grand-Karoth’s account of the time he spent admiring the Vizier of Light in awe of his magnificence.

I sit upon my golden throne,
Staring into space,  (this sounds depressed rather than appreciative, as the last line suggests)
Inside walls of marble,
A truly beautiful place, (too many syllables to scan comfortably - sounds rushed)

I sit upon my golden throne,
Seeing jewels and stone,
Contemplating fear,
To which my mind is prone,

The threat of war upon my land,
The threat of pain and gore,
As my mind thinks of these,
The fear I create is more,   (this is a serious theme but the 'umpty-tumpty' rhythm renders it almost comic.  Basically, your message and medium don't match...)

I call upon my advisors,
Shallow and meek they be,
Seeking power, nothing else, ('meek' people don't seek power - incongruous description)
They have no care for me,

There is but one I call upon,
A mysterious but wise fellow,
His skin as white as snow,
His hair a sun-like yellow, ( so-called 'feminine' rhyme using two syllables is only ever comic)

His words are music to my ears,
Guidance I sorely need,
Whenever this advisor talks,
It would be wise to heed,

His advice, a comforting hand,
Nursing my shattered nerves, ('hand' nursing 'nerves'.... a mixed metaphor)
He is a pool of endless knowledge,
But more purposes does he serve,

The gifts, which I bestow on him,
Like trust and gratitude,
Give him a sense of joy,
Although I still feel rude, (and so you should - he's underpaid!  Though I understand what you are trying to say here...)

The gifts, which he has handed me,
Outweigh all I could offer,
For all the treasures in the empire,
Would still not be proper, (off-rhyme AND feminine rhyme - avoid them!)

I sit upon my golden throne,
In this sparkling place,
As my advisor leaves me,
With a smile on my face,   (...and?  It seems to end very abruptly here!)


Decipher, my first impression matches my most recent; there is a discrepancy between the serious theme of your poem and its style.  The meter, or 'beat', bounces along in a short rhythmic pattern that is more suitable for children's verse, and has quite a few irregularities that disrupt the flow of the lines.   I would strongly suggest that you avoid forcing your concepts into a poetic corset unless you have both skill and confidence with more sophisticated forms.

For example, had I chosen to write on this theme, I might have decided on a ballade with envoi, or a sonnet.  You might want to recast your poem as free verse, which has rules of its own but free you from the confines of regular meter and forced rhyming.


Sonnet form:
Within these palace walls of marble pure,
I rule from a gold and gemstoned throne.
And yet my mind is hemmed by walls of fear,
Anxieties to which this flesh is prone.

Ballad form:
Upon a throne of gold I sit, with gemstones on each hand,
Around me rise my marbled walls; a haven of white stone.
My ready troops in serried ranks round palace courtyards stand,
Beauty, power, wealth displayed - and yet I am alone.

Free verse:

But now
My White Advisor comes to me
The sunlight in his hair a blaze of gold.
His words
Are music to my chatter-wearied ears,
Simplicity of heart, old wisdom, counsel true.



You have a nicely original concept here - a tribute poem - and some valid, serious themes to work with.  I'd suggest not 'trivializing' it inadvertently by forcing it into a format that just doesn't fit.  Try changing it all to a free verse style and I'll go over it again for any incongruities then.  Remember that even if you do not use a formal meter, the lines of free verse should still flow and 'read' well.  Read each line aloud and make sure it does not jump or stamp or stutter, and try to choose the more formal, less casual grammatical and vocabulary options to give a more formal, reasoned feel to your style.   

 Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, but as everyone should know by now, I'm moving to Korea in three months and have a limited amount of time online atm!   Hope that helps,

regards from the bard


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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #21 on: 04 December 2006, 02:11:05 »

Probably the most useful input on this i've had so far. I'll write in free verse shortly.

Thanks

Decipher
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Mirmec Rethindor
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« Reply #22 on: 04 December 2006, 04:06:41 »

did you see what i put on the ezboard decipher? sorry i have no clue why it directed me to put it there.

poetry is a fun thing to do but you have to be inspired to write it, i just hate the revising part, but what is the saying one ounce inspiration and ninety nine ounces perspiration...
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Mirmec Rethindor
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« Reply #23 on: 04 December 2006, 04:14:03 »

oh okay you did see it. and asked me to repost what i posted on that old board entry over here. so here are the things that came to mind while reading the White Advisor entries:

last revision of White Advisor opinion

In a hall of beauty, a glorious room of grace,
I sit upon my throne, with a look upon my face,
A look of discontent, at the palace of which dwell,
A repetitive building of monotony, a tiresome living hell,
The advisors that come to visit me, to force me into choices,
They aggravate my mortal frame, as I detest their voices,

***hell? maybe you change that to quell, or mell, as hell the concept of -- does it exist in Santharian thought??

" at the palace of which dwell" you have dropped a word or at "their" palace, not "the palace" either way is awkward

There is however one, who is not such a drain?
I have one advisor, that causes me no pain,
He respects my wishes, and receives no form of prize,
He is my the remover of a blindfold, that covers my eyes,
He appears exactly when he is needed, never early nor late,
He seems to express no emotion, not any love or any hate,

**why question mark after drain. 

" He is my the remover of a blindfold" typo or something missing

in fact over usage of "He" shows that you have alot of work to do on this stanza. if you intend it as a refrain, then you would repeat it in the end thus emphasizing the "he" and giving us the "he" identity. option are use "a gentleman" instead of "he", or objective "the figure" instead of "he". whatever you do, you need to break up this log jams of "he". especially the line :" He appears exactly when he is needed, never early nor late," pulls us completely out of the rhythm and into flat footed narrative.

consider:

your version:

" There is however one, who is not such a drain?
I have one advisor, that causes me no pain,
He respects my wishes, and receives no form of prize,
He is my the remover of a blindfold, that covers my eyes,
He appears exactly when he is needed, never early nor late,
He seems to express no emotion, not any love or any hate,"

an option:

"He respects my every wish, receives no form of prize"
{{nor illusion of richly blinfolds, that cover up my eyes.
Summons, calls or beckonings, he always is on time
Devoid of any emotion, impervious to any crime}}

now note thats a double 'any', it gives us a jumping off point to discover the Advisor more clearly. also by starting the second line with a contraction you eliminate the "he", the third line starts with a verb, eliminating that "he", and the last line also in this manner.

so that stanza needs alot of work, to make it more fluid and congruent.

"His enigmatic eyes, watery and grey,
Allow me a feeble insight, into his peculiar ways,
Yet they still hide something, a secret of some kind,
As if he has the power, to conceal parts of mind,
The empathy his eyes provide, with a single gaze,
Is enough to throw simple our minds, into a flurry of haze,"

**"with a single gaze" is missing some beats, maybe "with a single burning gaze"

The insight my advisor honours me with, the knowledge he presents,
Gives me a sense security, whilst unknowing his intent,
I trust the white advisor, for he is my closest friend,
Yet the mystery of his being, Is knowledge he shan’t lend,
I must give myself assurance, that he has nothing hidden,
Yet of thoughts of betrayal, my mind is not yet ridden,

**White Advisor, capitalized

" I trust the white advisor, for he is my closest friend,
Yet the mystery of his being, Is knowledge he shan’t lend,
I must give myself assurance, that he has nothing hidden,
Yet of thoughts of betrayal, my mind is not yet ridden,"

**closest friend?? you just spent explaining how you can't read him at all. so "closest friend" is not the best usage.

I feel a gracious wave of bliss, when he speaks into my ear,
A feeling of enlightenment, that rids me of my fear,
He is possibly my greatest treasure, the pride of my keep,
Yet the fruits of my advisor’s wisdom are not for us to reap,
I trust him with my empire, I trust him with life,
I know now that I should banish thoughts, of betrayal and of strife,

** see now this is good, there's your repetition again -- the double "i trust him", but i think you need something like "i trust him with THIS life", a syllable of some sort. or "i trust him with MY life"

He informs me of events, unbeknown to me,
Yet he hides that of true importance, from where I can see,
The mystery of my advisor, Is the greatest in all of krath,
Yet I feel it pointless, to subject him to my wrath,
He is a higher a being, above even I,
I hope to never part with him, until the day I die,

***these two lines need alot of work:

" He informs me of events, unbeknown to me,
Yet he hides that of true importance, from where I can see,"

maybe "he informs me of events, some unbeknownst to me, yet he hides those of true importance, from all that i can see"  "from where i" is just awkward. not something people would say


and then this was the review of the first version before you changed it to this other form:

ok, just so you know, i'm not a poet, but i did have a period when i wrote poems and i did post some of them on zoetrope and got some good recognitions a few years ago, so take what i say with a grain of salt.

from the first poem version of White Advisors, there is a shift in tone that starts here, where we go from generic visual to first person, also the rhyming scheme changes from before. so it stutters the poem to a halt.

this line "a mysterious but wise fellow" breaks the rhythm in that stanza, mysterious breaks the cadence and makes a full stop before "but" and steals energy from the riff.

same for "Guidance I sorely need", its like we expect a beat before Guidance, maybe "a Guidance"

likewise "comforting" is a killer to this clip clop cadence, maybe "caring" instead?

 consider "his words are music to my ears" 8 beats, (a) Guidance i sorely need" 7 beats, "whenever this Advisor talks" 8 beats, "it would be wise to head" 6 beats. so thats 8-7-8-6 or 8-6-8-6 without the (a)

His advice, a comforting hand,  8
Nursing my shattered nerves,  7
He is a pool of endless knowledge,  9
But more purposes does he serve,  7

so what you are doing is sacrificing energy and beat for content, when if anything you should be sacrificing content for beat.

still its a good energy up until the "There is but one i call upon" stanza

There is but one I call upon,
A mysterious but wise fellow,
His skin as white as snow,
His hair a sun-like yellow,

His words are music to my ears,
Guidance I sorely need,
Whenever this advisor talks,
It would be wise to heed,

His advice, a comforting hand,
Nursing my shattered nerves,
He is a pool of endless knowledge,
But more purposes does he serve,

The gifts, which I bestow on him,
Like trust and gratitude,
Give him a sense of joy,
Although I still feel rude,

The gifts, which he has handed me,
Outweigh all I could offer,
For all the treasures in the empire,
Would still not be proper,
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #24 on: 06 December 2006, 20:43:09 »

Okay, Judith, I tried to make a free verse one, but I found it too hard, and it didnt flow right, so I tried to fix the speed of the rhyme, and remove the 'femminine' rhyme.

@ Landre: I value your comments but they are now obsolete since I have written a new version. Thanks anyway!
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« Reply #25 on: 07 December 2006, 03:10:50 »

That's alright. I got lost on the old EZboard for some reason. Mina had to post and say what was i still doing over there?? So its my fault for not being on the right board.

Anyway its fun to read poetry every once and a while.
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